Kate & Emily

I think my ex did it quite well with his girlfriend and they lived together pretty much from the beginning of their relationship becuase she came over from the US. She doesn;t have kids either and so I don;t think she quite gets children but she does try too. The children have never said anything nasty about her or complained which is good - this is what they do (this is reported from kids so might not be entirely accurate!) at the weekend their dad's in charge fo them, he's the parent and he does the telling off, bathing, homework etc.. All the parent bits as he always did before. She is around the house, but a little seperate - cooking etc - so that she can join in a conversation if invited, or something to add, gently becoming part of it. They have family meetings at the begiining of the weekend to decide what they'll all do and it might mean his girlfriend (Anna) sayingn that she needs to go off shopping for something at some point, or their Dad saying he needs to wash the car etc then the children say which of those errands they'd like to join in on. The only time the children have complained it's been about their Dad being stricter infront of Anna (as she's less child freindly so has higher expectations of behaviour) or him giving her too much of his time - to fix her pc or something like that. But generally it seems to work by allowing the parent to parent and the other to be a part that is around and more background. They also do things that they all like to do like bike rides so they all have fun together. And Anna talks to them and find common interests like drawing and stuff. Sometimes I think they do too many activites and try too hard to make it fun becuase just being at home can be fun too and if you spend time chilling out, building models etc together then tyou also have the time for good conversations to develop and for you and your children to feel like they've had a chance to talk to you and be listened to, rather than off swimming, off cycling, to a film etc etc all weekend. Hope that helps?

Here are some bits and bobs of things I have found on my computer .... which may or may not be useful but really all points to the same place

Go slowly , just because you have a close strong relationship with your girlfriend your children don't , and this needs to be allowed to develop at a normal pace without forcing anything, and I think this is the key just let it evolve naturally.

The children need time to adjust to a new set of circumstances

Your role as a father and boyfriend are separate, you can be both and your children should not feel downgraded in any way

Before thinking about how hard this is likely to be for you and your relationship , stop for a minute consider the following

A Childs eye view

Children are likely to experience strong feelings that they have little experience of managing .

They are experiencing major change again and this may be confusing.

They may feel powerless to influence big changes and want to be noticed .

They may be anxious, with loads of little niggles about how day to day life may change.

Giving up the fantasy that Mum and Dad will be reunited may be hard.

There may be a feeling of loss having to share their parent.

They may feel what they interpret as a betrayal that the happy little unit wasn’t enough for the adult.

In some shape or form they are likely to feel sad, angry and worried.

Do not let this put you off

When new units work they are great

It is in their interest as they grow up to have been part of a successful unit.

It is in their interest that both parents have well balanced and fulfilled lives.

It is good to have sound role models all working together.

Children can not have enough good and solid role models to support them through life.

The lessons that they can learn from this challenge can be huge.

TOP TIP NUMBER ONE for your girlfriend

A step parent is not a parent. Children are not looking for another mother or father they have only one even if they are no longer there. Children do not have ex mothers and ex fathers

Release yourself from the burden that implies you are something you are not nor can ever be and work out what you would like to be to the children. A special grown up pal, a confidante they can turn to, a mentor to guide them, a guardian angel god parent style, a coach and then let the relationship develop gently over time. Try and think of someone from your childhood who you knew that you had a special friendship with as a child.

I have heard myself say that the children are part of the package and that implies part of me. They are not, they are individuals whose relationship needs to develop at its own pace with every new person.

Thanks for that it is good sound advice but I suppose I didn’t express my feelings too much about how I feel towards my girlfriend, we only see each other on a Saturday evening and all day Sunday that’s it, I have the children on a Friday night and all day Saturday this has been going on for the last six months. We are dying to see more of each other but both understand that we must take it slowly, the plan is to slowly introduce the children to my girlfriends house and of course to my girlfriend. It’s this area that we are not sure of, the part you described about the role of my Girlfriend (lets call her Tracey) helped weather she is to be Friend, Aunt etc. did help slightly, is that what she should do? Take on a particular role and stick to it? I’m slightly nervous about how I can be a Father and a boyfriend at the same time in the same house. Tracey is a very understanding and caring person but doesn’t know much about children. I think as long as I make it a fun and loving experience for the kids with plenty of activities and give them plenty of attention and ask Tracey to join in but be aware that the kids will have to come first after all its just one night and one day a week, things should be OK what do you reckon?

Simon

Hi our type of advise is a bit like that from a friend . From what you have told us ,

1 It feels to me to be too soon to move in with your girlfriend. The reason you state is really one of convenience , not the greatest of reasons .
2 You are very lucky to have found such a nice girlfriend with values similar to yourself , but you are quite right to go gently. Have a look at the top tips for introducing and incorporating new partners , she really needs to decide the role she wants does she want to be like an aunt, a friend, a big sister , a godmother and then work towards that . Go slowly , give them space and let you and the children have at least some time alone together.
3 Is it possible to find somewhere more suitable and semi permenant for you to live ? to go unwillingly from the marital home to your new girlfriends ( when you do not sound to me totally ready ) via a rented bedroom is probably missing a stage out and that is doing a bit more than surviving on your own , but creating your own space where you and your children can be happily on your access weekends .
4 It is always difficult to accept that you and your children are not having the family life you wanted to have and give them, but it does get easier. Many Dads in your situation find that by managing carefully their time with the children and really making it count , communicating with them frequently they can have really good and strong relationships with their children . I personally would focus on this whilst I was in recovery rather than complicating things by moving in with your girlfriend .

Those are my thought on the basis of your question , hope they are OK

All the best

Emily what do you think ?

Kate

We're in conference debating and hatching on this one and will be back with a reply soon... In the mean time if anyone else has advice please post it