Kate & Emily

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Absent Dads

 

One of our main messages involves having a good image of Dad, bringing up the children with their father and recognising the importance of Dad.

 

We do know that for many mothers their children’s father is just not around at all. He may never have been around or he may have dropped all contact a while a go, but to all intents and purposes us banging on about co-parenting and the importance of Dad can feel irrelevant to mothers doing it all on their own.

 

This I where you have to get into that very difficult area ….The spirit of the matter.

 

In this case the spirit of the matter is recognition that:

 

• Your children do have a father
• It is in their interests that they can have a positive /neutral view of him
• They will want to find out about him at some point
• They should have a grasp of an understandable reason for his non participation in their childhoods
• Any negative feelings you have about Dad and his absence should be dealt with by you in whatever way you feel appropriate away from the children
• If you really can’t think of anything nice /decent to say and carry this through then have a look at our worksheet Helping your children get to know their absent dad  and see if that helps you to think of something.

 

All this is very hard to digest and carry through and we do know; we do know; we DO know! But it is so worth it in the end. Have a look at our worksheet ‘talking to your children about their absent dad as it’ll help you to find the words to talk to the children about this very difficult subject.  Everyone’s story and situation is different and you need to be prepared to help the children understand something that is probably quite hard for you to deal with. We have heard so often about children starting playschool and realising that they don’t have a Dad around, the wondering starts then and to be able to fill in the gaps is really important. So do have a crack at the worksheets.

 

Now co-parenting alone is what the next bit is all about.  It is similar to co parenting in a toxic situation and if you print off the co parenting form from the website, or look at it at on page 92 of our book CLICK HERE TO BUY IT!!) (www.kateandemily.com/our-book  You’ll see how you can co-parent in spirit if not in practice:

 

• Do not criticise or be disparaging about the absent dad
• Handle all the upset and aggro created by his absence away from the children or out of earshot
• Give him credit where you can ‘you are so good at painting, Dad was good at art ‘
• Don’t play games with his past, intimating, implying or making snide comments
• Help him to be the best parent he can even in absence.

 

Our co-parenting form asks mums and dads to steer clear of flashpoints.  It’s different if you’re doing it on your own, but if you know something upsets you about your ex and your history then do yourself and the children a favour and steer clear of reminders – cut the oxygen. 

 

We ask people to set their Parenting objectives.  You can still do this with an absent dad – what are your objectives?  Write them down.  What are the areas you would like to work on this year?  What could be a solution?  Who could help given that their dad’s not around so can’t?  Are there any other adult men that could play a part?  You might want to do these things, and these could be ideas of how to achieve them?

 

• Hobbies, Dave would like to watch more football ... get his teenage cousin Ken over to watch with him
• School – they seem to be struggling with the reading … find some good positive dad role model books such as
• Seems to be being a bit mean at school … talk to class teacher and invite friends and mothers over

 

High days and holidays.  The co parenting form helps to plan and schedule the year even if Dad is absent which is good for everyone, the children and you.  So how can you all enjoy these days and weekends, some on our own, some organised, some with friends, some with family, some just you without your child?   So that is a piece of work which should make parenting without Dad easier for you. By concentrating on the time involving others and writing down goals and plans it can really focus your mind.

 

And if you are thinking why on earth should I?  This is not fair /why is it always me that has to do the right thing?  Then have a good feeling inside that this IS the right thing to do for your children: they are half mum and half dad and want to have an OK,  if not fantastic, feeling towards their father and anything you can do to help and not hinder this will truly help your child grow up and develop in to a balanced adult . This is not about lying or making a saint out of a pillock but creating an image that is not an hindrance to your children’s perception of themselves, or of fathers or of men en generale.