Kate & Emily

Shine the light on single mums...a shared experience see posting under "Another Absent Father"(Kate & Emily: deleted duplication !)

Message for Sue Chamberlain..Hi Sue, I just wanted to let you know I've sent you a message, but I'm not sure if you got it.. you have to log in to read it?!
Hope you are well,
'scarecrow' Sue x

Dawn, I wanted to say hello to you after reading your post.

I don't have any miraculous solutions to your dilemma, but just wanted to say hi and give you a hug.

I know how agonising it is to have to face these kind of situations, we have to be super strong and resilient to deal with it. Not easy!!Try to steer a path through these difficult times, and try, difficult though it is, to keep a perspective. Children can cry as if it's the end of the world about about having to share a toy they usually aren't bothered about with another toddler, or about not being able to have sweets. In those moments we don't become wracked with guilt though do we? I'm not in any way trying to detract from your daughters real feelings, and the difficult situation (which is very similar to my own) although it might sound like that, but even though the situation is very difficult don't let it drag you down to the extent that it becomes the main focus of your lives. I've had my daughter asking about her Dad with one breath, and then saying, "Can I take my teddy to the shops?" in the next. Their pain is real, and we can't take it away, but after listening and responding to their questions I think it is good to refocus on something else and remember to enjoy life. Accentuate the positive, I know it seems like glossing over difficulties, but I think it helps your child to focus on the positive side of life, and enjoyable activities have a healing effect for both of you.

I hope she doesn't get teased or get negative responses from anyone in your community. When she gets upset tell her how special and beautiful she is. Perhaps it would also help to buy her books or toys where black people are depicted?

As for tracking your ex...only you can decide. I have the same dilemma myself...Give your self time.

Be kind to yourself and share good things with your daughter.

I wish you well,
Sue

Hi Sue
Thanks for your reply to my reply....! You are right, Sues tend to be over a certain age!Ha! Ha!
I had to laugh this week as CSA finally processed my claim and he has offered £5 a week! What a star!
Tom and I had a great New Yr together hope you two did as well.
He had one blip in the week this week when he said he was lucky to have a mum who loves him soooo much but unlucky to have a dad who hates him. Hard to respond to, I told him daddy doesnt hate him at all he doesnt know him and if he did he would love him like I do. Not much comfort really.
Anyway its great to hear back from you.
All the best in 2009 and hope to keep in touch.
Sue. xx

Hi,

At last I've found this website having been desperately looking for advice and support for months now about the awful saga of the impact of absent fathers. I have just spent the evening desperately trying to console my sobbing four year old who was begging for her daddy. What makes it worse is she has never met him as he walked out when I was pregnant. I've tried tracing him but have come to a dead end as he has seemingly gone missing having had "some kind of breakdown". To mAke my situation that little bit more complex my ex is black and my daughter is trying to deal with the fact she is of mixed parentage in a rural community with no contact with her father's side of the family... I don't think they even know about her. We have photos of him but she is still asking questions about his hair, eyes, skin... its heartbreaking. She has lots of questions which I answer honestly but how do you comfort her? How do you really explain his absence so she can be content with the idea? I've always spoken positively about him but do I trace him and open up a can of worms? If only somebody could give a definitive answer... do this... don't do that. They never told me about dealing with this at the ante-natal classes! Does this phase pass as its been going on for months and I want a happy, contented child without the weight of the world on her shoulders... Any suggestions?

Hi, Good to hear from another Sue!

Lol, there don't seem to be so many of us around these days, people don't seem to call girls Susan any more!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You know, i do sometimes think life without an 'ex' around makes things much simpler, there aren't any logistical nightmares over Christmas or birthdays etc, or broken promises to meet up etc. Not much comfort, but a little perhaps.

