Kate & Emily

Email to friend

My boyfriend recently moved in with me and his son (5) who lives with his Mum has now said he doesn't want to come and stay. he says he likes me and my son (3) but he doesn't like it that his dad is living with another little boy. I am totally thrown by the whole situation - alternating between thinking that child of 5 can't control things like this (since he said it he has not stayed - his Dad has taken him away for the weekend twice or just had outings)to feeling terrible that w ehave moved in too quickly. My boyfriend is now thinking of moving out - o don't know what to do!!!!! Hello! How flipping lucky as I've literally just got my pc working, and saw your posting.... Kate's away at the mo so you've just got me applying my mind I'm afraid, but when she's back I'll get her to add her pennyworth too. Now.... You're right a 5 year old can't dictate things but if he's not happy then his parents won't be either, and as one of them is your boyfriend that's a bit major! I'd say slow it right down for his 5 year old and rememeber that it's totally understandable that he's jealous, as your son is living with HIS dad, and he probably dreams of being able to live with his dad again. So I suppose if you're trying to stop someone feeling jealous then you want to show them that you do really love them still, and that you are their dad and no one elses, and that dad living with another lady and her son doesn't change any of that. So perhaps don't expect anything of the little boy, in terms of wanting to stay, but on his weekends with his dad how about he and his dad go out together, and you and your son join them later for a bit (not in the house but somewhere neutral) so that he slowly builds up a friendship with your son. Your boyfriend will need to be careful not to 'father' your son - no disciplining, not being left in sole charge of him, no in jokes, etc.. You're the parent - not him. Then his own son can begin to see the difference between his own relationship with his dad and your son's. If he doesn't want to stay over then don't fuss or worry, just do day trips (on saturday and sunday), or if you and your own son could go away for a couple of weekends so your boyfriend and his son could have the place to themselves to ease him into the idea and help him relax. I've banged on loads so I'll shut up now! But don't be disheartened - he likes you, you're not the problem and your boyfriend moving out gives his son fantastic power - ''wow! I can say I don't want to stay over and I'll get my dad back all to me!!'' Be careful - knee jerk reactions aren't necessarily the answer. And combining families takes an awful lot of time and patience - always more than us adults want it to! Good luck, Emily