Absent biological father, but new man in my life

I have a three year old son who until now has never had the word 'Daddy' really mentioned too much. This is down to the fact his biological father walked out three weeks before I gave birth and has never had any contact with me or my son since, apart from paying maintenance through the CSA. He has made it clear he is prepared to pay for his upkeep, but doesn't want any contact.

I met a wonderful man about 9 months ago who is very hands on with my son and is proving to be a fantastic father figure to my little boy. We have talked about one day in the future if we decide to get married, he would like to adopt my son, but we don't live together yet.

My son knows him as Chris and refers to him as Chris, but is getting to the age where is he is talking in conversation or play about mummy and daddy doing things. I did buy the book 'I don't have a daddy' prior to me meeting my partner, but haven't needed to go through it with my son yet.

I guess I'm seeking advice on explaining to my son when the subject arises that he doesn't have a daddy as such, but does have a Chris. I don't know if this is enough for the time being or if needing to explain he has a biological daddy, but he isn't around so we have a 'Chris' instead is appropriate??

Any advice would be gratefully received. Despite my partner acting as his father, he doesn't feel ready to be called Daddy yet.

Categories:

Absent father / disappearing father

I think that I would if

Submitted by kate on Wed, 2009-09-23 15:06.

I think that I would if things work out with Chris go down the adopted route in the way I treat the child.i.e. an adoptive parent does everything that a biological parent does in terms of upbringing. However as often happens in many adoption cases even the most happy and successful of adoptions the child wants /need to know biological roots with feelings that range from curiosity to not quite feeling complete etc etc . Now your situation is different in the you are Mum and Bio Dad has not abandoned him but pays for him , if I were you i would prepare for that moment as one course of action so that you can fill in the gaps when he wants to know, I would also keep the door open for contact ( hard I know ) as people mellow , change, grow up, regret , have other children and it would be a crying shame for your boy if your sons Dad were to feel unable or unwelcome to become known as a person to his son.

As far as Chris goes , don't rush things let it develop at a pace, I would not get into the calling him Dad thing it may happen naturally for both of them just let them become very special to each other over time and that will become its own relationship that is not a dad substitute but Chris .

All the best

Kate

I think Chris sounds great,

Submitted by emily on Wed, 2009-09-23 12:08.

I think Chris sounds great, and there's no need to call him daddy even though he will (fingers crossed) bring your son up as if he was his own. I would avoid calling him daddy becuase I think you're wrong about one thing: your son does have a dad - he just doesn't know him. You are going to have to think about how you're going to tell him the story of mummy and daddy - read what we write about telling children about their absent dad - it'll apply to your son. But as for the Chris / daddy debate - I know from one child (grown up now) that when his stepmother was refered to as his 'mum 'and she didn't correct them he was furious and really upset becuase she wasn't his mum. The same might be for your son, and who knows what will go on in his head about it, so I'd leave it. I bet your son will develop his own name for Chris and perhaps even refer to him as his dad to friends etc, but him doing it is very different to you or Chris refering to him as dad so be careful! And one last thing - please don't forget - HE DOES have a dad and it's your job to make him as real as you can and to explain his absence as best you can - put as much positive as you can on it without over-egging it, remember that he does pay so hasn't completely forgotten you, perhaps you can explain that he cant handle it? Some can't - I know that's far from great from your point of view but at least it spares your son from feeling totally rejected?

Good luck to you all and hope Chris continues to be a hit!!