Anyway,thanks for saying hello,and I wish you and your son well for the new year,
Sue :-)

Hi Scarecrow
I am another Sue who is a feisty single mum! It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job to me Our situation is so different to any other parent experience and it is great to share it with others who truly understand. There are, to a degree, no right or wrong answers to their questions and you are right some children have both parents around but have no stability or love so its a case of broaching the subject of having one parent who essentially doesnt care about them, sensitively..not easy!. My Tom finds it so hard to make sense of the fact that his dad isnt here, he knows in his heart that daddy doesnt care but he needs to work out how this all fits with him etc. I talk openly to him about it , he knows he is loved beyond any limits by me and he has a Granny who is devoted to him (my mum who drives me nuts most of the time but I am indebted too if Im honest!)I never say to him that he isnt cared for, I tell him daddy would love him like I do if he were here but is too scared to be a daddy. He does have a fantasy about his dad which can be hard to swallow sometimes, esp when I am struggling to pay for xmas presents etc.
Dont be afraid to show them it hurts you too, im not suggesting you weep all over them etc but I think its okay to say you are sorry their situation is this and you know how it hurts them etc.
I wish you well with the coming months, years..lifetime it sounds like you are doing a great job to me.
Suexx

Hello there. I am a single mum raising a beautiful daughter who is about to start school. I have been reading posts on this topic and empathising and feeling grateful that there is a source of support for the situation that we all share. My daughters Dad had decided he wasn't interested in me before I even knew I was pregnant, and when he wouldn't even talk to me on the phone, I decided to cut our losses and go forwards on my own.

I do and have felt very troubled by the situation at times, I feel guilty at times and cringe when my daughter asks about her Dad. However, we came through an episode about a year ago, where she became quite angry with me, which I bore, and she decided she liked and needed me and for the timebeing we get along ok. This is my 'strategy'and attitude for dealing with the issue:

Never refuse to discuss things, it is possible to say something even if it is a bit vague and fudged. I work hard at sharing good times with my daughter and maintaining good friendships with other families we know, so my daughter does have lot's of happiness in her life. I have found that this helps greatly as a kind of counterbalance to the evident sadness and confusion she sometimes feels around the subject of her Dad. As we go along, I reason, this painful issue can be integrated into the (I hope) strong sense of self she is developing. I have explained that we had a fight and he can't be around, and that grown ups do silly things sometimes. This may not be a great thing to say, but at least it is concrete. Sometimes she says (in other contexts) 'It's difficult being small!' and i often say it's difficult being big sometimes too. I try to build a picture where grown ups have failings, and get things wrong sometimes. I feel that this gives space for her to be angry at me/us which i see as more positive than blaming herself which i want to prevent as much as I can. I am fortunate that i have a feisty disposition, (which I find grows with parenthood!) and I don't cry or mope in general and certainly never in front of my daughter. I find working a vital ingredient to keeping my self-esteem on track.

We have to be realistic that an absent father is an issue, but of course so many kids have dads and are neglected or miserable. It's probably inevitable that they will build a fantasy around their Dad, but perhaps this gives them something to hold onto, something which belongs to them and is seperate from us, and i think that is important too.

If you're still reading this, i hope it helps. It has helped me to write it all down, and to read other peoples stories. And yes, i think the fact we are on this website shows that we are invested in supporting our children through everything...we're probably doing much better than we think!

Sue aka scarecrow.

Be a perfect mom and dad yourself there wont be any problem in life
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Hi both, I have just read your postings and it has bought more than a tear to my eye. You are so right that no-one appreciates how hard it is to be a single parent in our situations. There are many out there who dont give a monkies as to what happens to their children and my fantastic GP once said th me the fact that you are worried about it means you will never overlook it and will always deal with it head on. My son is 6 and in year 1 at school and I wont lie to you and say its fine because it isnt but also it isnt as bad as I expected. Tom struggles with the daddy thing but we deal with it and have been known to sit and cuddle on a park bench together crying because it has hit him again. It is indeed a physical pain as strong as the physical love you have for them However remember that you share an incredible bond with your child that their dad will never have and you have to feel sorry for them... actually I dont feel remotely sorry for his dad as it was his choice! But what a journey he is missing out on.
First plays, assemblies, winning the trophy at rugby etc are all bittersweet when you see loving couples sharing the moment but they are wonderful too dont ever ever forget that and dont let thier fathers take that away from you.
Toms teacher said last yr a child said to him " where is your dad? You havnt got one have you?" and he said" I have got a Dad but he went away when I was in mummies tummy and he didnt come back but I have a brilliant mum!" She said all the teachers welled up as did I when she told me! So you see they work it out if you are honest and help them prepare to answer questions.
The very fact you are on here shows you are loving responsible and fantastic mothers.Well done and hang on in there..you are (sadly) not alone. Take care. Sue.xxx

