Kate & Emily

Dear Kate,

Since you kindly responded to my blog my daughter has been in touch via e mail before going on holiday. She has recently returned in the past week and written to my son on facebook and said did he know I had invited her and her boyfriend to his 21st birthday party in december. My son replied yes and it would be great to see her. She replied that she was thinking of coming down to meet everyone but she would need to meet me once or twice before meeting the family.....She then said that that was a huge thing for her to do and the propect of meeting me was scary.
To say I am excited would be an understatement and Im waiting to hear from her before writing to her. To know that she has said that to her step brother is fantastic so it would appear that things are moving forward and the propects of meeting her are good. I took great heart from your comments and I dont want to blow this opportunity thats faces me and with your help Im sure things will go well, but I too am feeling scary with the propect of meeting my daughter. I will let you know if it happens and take this opportunity of thanking you for your kind comments.

Regards

Allan c xx

Thank you taking the time to read my dilema and responding in such clarity. Its not been easy for me to deal with this situation when your daughter tells you she's not looking for a Dad as she has one with her step dad and her mother didnt abandon her all those years ago. I have tried to explain in a very non direct manner which was met with her telling me it was an angry e mail and she thinks she should be sending it to her mother. As time goes on she has had words since with her mother about the history and her mother has said she is riddled with guilt....Im not surprised but she has least recignised that it was not entirley my fault but I could have treid harder over the years to contact her.

I know that I left her behind but there were reasons for that and I have told her I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused her as I should have been there for her. I think in time we shall meet and things should move on from there but it just seems to be taking for ever to reach that point.

She is so like me its hard to not love her but as you say I need to stay strong and allow things to develop at her pace which is what Im trying to do. I have explained it must seem like no one from my side of the family didnt try over the years to get to her but in reality that is far from the truth.

I have praised her mum and step dad for bringing her up and for that I will be eternally grateful and what a wonderful job they have done. Her mother has since emigrated to USA and it must be so hard for her to come to terms with ahving her dad in her life all of a sudden. Deep down she wants to meet I know that as she has said that but what shes doesnt know what she wants from this if anything. All she wants is to draw a line in the sand and say " you know what that was shit and he's said sorry" and then she can move on with or without me.

Anyway, thanks for writing back it really was good to read your comments and know that Im not going mad it just feels like that sometimes. I will let you know what the outcome is wherever that is.

Take care

Allan

I think that you have to remain strong and it sounds as though you need help to pace yourself and this sittuation and allow your daughter to set the speed and rate  of re entry into your life.

Remember that you did all you could in a difficult situation 

You have supported her financially

You have attempted to keep in touch 

You have thought about her 

You have never denied her to your new family 

You have spoken about her to your kids 

You have continually asked for access 

You have been denied a relationship with your daughter , yes you probably should not  have terminated contact for the period when you did , but hey you had your reasons and set against everything you got so very right that is not a crime that should make you take all the guilt. 

You must know this , we are not into blame at all , however your daughters mother has been out of order denying her daughter a realtionship with her father , and you are right she has a lot of explaining to do not you , that is for them to resolve.

So with absolutley no experience of this situaion , i would let your daughter know that

You will go at her pace and respect this 

That you have thought about her for 28 years and consider her very much your daughter

That you have tried to keep in touch

That you have supported her as best you can for decades ( elluding to money )

But you were not allowed to do more although you repeatidly tried

with something vaque about Mum  must have had her reasons . Don't go there , leave that

Do not blame her mum to her

Do not bad mouth her mum to her  

Do not try and make yourself the bad guy by taking all the blame. The more you do that the more others  including your daughter will believe it is true and it is not. Stick up for yourself in a realistic way .

Keep this all about the future , keep this positive , think about long term integration into your new unit . Yes the past needs discussing  to be honest the hardest issue your daughter has is with her mother . So for you and your daughter this is about the future , you did what you could , stop beating yourself up. Your daughter will work it out for herself , but if you keep on castigating yourself , apologising to her  , racked with guilt then you may make it harder for you , your relationship with the past and the future .

if you are going mental dealing with the past , get some therapy.  Cognitive behavioural therapy could be the thing , I reccomend you go to the GP , and see who they suggest locally , who you can talk to about this burden of guilt on your back which I feel is out of proportion to the very positive behaviour you have exhibited towards your daughter 

Let me know how you get on , Good luck

Kate