Kate & Emily

Hi just wondered if you could advise me. I have a twelve year old daughter who has had no contact with her biological father for just over ten years. Recently he has contacted her via face book and wants contact with her, i have spoken to my daughter and she wants to get to know him aswell, i have no problem with this but am concerned as all them years ago when her father was around he was in abad way taking drugs etc i need to no he is now not doing this and is in a better situation so it is safe for my daughter, i am unsure of how i could do this for the safety of my daughter, been trying to find contact centres etc but to no avail can you help, i would be very gratefull............

I'm so sorry not to have got back to you sooner  but here goes...  firstly, it's very early days and things like access, money and the way you'll communicate with each other are often very volatile and up in the air for the first months or so.  You're doing fantastically keeping your son's relationship with their father at the centre of what you do, and even if this gets blown off course for a couple of months or so, keep it as your long term goal and the reason why you do what you do when dealing with your ex.  If he can;t talk to you at the moment then don't - use email.  Email's fine, but I'd recommend keeping it to logisitcs and business like, please don't get emotional in it, or put anything to paper that you wouldn't want be happy for anyone else, other than your ex, to read as email's have a way of popping up in all sorts of places!  Now to you, you can plan things and this is what you do - when you and oyur ex agree a weekend for the boys to go to him check that it's a definate as you're oging to be going away that weekend so you won't be bale to have the boys if his plans change.  Then book yourself to go and stay with friends or family somewhere, but take oyurslef away from home.  It'll be a fun thing to do and be a real break, it also means your ex knows he can't change his mind.  Now if his plans do chnage and that weekend is difficult for him to have the children then he'll have to find the solution - perhaps his parents could have them, perhaps he'll need to get a babysitter sorted...  whatever it is you'll have to cut yourslef off and think 'these are his children, I know he loves them and will make sure they're safe, this is the weekend he's the parent in charge so whatever he organises is fine and the children will be OK and if it's not a great weekend for them then so be it, it's not the end of the world.'  If you don;t go away, then book things to do at home, people to see palces to go and still say you're organiising things that you won;t be able to change so again he's left in charge and will need to deal with any consequences of changing plans.  Hold firm, you do need ot do all you can for your children and their dad, but you also need to look after you. Good luck Emily