Hello again...i just wanted to share a few more words, as i was touched by what you wrote. You are so right in saying that no-on can ever begin to imagine what it feels like to be in our situation unless they have been through it...or still experiencing the rawness of pain such circumsatnces create....I share your worries too, that one day my son will blame me, but like you i too did nothing worng. I fear that he will get angry with me, and the mystery of his father will make him some 'attractive fantasy' that he will put him on a pedeatal and aspire to meet him one day, but again only time will tell if this fear wil ever be realised, and that is something i (and many others like you) will have to burden. My Husband felt like his life was over when we where just about to have a baby, not beginning liked i had hoped he would feel. So if my son ever askes why his daddy went away, when he is a little more mature, i will say that it wasn't you or me he didn't want, but that he wanted another kind of lifestyle different than the one we could offer him. I also try to notice how my son is feeling when anyone mentions the 'daddy' word (it always makes me cringe), and i try and say things like, 'you look angry', or ' you look sad right now', so he knows that i know how he is feeling. I once heard and experienced health Visitor say once that you can tell a child as many times as you like that you love them, and that is brilliant, but also telling them that 'everything will be OK' is something that they benifit from hearing. I do this with my little fella, and like you i hope that i am doing it right. My son starts school also next year, and as much as i am dreading it, i am hoping that there will be more children who maybe haven't got a daddy, or whose mummy and daddy's don't live together...or maybe even a family with two mummies...so he can learn that families come in all shapes and sizes, and that we are not the odd ones out after all . And for you, i wonder..do you feel like me that you can't share all the things that parents share together??...the first bike, there first sports day, and i guess the first day at big school. Being a single parent is hard as you do everything yourself, but i also find not having someone there to share it all just as painful sometimes. Thanks for sharing your story too. It is appreciated greatly x

Hi Tracey

Your situation is very like mine and gave me strength. My son is nearly 4 and saw his dad until he was 2. Then his father decided he didn't fit into his life an calmly told me he wouln't be seeing J anymore. I pleaded and tried through a solictor to sort something out but to no avail.He now hasn't seen him for over a year. My pain in for my son. As he has seen his Dad he still remembers some things, namesm his job his car etc. He asked me once if he could ring his Daddy. That broke my heart. I told him that he couldn't that and we wouldn't see Daddy anymore. I talked to him about all the people who do love him and how lucky he is to have us all. He does not see any of his fathers family. At nursery other children have asked him questions and he said that his didn't see his Dad as he was working in his shop. I have just ordered the book on Amazon. I do worry about this a lot.about what to say as he gets older and that I want to do anything to not hurt him. I have just read somewhere on this board about an annual letter to Dad and I think I might send a picture to him around Christmas. I just always want my son to know how much I love him. I also worry that one day he may blame me..... I just think in this situation we have to take one day at a time. I know that i have not done anything wrong and I can hold my head up high. I love my son and want to protect him I will tell him things as he asks me. i'm sure school next year might will bring more questions. I agree that only women who are going through this know what it is like and we are all amazing and great mothers. it is good to share this. xx

