Do you dread the Christmas conversation that seems to start the minute the summer ends? It always seems to start off as a bit of a joke, but turns into a serious question frighteningly quickly.

For many people the whole festive season can be problematic beyond belief. The dream of a happy family supported by perfect images grinning out from the adverts, coupled with selective memories from our own childhood, can make a horrible mix. Especially when combined with the guilt that our children may not be experiencing the magic, but instead shattered dreams and painful reminders of last year or the past.

Children of any age can find it difficult to talk about how they feel about not living with both their parents. They say it’s ‘fine’ or just don’t talk about it. But general wisdom is that children benefit from talking about it – just like the adults do! Without talking to you about it they can often get it wrong and think all sorts of things that would make your hair curl if you knew. So, time to find out what they’re thinking and help them through.

When you start to look around for advice in this area the phrase you come across a lot is ‘age appropriate’ communication with children, and when you look for examples of what is age appropriate they’re hard to find. However, you know your children, you also know that what you say needs to be true because you can’t tell them one thing until they’re 18 and then tell them the truth because you think they’re now ‘old enough’ – that, quite frankly is asking for a HUGE backfire-ing session! Hard to imagine it working out well and child hugging parent saying ‘thanks for protecting me so well from such a horrid truth, I now feel well-adjusted enough to deal with it and will revise my feelings and attitudes towards you, dad and love in the light of it. Thanks wow you’re the best!’ So, keep it basic and heavily simplify the complicated adult bit, keeping the nub of what really happened / is happening there so that what you say is true and will still be true when they’re that 18 year old.

I have decided that having ill children is the worst bit about this whole deal. Do not get me wrong, my family is so stuffed full of doctors and nurses that had it not been for my lamentable performance in chemistry O’ level (U) I too would have been pacing the wards. So how do I find myself at night thrown into a spasm of panic fearing for my son’s life as he has slight bout of the flu?

Boy goes to bed off-colour and with a raised temperature, before he falls fast asleep he mutters turn the light off it hurts. Something is seriously wrong, he always sleeps with the light on! I turn light off, run down stairs ring my father (retired 20years) does his neck hurt??? I don’t know, ring your sister … could be meningitis!!!!!!!!!! Sister not there go on NHS Direct tap in ‘Temperature, eyes hurt with light, screen starts flashing ring 999 !!!!!!!!!!!! Think to self ‘eyes often hurt when you have a temp so I need to do some more tests’. Race upstairs, wake child with torch ‘does this hurt?’ I yell trying to remain calm, put your chin on chest, scour body for rash so thoroughly give child rash…. passes all the tests, begs to be allowed to go back to sleep. Go to bed at 10 can’t possibly leave him in another room how would I perform my hourly observations? So drag him in with me. Feels cooler…. Woken in night by wheezy chest…. Obviously at 3 in the morning this is pneumonia.. Call NHS Direct lovely lady on phone tells me the GP will ring within an hour .. An hour! I don’t have phone near bed… move bedding to sitting room, move son and self onto sofa … fall asleep. 2 hours later GP rings, child breathing normally, temperature down. 7.30am feel like I have done a few rounds with Frank Tyson.

Things children of any age need to understand and have a good grasp of follows . You can help them get to grips with these things through thought word and deed and your own behaviour

What has happened and why and what it means to their lives

It is not their fault in any way shape of form

They have not been abandoned

That they are loved and valued

Even though you love the child the divorce is between mother and father

Mum is Mum and Dad is Dad NOTHING can change that

Mum and Dad are their parents and all that that entails
You are still a team

They still have a family it is just a different shape