Kate & Emily

Email to friend

My concerns are undoubtedly those shared by all mothers – first and foremost the emotional welfare and secondly the financial support of my son.

By way of brief history, my son’s father returned alone to the U.S. when I was 5 months’ pregnant. My son is not quite a year old and his father has neither seen him, nor recognized him legally. When I learnt I was pregnant the father was not yet divorced (morally wrong to get involved, I know, and I’m not proud of it) – no bad judgments please. I’d been seeing another man briefly because of his very status – I had neither made nor broken a commitment with anyone but was very much in love with the father. News of this broke his heart (or killed his ego) and together with the impending arrival - a surprise for us both - was met by mixed and fluctuating reviews: on his side, initial ecstasy followed by question of paternity, followed by guilt, request to terminate, admission that its what we wanted, and assertion that he was returning to US and couldn’t be there for me despite the fact that he really wanted children (he doesn’t have any other children). The father continued to contact me by telephone shortly before the birth and post-birth, no surprise… radio silence.

I have sent news including photos but no response. Hopeful that giving him the time/space with no pressure approach will allow him to mature, mellow, or both, but there is no certainty he will ever acknowledge, let alone, embrace his son. It is perhaps easy to switch off being so distant geographically speaking and not having seen/bonded with his son. Indeed he may be rejecting his son because he represents the recognition of his infidelity and perhaps cutting ties makes it less painful.

It is most sad for his innocent and adorable son. I have questioned whether I should track him down myself and just appear before him with his son but so far I have drawn the line before that or making contact again with his family or making first contact with his friends. I don't want to hound him into a corner. I guess it has to come from him. I very much want father/son to know each other but realize you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do. Some boys never become men and are incapable of standing up to their responsibilities.

Nevertheless, I have reiterated that the door will always be open. He knows where we are and I will continue to send news and photos. I’d like to believe that given the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins, not through strength but by perseverance.

On a separate financial note, I had vowed not to pursue him (he returned to U.S. starting again at zero without employment and living with parents). I’m not struggling yet but as you well know, solo parenting isn’t easy -- therefore I’m looking at my options and whether it is feasible to pursue him through CSA considering we live on different sides of the Atlantic and he might not be easy to locate. However, it takes 2 to Tango and he is responsible for a child both financially and emotionally even if he is in denial. On the one hand I feel financial assistance is my son’s right. On the other hand, I hesitate to open Pandora’s box…so many stories of parents living apart that cause problems logistically, emotionally, etc…then again, I think maybe it is worth it for my son. Does anyone have positive experience of international child support case?

My immediate concern is that my son will grow up feeling something is missing, question his own identity, etc. It’s all very well providing him with good male role models but there is no substitute for your biological father.

Is it not far better to know your father than for him to remain unknown? Is it not better to say that I have tried and done all that I can to maintain contact with his father, than to live with regret at the things I didn’t do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

PS. Also posted (in error) as a reply to earlier absent father posting. Perhaps you are able to delete duplication?

Strength to Single Mums