Hello Sue, i stumbled upon this website after i googled 'childrens books no daddy', as my son who has just turned 4 is starting to ask questions about his daddy. The executive summary of what happened to us was that my husband (now ex husband) left me when i was 8 months pregnant, and we haven't seen anything from him since (emotional support, contact or money). So like many many others i too find myself in this situation of knowing that we have very hard and challenging questions to answer from your lovely children. Some of which will cause actual physical pain to us as we where hurt so very badly by someone whom we loved and trusted. One thing that i wanted to mention, is that during one of my pre-school rotas i overheard a conversation between my son and his friend. His friend said as he was dressing himself up as a builder "my daddy is a builder", and my son just stood there and looked totally blank. He didn't have any vocabulary to respond to his friend. I had never talked about his dad, as he had never asked. To me, the subject of what his father did to us is like a big elephant in the room. I know it is there, but i always walk around it and never mention its there! i then talked about it to a very good friend, and i realised that it is my responsibility to give my son the tools to answer where his father is, otherwise he is left feeling lost, confused...and goodness knows what else. So we had a chat about daddys. I explained to him that he has got a daddy, but that he doesn't live near us, and told him the truth that mummy doesn't know where he is. He asked why he doesn't live near, and i said that he had a few problems that he needed to sort out and to do that he felt that he should go away. I ended what i said by telling him that although his daddy had to go away, that mummy would never leave him, that i loved him and that mummy will make everything ok.I then told him that there are lots of other men who know us both who think he is cool and great and love him very much. At this point, his face changed, and he gave me a really big smile....said...yeah..and then asked if he could make a jelly. It has helped me to read of other stories, and confirmed that i think i am getting it right so far, so i thought sharing mine may do someone else some good too. I think my most important point i wanted to get over is to give the little uns the tools to know how to respond.....one day i hope he will say....'My daddy doesn't live near us'...only time will tell i guess. and by the way....to all of you who live the same kind of life that we do....i think you're all amazing strong women x

Hi all its sad but reassuring to read all your stories so similar to mine. Its been a few months since I came online and I jsut wanted to say I bought a book from Amazon called " Do I have a daddy?" and it has been very helpful. I would definitely recommend it to anyone in my situation. To be honest it didnt give me any major tips that I wasnt already trying but it did reassure me and also it is an excellent way to open the conversation. It is in Toms bedroom and so whenever he wants to talk he just brings me the book and then we talk.
It obviously hurts him and troubles him but at least he is talking to me about his feelings so I guess we just have to ride the storm and hope we come out okay the otherside!
Good luck to all of you and remember you are not aloneand you have the ultimate gift in your beautiful child!

Hi Andi

Yes, there are many women in this situation, including me. My daughter is one year old and I went through the same angst as you wondering what to tell her when she's about 3 (I guess) and starts asking questions. There are many good answers on this site but I wanted to add my tuppence worth. What has helped me is to realize that our babies will pick up from us how we feel about this. If we're worried they'll feel they should be worried too, and if we're relaxed they'll be relaxed too. In fact I think it's not so much the words we tell them, but our attitude towards the whole thing, which the kids learn from most of all. Like you, I'm so happy to have my beautiful little girl and I think I'm doing my best to be a good mum. So I think these are the positive things we should repeat to ourselves during these early years before the questions start arriving. Then hopefully we'll feel confident about ourselves so that when the little girl one day asks 'why haven't I got a daddy' we won't burst into tears! Building a confident and relaxed attitude in my view is the best way forward to prepare for that day, and that's more important than figuring out the right words to use. Easier said than done, I know, but our little innocents trust us and we should try to show them that this is not something to feel miserable and unfortunate about. Maybe when they're older we could start explaining to them more about it, but I guess at age 3 or so all they want to know is that everything is ok.

Yes, I do have my moments of crying and feeling sorry for myself like anyone else, but I'm absolutely determined not to show this side to my little baby when she finally pops the question! Chin up and all that.

I'm almost relieved that there are so many women in similar situations to me. My daughter is 6 months old and i havent seen her father since the day i told him i was pregnant. He said i could "do what i wanted about it, but dont expect any help and support" and he has been true to his word. From the moment the door close behind him his mobile was off. I heard a few weeks later he had moved away with someone else - who was also pregnant by him - and they were planning to get married. In a way, at that point, i didnt care if he wanted to be involved. After two previous miscarraiges there was no way i would willingly end the pregnancy. So i struggled on through it, I even ended up losing my job (he worked for the same company and remained friends with the bosses, so working during my pregnancy was hell. I decided that as soon as i could leave i would) and was hospitalised 3 times with hyperemesis. I often had pangs whilst on the maternity ward alone, with only my mum visiting, seeing all the expectant dads and proud new ones. However it was all worth it when my baby girl was born. I've become fiercely independant and think I'm doing a bloody good job of raising her by myself - even if it is still early days. Just lately though, I've started to wonder how I will explain it to her when she starts asking questions. I know its abit early to start worrying, but i want to be prepared. I dont want to have to say "your daddy didnt want you" or similar to her. Where do I start? And When? What could i possibly say? Will she understand? How will it affect her? Will she blame me? I have so many questions floating round in my head! I know realistically I have a few years to find the answers, but the worry, and the dread of the questions starting, is distracting me from relishing every moment with my amazing little girl. Any ideas on how to push this to the back of my mind? Or indeed start finding those answers? Thanks, Andi x

