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Back in the same position again!!

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Hi, I thought i'd never get over losing my partner when he left(first time), things started looking up, and he came back, we had our second child and he left again when she was 1, it followed the same pattern and yet again he came back. Each time he left, he always had a new female friend,who a few weeks later would become his partner, sparks would fly because he had no contact with the children until he became involved with these so called friends and suddenly wanted them to meet the new other half, to which i said 'not yet'so he'd have a temper and accuse me of not letting him see the girls. The relationships fade and them he comes back. 3 times this has happened and was about to happen again, but this time he wasn't working. While i was out at work, he'd be on the internet chatting up women and setting up profiles of himself as single man (with no children). I confronted him about this and he said it was just a bit of fun, nothing in it,trying to dimiss this i drove myself crazy, checking temp files, emails,texts, the lot, but he was clever, deleted them all(which made me more sus),after managing to find a very clever programe, i logged him daily and this became my daily routine for 3 months, reading what he was writing to women!! not sure if anyone can imagine how i felt!!! i finally had the courage to let rip one night and told him to leave. It's been 2 months now and he barely see's the girls(unless i contact him)He drops in out of the blue for maybe an hr every 2 weeks or so and had them overnight on saturday while i went out, My youngest(3)was really upset before going to bed but did settle and i had a rubbish night out worrying about them. I have no idea what to do for the best, i want him to have contact but there is nothing structured for them,i have told him this loads of times but he doesn't hear me!! I'm sick of chasing him, and seeing him just throws me, i'm ok when he's not around, but when he's been, i'm left in pieces, and so upset and messed up. Any ideas where to go from here, i can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, all i know is that he isn't right for me, I've given him enough chances don't you think???

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Hi,It's now been nearly 5

Submitted by Andrea Dawson on Wed, 2007-11-07 23:15.

Hi,It's now been nearly 5 months since he left. I don't see him as much as i used to now and just as predicted he has yet another new girlfriend. The contact between him and the girls is very few and far between. He took them out for tea last Tue and was only just over an hr with them. After he had gone my eldest told me that he'd taken them to tell them about his new girlfriend. He now wants then every Sat at 10am. This has caused problems for my eldest, as she broke down and cried because ahe doesn't want to meet this neew woman at all. She is so mixed up and i'm having terrible problems with her at home!! She is now seeing a councellor at school in the hope she can get her to open up, she has no self esteem and it's heart breaking to watch.. Even now he's gone he's still causing problems for us.
I hope you get your life back on track, people say it's gets easier with time, but i'm still waiting. He's not in our lives but still screwing it up!!
Good luck to you and my love to your children.
A.x

Hi,ive been in same

Submitted by vicks on Sat, 2007-11-03 21:11.

Hi,ive been in same situation as you,Have 2 10 month old twins,my little girl has cerabal palsy,everything was fine until our babys came along.since the twins were born he changed,into a controling,abusive,verbally.manipulative,angry bloke.I used to think it was always my fault why he used to get so angry,if i used to argue back,it always made it worse i had to listen to the most disgusting,vile stuff said to me,and if i dared argue back or stick up for myself it was my fault.I cant remember how many times hes run back home to his parents in 10 months its been about 10 or even more times and either rings me up nxt day or a few days later,and apologises,says he will change is very sorry,yes i know what sort of idiot am i?
I used to be this big strong person not physically but mentally,My friends know where they are with me i say it how it is,probably too honest for everyone own likeing,Even my 3 older kids say im a mug for taking him back.
Well hes gone again again tonight ,his parents came round for thier usuall sat visit,Kept on making twisted comments to me out of earshot and then when i had enough told his parents im not putting up with it anymore,he started shouting swearing at me whilst holding my little girl,his parents just sat thier and said nothing to him, just his dad whats it about now, and how 50% of our arguements happen is he stays up all night till 3 4 in morning has to take medication which knocks him out then doesnt get up till 1 or 2 in afternoon,
Well i know deep in my heart i do not love him anymore,havnt after every arguement has eaten away any love or trust i used to feel for him,hes destroyed it.
I wont be taking him back any longer,i wont take his calls,to say im sorry,i used to think it was better to have him than end up on my own,I dont think that anymore ,I hope i stay strong i owe it to myself and my children.
Vicky

I'm so sorry you're having

Submitted by emily on Sun, 2007-08-12 18:26.

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. You're right, I can't imagine how you felt watching your husband for such a long time, but I do know that sometimes we have to push ourselves to the very limit and breaking point until we truly give up on soemthign and know it's over. It sounds as if you reached that point, but that doesn't mean you should be skipping for joy now - far from it! 2 months is very early days and incredibly hard to get through. However, you will, and in a few months time you'll be feeling more positive and able to start to look to the future when you're feeling calmer. Until then you must look after yourself so don;t over do it - get help from friends and family, go out to see friends. going out will get easier as you need to remember that your children will get used to staying at their dad's - they DID settle down the night you went out - it also seems a good way for them to stay in touch with him without you having to have the heartache of him around int he house when you're there? In the very early days contact is often unpredicatable and can be infrequent as both of you are very upset and find it hard. Keep at it though, the children;s relationship with their dad is important to them and will work very well for you too as you'll have the other parent to talk to help make decisions about the children in the future and child free time which belie me you'll get to really appreciate! If their dad popping round for an hour or so is doing your head in then how about grabbing your coat and leaving them to ti for an hour? Go anywhere - just out.

I really hope this is of some use to you and helps you to just keep going as things will all get better. There are lots of articles and worksheets on this site that could help you - especially the co-parenting form a little down the line.

Love emily