Email to friendI would just like some advice really as my situation is about to change, through no doing of my own, and that, to me, is a little worrying and im not sure what to do!?
My partner left me when i was 7 months pregnant after deciding that he wasnt ready to become a father (for the second time around - he already has an 8 yr old daughter from a previous relationship) i coped well and let him disappear off of the radar, as wanted my pregancy to be as stress free as possible, hard as that was!! when my son was born he arrived at the hospital and promised to always look out for us both, even though we were no longer an item and i was happy with this. For the first 3 months he was in contact regularly and made an effort to see his son as often as he could. Then lo and behold all of a sudden, he cut contact with us. completely disappeared, no phonecalls no messages nothing. I still kept in contact with the rest of his family, meeting up at birthdays and xmas's, and it was like he never exsisted, no mention of him was ever made, and i ended up becoming used to this strange scenario as i think, selfishly i enjoyed having my little boy all to myself.
Now out of the blue, he has been back in contact asking to meet up with me as we need to "talk" about things and i feel very sick and nervous at the thought. I am SO angry and humiliated at the way he has behaved since i had my son, and hurt more deeply than i could ever have imagined......not for what has gone on between me and him, but for the fact that he hasn't given our little boy a second thought! no cards on his birthday or at xmas, not even a message to ask how hes doing, and i know via his family he never asked after him through them either! i heard through the grapevine the only thing that had been said was that he felt he never "bonded" with him, but considering he left when he was 3 months old, i dont believe he gave it a chance! one of the hardest parts to deal with is that he went to court to gain access to his daughter, has her every other weekend, and pays monthly for her keep, whereas i have never taken a penny from him, never argued or raised my voice to him, or been rude or abusive,and have certainly NEVER stopped him from seeing him! i have managed to be the most adult i have ever been, for the sake of my son and i cant get my head around why this has happened?!
I have agreed to meet up with him but now what do i do???? how do i react?? every fibre of my being wants him to go away forever and leave us alone as im doing a great job by myself but i realise this isn't probably the best way forward for our little boy............any advice would be much appreciated!! I apologise for the essay but the bigger the picture, the better the advice i say!!! Thank You xx
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oh thank you so much for
oh thank you so much for your advice, i do realise that my little boy needs his dad around- the one thing i cant bear the thought of, is him growing up with hang ups and issues because he doesnt have his dad around.....thats why i aim to NEVER come between them and will strive to always allow him contact with his father- as like you say he only has one!! and he is 50% his as well as mine!
since my last message we have met up twice, the second time being just last night, where he met his son for the first time in 18 months. it was a weird experience seeing them together, and my little boy wouldnt leave his side instantly. it was as if he knew who he was??it could of course, be coincidence but its a rare occurance that my little boy gives strangers kisses??! i let him introduce himself as daddy and they seemed really comfortable with eachother. he also asked when he can next see him, for a longer period of time, so hopefully we can arrange something soon. after he left he sent me a text message saying that he loves him and thanked me for giving him a second chance...........i guess now its watch this space??
i totally hope, with all of my heart that he sticks to his word and takes the time to get to know his little boy, all i can do is be supportive whatever happens, at least i know that my little boy will always have me, no matter what, and i will fight to keep his dad around, for his sake :0) I wonder if these situations do ever have a happy ending? I hope for Alfies sake this story does x
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your posting - and don;t apologise for it being too long! I've been thinking about what you've told us and how you're feeling and I think you might find it helpful to take two approaches to the situation - one that looks after your son, and the other that looks after you as they don;t have to be mutually exclusive. First of all your son - you know that it's good for him to have a relationship with his dad and you've done fantastically at helping it happen whenever your ex has asked. I know there's never a good time to break up with someone, but during pregancy is probably one of the worst and I admire oyu for having put your own perosnal history behind you and encouring your son to know his dad and his dad's family. I really think that you have to continue along this road, so if your ex wants to be back in his son;s life then do all you can to support it. Remember that he can be a good and active dad as he's shown that with his daughter. Try not to compare the way he is with her and with your son as I can imagine that it is easier for an absent dad to have a relationship with a 8 year old than with a newborn - I wouldn't let myself over-analysis it anymore than that. OK, so that's what I'd do to look after your son, but I think that you also need to take some action to look after yourself in all this. I don;t blame you at all for feeling hurt, humiliated, like a pushover etc, but I do think it's in your power to take some control over the effect it has on you. Your son is now 18 months so I reckon you could drop him off at your ex's family for the day, afternoon etc to celebrate grandad's birthday or whatever, and you don;t stay - get a bit of distance so that you balancing nuturing relationships for your son and protecting yourself from these feelings of hurt etc.. I bet you are doing a great job bringing up oyur son on your own, but believe me, it's a load easier when there's a dad around either to have them for a weekend so you get a break, or to talk to when you're worried about their health, school etc. or to help you discipline etc etc. So don;t see it as him coming back and mucking things up, instead think of the ways in which you would like him to help and decide what your boundaries are. I really recommend looking at our co-parenting form beofre oyu meet up - you could print him off a copy too and it'll really help focus the discussion on your boy and away from your emotions. Here's the link to it - or even better but the book with the whole thing in!!!! http://www.kateandemily.com/kate-emily-co-parenting-form
Lots of luck, Emily
I do hope that writing