I think you should intorduce your son to his paternal grandparents as they will complete his family for him. They will be able to tell him stories about his dad and family. As they love their own son too they'll tell their grandchild about his dad in a positive way I expect which you may find harder to do? Think carefully about what it is that the grandparents can do to help your son 'know' his dad and talk to them about it. You may need to clear the air with them and show that you hold no malice towards your ex, just that you want what's best for your son.

Good luck, Emily

It like you've all been pearing into my life!! (have you?? hahaha) My son is 17mths old and his father has wanted to have nothing to do with us since i got pregnant. I would be happy for them to have contact but i doubt that will happen now. I dont know whether to let my son meet his paternal grandparents. I am dreading his questions.

My son's father was absent from well before the birth and even moved abroad to get away from the responsibility. Lately, however, now my son is nearly 14 his father has been in touch and has apologised to both of us for his behaviour and he is trying to make whatever amends he can.

Dealing with the questions from a young child was not difficult for me. I just told the truth to my son and he accepted it as children do. Now that his father is in touch there is no need for me to try to cover up anything and all that I told him he can verify with his dad if he wants to. My advice is don't worry about explaining the truth to a small child, and remember that your daughter deserves to know who her father is and why he is not around. You can explain that it is wrong for him not to be there without colouring her view of him if you do it in neutral language and use calm tones.

Always remember that children question everything from why is the sky blue to why grandad takes his teeth out at night. Questions about absent fathers are just part of their ongoing quest for information and you can always use it as an opportunity to find out how your daughter feels about the situation. My guess is that she is just fine and always will be - just like my son.

I cant believe there are so many people out there who have similar issues to myself. I have a 4 year old daugher who never met her dad until November last year. He had never wanted anything to do with either of us from the day I announced my pregnancy. I took a huge risk and let him visit and he was gone by Xmas stating "he changed his mind". Since that time I have had a lot of behavioural problems and lately she is telling staff at nursery and friends that she has been staying at daddy's house, daddy takes her to the park and many other wonderous fictional stories! She has recently attacked another child at nursery because he dared to say "you don't have a dad". Things are very hard at the moment and all the talking in the world does not seem to help. She cries alot and says "i want a mummy and a daddy" and also "why doesnt daddy come to see me anymore". It breaks my heart and I find it hard to talk without getting tearful. I am seriously considering taking her to see a child psychologist, not sure if this is a good idea or not, but being so close to this subject its impossible for me to talk to her without being emotional. I often wonder if this is adding to the situation.

If anyone has experienced anything similar please let me know. I work full time, spend my evenings feeling like a failure after yet another bad day at nursery and wonder where my life has gone. I have been single for almost 5 years and have little family support.

Thanks for listening, typing this was great - got something off my chest before bedtime for once!

I know it breaks your heart, but I reckon that's becuase as mum's we can be a bit too sensitive sometimes as we know the history and feel sorry for our children, so that when our child calls other people daddy it makes us really upset for them. But I have a feeling that it's less about how sad the child is about not seeing their dad and more about them just being confused about the world and how things work and trying to make sense of it! I'm no child expert but I've heard other mums say that their children have done the same as Shay at similar ages. I even remember my son saying it to someone who wasn't his dad when we were still living together as a family with his real dad! From what I've heard I'd say that the best way of handling it is to have photos of his real dad and to show him those, tell him about his dad so that his dad becomes a real person in his head as he'll have a picture of him and know about him - what he likes doing, what characteristics of his that Shay has inherited etc.

