An advertorial for the Divorce Support Group which gives advice and help on the first emotions post break up

TAKING THE STING OUT OF DIVORCE

Joking and light hearted banter aside, divorce is right up there with death in terms of its impact on your emotional well being. There is no quick fix and no easy answer to what is essentially a bereavement and feels like an overwhelming loss and sense of abandonment.

One of the most important things to do is to accept that you feel the way you do and allow yourself to grieve without fighting it. Rather than immediately rushing off to busy yourself, allow yourself to cry, feel angry and rage if you want to. Not fighting it will make it feel better. There is time enough to pick yourself up and reshape your life. Don’t be surprised by the magnitude of your feelings, indulge them. That’s a much better investment for recovery than masking them.

It is very common when you are going through a separation, to feel alone and isolated, even when you have close friends and family who you can talk to. It is also common that you feel that you don’t want to burden your friends and family with a long term repeat of all the terrible things you are feeling. Friends also have their own agenda and can sometimes unwittingly be rather insensitive. ‘Play more golf’ or ‘That’s enough upset, you should be feeling better by now’ is less than helpful.

You may also feel that suddenly, having been part of a social circle that you took for granted, you have been rather abandoned. Couples no longer invite you in the same way and friends may align themselves with your ex making you feel very uncomfortable.

Then there is the very real adjustment of not having your children with you all the time and feeling that your ex is not looking after them in the way that you would like. There is also the anxiety that in the ‘other’ household, there is a different culture of bed times, meals and films that your children are allowed to watch.

Navigating your way through the legal process is a minefield and you may find yourself polarised in a way that you did not want by getting lawyers letters that make you feel stressed and anxious.

However all this is a process and things do get better.

What is needed more than anything at this time is real and sustained support from people going through the same process. People who have experienced and are experiencing what you are going through. People who you can help with your experiences and who can help you in return. People whose confidentiality you can rely on and who you can talk to in a way that you can’t to your friends.

Divorce Support Group runs small groups of 6 people who meet each week to share their experiences with each other and help each other through it. Many people find it a life line and look forward each week to coming to a place where they will be understood and helped. More often than not, the group members become friends outside the group once the sessions are over.

If you are interested in joining a group, details are on www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk

Charlotte Friedman
Barrister and Family Therapist.