Then when Shay calls someone else Dad just treat it lightly - you'll look back and think that it's just something that he used to do when he was a toddler! If you're worried that he's looking for a daddy and how to behave then mix with other families and let him see dads in action and enjoy boy-like rough and tumble. Tell him what a nice man the bloke at Macdonalds was - how kind he was to Shay, helpful - or whatever he was, so that you're teaching Shay examples of good man behaviour.

I hope this all helps and puts your mind at rest a bit? I'm sure Shay like your other 2 will grow up into a well-balanced young man,

Emily

I`m mum to Shay Paul Senior who is 2yrs n 7 months, he goes to full time private nursery, while i work full-time. When i told Shay`s dad i was expecting, there no indication from him that this would be an unwanted child, we continued the relationship until he was 6 months old. Had i known then what i know now, the relationship would`ve ended before the pregancy began. There has been little contact, through his fathers choice, as it stands he hasn`t seen him for 9 months now.
Shay already is asking about daddies, because he`s sees his friends at nursery Daddies picking them up, which has lead on to instances of Shay, randomaly calling male strangers `dad`, especaily ones with childern, i was even approached by staff at the nursery, to inform me, he`d begun calling another child`s father Daddy as they had similar looks. I`ve tried to explain that all Men aren`t daddies, distracted him, but at the MacDonalds drive thro, the assistant left his till area, to which Shay asked me, `where`s the daddy gone?` to which i replied `Shay`s thats a man, he isnt your daddy` to which my 2 and half year old son then asked me `where is my daddy?` How could i answer? What is the best way to answer a 2 yr old?? My heart is breaking because this didnt happened with my older two sons, who, have a father that loves them, which makes this especilay difficult, i`ve also had instances when he has called his 14 yr old brother Dad, i could continue all day, what the point. This is just the beginging of the questions from Shay.

Being in this situation, I fully understand how difficult it is, it is still quite raw for me, and my little boy is just coming upto 3mths old.
I have tried to establish contact with my babys father, but he just ignores me, and I recently sent a Father's Day card, and that went ignored too, it is very difficult, as I find it really hard to deal with the fact that he can be so callous towards his own flesh and blood, and it worries me what a hard hearted person that just doesn't care.
I have just resigned myself to the fact that I cannot make him see our son, and to be honest. I just enjoy each day with my son now, and cherish them, afterall his Daddy is the one missing out, and having tried contact, attempts at getting him to go to mediation, texts, cards etc, I seriously feel I have done all I possibly can, and will explain this to my little boy when he is at an age to understand and deal with it.

Just to say that I am in this position too. I have a lovely 9 month old baby girl. My relationship with my daughter's father ended during my pregnancy. Towards the end of the pregnancy I attempted to establish some sort of contact with my ex in order to discuss his 'role' in the baby's life. He totally ignored my calls and hung up on me when I called him 2 hours after giving birth to inform him that we have a gorgeous baby girl. It is only since making a CSA application that there has been any contact (he contacted me begging me to call off the CSA).
Although he has (reluctantly) met my daughter 3 times now, he has kept meetings brief and I have finally accepted that he is not interestred in this parenting role. It hurts like mad knowing that I cannot protect my baby from this void in her life; the absence of a father. However I also know, cliche as it may sound, that I have an abundance of love for her which I hope will more than compensate. I just dread the day when she asks me where her daddy is and why he is not around.

Dear Kate and Emily,

I was married for several years, fell pregnant, husband abandoned me and unborn baby.

Heard nothing from him for several years since the birth of my child. I received a solicitors letter insisting he got a contact order. It appears that this contact order is to aid immigration problems. I feel strongly this is not a genuine request for contact, I feel my case is unique and would like to hear if there are others in a similar situation.
From Elizabeth Smith

I think you're right to focus on the positives of what you do have and I like the way you 'measure' family - but I would have an eye to the not too distant future when she MAY want to meet him. I'd keep tabs on where he is, or how to get hold of him or his family if it comes up. You may think he's unsavoury but she is half hom, so you don't want her thinking that, or that there's a chance she's 'bad' becuase he is. It's a fine line between being truthful about your view of him, and allowing your child a nice picture of her dad.

I am in the same situation with my 4.5 yo daughter. Her father stopped showing any interest after she was 6 months old. He is a very unsavory character so I have not actively pursued contact. Now that she has started asking about him, I am honest with her about my feelings- I tell her that I want nice people around her and that he is not a nice man - and then try my best to divert the conversation. I talk about the family we do have- my parents and siblings in the US- and the circle of friends we have here. I also say that a family is measured by the amount of love you have not the number of people around. I do try to get across that she and I are a team and that I will do everything in my power to encourage and support her. To be honest, I don't know if this satisfies her- probably not.
I don't think there will ever be an easy way to deal with this subject in our family. If nothing else, I want my daughter to know that my love for her is constant.

I have just read this and it is really encouraging as it reinforces most of what I am doing. I will have a look for the book you mentoned and give it a go. Tom is desparate to hold his dads hand and has this image of perfect daddy which is hard to take sometimes but it will not be me who destroys this image but i do try to be as honest aspossible. Thanks again for your help. Sue

Hi Im Sue and am new to this forum. I am mum to Tom who is 5 and that all important 1/2! We have always been a duo, I havent seen his dad since I was 3 months pregnant, I wont say the last 6 yrs have been easy as it hasnt but it most certainly has been the most wonderful 6 yrs of my life. Tom is a bright, happy well adjusted little fella who everyone loves but with this he is emotionally very aware and sensitive and consequently has been asking questions about his dad. I have been honest with him and have never avoided the questions or said bad things about his dad and it is always an open topic. I eventually contacted the CSA as it was my only way of contacting him hoping it would prompt him to make contact with Tom but he just demanded DNA test which was not nice for me but Tom is unaware of. Now I wish I hadnt bothered as much as I could do with the money it wasnt about that. Then Tom came home with a letter he had written at school to his dad begging him to come home. He is desparate to meet him and says it makes him miserable, but it looks unlikely to happen. I am so aware of how important it is to get this right but just dont know if I am handlingit right. It is so reassuring to hear others are in the same boat although I am sorry for you too as it is heartbreaking to be unable to protect him from this. Any suggestions or ideas? Thanks Sue & Tom xx

Thankyou for your kind reply.

It really is so hard. I can see no way around that being in this situation is in some way going to hurt the child you want so badly to protect.

I do think the truth is the right thing to tell her and emphasise what she does have but I know she will have times when she feels upset by all this.

Thankyou for your support though.

Lily, my eldest daughter's father has never been around. She's 19 now, and we went through more or less exactly what you're describing. I was amazed, because I'd always thought that this was a situation that wouldn't arise until she was much older and so while I had answers prepared, they weren't answers that a 3 year old could ever understand.

I told her that her Daddy lived in Africa (which he did) and that he hadn't been ready to have a baby, so he and Mummy had never lived together. I told her that everybody in the family loved her very much, and her Daddy was a kind man who liked to help children in Africa (he worked for Save The Children).

That (and variations on that theme) kept her happy for a couple of years, but by the time she was 5ish she really wanted to meet him. So I wrote to him, and he was keen too. They met a few times, and he took her on some trips to the zoo etc. with his partner. Unfortunately, his partner wasn't ready to take on a stepchild and so the visits stopped.

I'm not sure I handled the situation very well, but I know that it meant the world to my daughter just to know who her father is. She very rarely talks about him now, and if asked just shrugs and says she'll maybe go and look for him when she's ready to have children of her own. But since that six month period, she has photos and memories of her father and that seems to have been good enough for her.

She's at Uni now, and the photos are prominently displayed above her desk in her room, alongside photos of me and her younger brother and sister.

(((hugs))) for you: it's very hard, isn't it?

Thankyou so much for your reply Kate.

Its never a situation I expected to be in and I have so much enjoyed her taking our little family just as it is while she has been young.

It has been a little daunting now that she is now starting to ask questions and I do not want her not to feel we cannot talk about it, but I want to be sure I have the best responses and support I can give her so your advice will be helpful.

I will look into the book.

Your are right, it would be interesting to see how parents with donor children manage, even though this is not my situation.

Neither of us is in this situation but we’ve met several people who are. But the Mums we have met who are are amongst the absolute diamond , greatest. We encountered one situation where a boy of 10 got to.. talk about Dad ask questions about his unknown Dad , a subject so dear to him which he thought was a taboo subject and that would upset his Mum… but he so wanted to explore all of this and get it out in the open . When he did the relief was enormous and emotional

You see there’s a natural, deep-rooted urge in all of us to know where we come from. This means that children, want to know about both parents. It doesn’t matter if they have never seen their father, or don’t even know his name – they want to know where they came from and who created them .

I am no child expert at all , but it seems that many people have built into the hard drive a desire to know about their parents. Maybe your daughter has just noticed that everyone else has a Dad even if they don't live with Mummy and she is curious. his interest will more than likely ebb and flow forever. So you do need to deal with it on an ongoing basis. But this is a big one and she really needs to be able to talk to you about such a big issue . If you are having trouble do find a family therapist in your area

We are very big on the Mum and Dad thing beliveing that children take a degree of self esteem from the reflection of their parents. That does not mean that your daughter can't get anything from Dad if he is not around physically .It is up to you to fill in the gaps so that she gets a positive though not detailed picture of her father no badmouthing Dad or suggesting he abandoned you and your daughter.

Grown-up lives and emotions are complex. looking at situations through your children’s eyes can give enormous clarity to the course of action you should take and add that with a belief that children get some reflected self esteem from how they see their parents it is a good idea that there is a reasonably OK image of Dad

The very basic rules we have learnt about communicating difficult stuff with children is a) Keep to a version of the truth b) Never let them feel responsible or to blame for the situation c)make sure they feel loved and unabandoned d) keep it gentle and age appropriate.e) keep talking and asking questions and empathaising

So adding these bits and bobs of home spun wisdom . I think...You should

Tell your daughter that she does have a Daddy over a very gentle chat with a
very vaque reason why you said he was not around if asked
Have a gentle reason for why he is not around
Have a version of your story
Tell her a few things about him, his name etc etc try and say nice, neutral things about him . This is not about letting him off but helping your daughter

And say all this is an honest sort of ‘I don't know why ‘,’sometimes it is not easy to understand what adults do ‘, he needed to be somewhere else , he doesn't know how beautiful , fantastic and so on you are and then empathaise ... you must feel sad etc etc .

And then diversion off to the Park. keep it in bite sized chunks

She needs to be able to talk to you about this , and not feel it is a taboo subject
some answers will be greatly reassuring always want to know about their dad.

These conversations will not be easy

Talk about him in a way that let’s them know it’s OK to want to know about him.
You’ll have to start the conversations.
Actively encourage their questions. Even if you don’t know the answers, at least you know what’s on their mind and can help them to deal with it.

Also
If possible try and get in touch with Dad to see if he would entertain the idea of some contact, photo , annual letter . This is about so much more than getting money if that is what frightens him

We want to urge you to gather as much information, as trivial or irrelevant as it may seem, so that if the children really want to know about him in the future you can produce something, even if it’s just a file of bits and bobs. For your part, knowing that you’ve some answers will be greatly reassuring and make your children’s job, should they wish or need to find him in the future, so much easier.

Find a book as a tool for getting your daughter to open up . I have no idea what it is like but Amazon sell one called ‘Do I have a Daddy’ I write this as often it is not what is in the book , as your daughter can’t read it will be a promt for you to open up a chat .

I would love to know what babies/ children born as a result of donor tell there children or if it is in any way relevant., anybody know ????

But remember ……Be honest …………Try and keep Dad positive Lots of self esteem
Toddlers grow up and start to work things out so prepare for this , we heard of someone who sent a birthday card to her daughter from ‘Dad’ for 14 years with explosive results when the truth came out .

Am on the case , I keep starting and losing my reply so am now feeling very irritated with this machine !!! Ever the one to work to deadlines I WILL have something up by the time I go to book club tonight