Contact and Visitation Rights for 8 month old baby

I have a gorgeous 8 month old baby boy who lives with me. His father and I had been together for 4 years, but had split up and were not properly together when I got pregnant and he did not want me to keep the baby. I later found out he was seeing someone else and although we got back together, it was never going to work as he was still seeing this other girl and I left him when the baby was 3 months old.
He has always stayed in contact (we only live 10 miles apart) and he has seen the baby on a very regular basis as his mother looks after the baby most days while I am at work.
Things have recently got a little nasty between us over money (house and credit card) issues and maintenance and he has suggested we try mediation to resolve our issues, which I am happy to do.
What I want to know is what is a reasonable amount of contact for him to have with the baby? He sees him on average for at least 2 days per week (Mon-Fri) while I am at work and although he is looked after at his mother's house, he does most of the looking after while he is there.
He is now talking about having him overnight, which I am not happy about as although he is good at sleeping through the night, I'm not sure about him sleeping in a strange house with someone who is a relative stranger to him. I also don't see the point as we live so near he can see him during the day. All the baby does at night is sleep.
The baby is not being breastfed any more and the baby's father is perfectly capable of looking after him adequately so I have no concerns there. Although he doesn't see that he needs to tell me what he is doing with the baby while he has him. He recently took him swimming without telling me first, which I was not very happy about.
He is named on the birth certificate (because he bullied me into including his name even though I didn't want it on there) and he has his surname. I regret both of these things.
I get the feeling that he is just trying to be difficult as I have recently contacted the CSA to get the correct amount of maintenance from him as he is very bullying and intimidating and I don't feel comfortable discussing such matters with him face to face.
I'm sorry for the rambling post, but I'm really in a muddle as I want him to be involved in the baby's life, but I want it to be on my terms as he has been so controlling of me over the past 6 years and I really feel I know what is best for the baby and he is just guessing.

Categories:

Contact / Financial Arrangements

Well done you so much of

Submitted by kate on Sun, 2010-08-22 07:07.

Well done you so much of this is great Mum and Dad live near each other and are both involved in bringing up your baby and this is great and I think the hard and true fact you are going to have to digest is that your baby is both of yours, he needs both of you and both of you are equally important in bringing the baby up , just in different ways . So the parenting that you have to do is not on your terms not on Dads terms but on terms that you have agreed together and this is the best way of keeping both parents involved and working together. If I were you and wanted to really keep my hand on the rudder if I felt like I was being controlled I would lead the co parenting mission. Print of the forms in the section of the website and suggest looking at them he can do one on his own and you can this gives you I think the upper hand and will find a way of working this through over the next 18 years.

What I hope you realise is that as your baby grows up into a toddler , child and teenager is that the relationship with both parents is good and positive . It is hard I know but if you stand back as I have done as someone who knows neither of you and digest what you have written , I see a Dad who is doing a lot , in fact maybe it feels to you like too much and you don’t want to lose your baby , you won’t . If I were you I would have a long hard chat with myself and try and find a way to bend. I truly believe that the whole I have thought about this and want to find a way of working together so what about this gives you so much control , rather than retreating into the bunker and saying no no no

Dad and his Mum look after the baby regularly. The perceived wisdom is that babys needs lots of regular contact I don’t personally think nights matter so long as the babys routine , bedclothes and breakfast and so on are familiar

The baby will have to go overnight as some point so why not start while he is sleeping well. Maybe start him in a Travel cot at home with his favourite toys, blankets , mobiles etc and then move that to Dads or his mothers house. Dad is not a relative stranger

And then you can relax , you can go out , you can have a really good long sleep , you can have a lie in etc etc etc

I think that you need to really believe that Dad matters , I can tell you that I am blue in the face that he does , I think it is right that he is on the birth certificate , think of it from your sons point of view , put yourself in his position when he has to show it to a football club , to the school when he gets married which would you rather have a name or a blank ?? not sure I would have done the surname thing though and as far as swimming goes you have to ask yourself would you have asked Dad if you wanted to take him ??

I suspect this isn’t what you want to hear but I do mean it kindly your son needs his Mum and his Dad and he needs them working together, he has got both of you this is great but he is a baby and it is up to the adults to find a way of working together giving and taking and coming up with some terms that they both keep to and do everything possible to avoid a battle ground where the baby is used as ammo.

Why not go to the library and get out our book and then give it to Dad what it really trys to do is to make parents realise that in order to raise happy , balanced kids they need to put them at the centre of all decisions and that the best way to feel good about yourself is to do the right thing and what I have learned from my own situation is that the more I give , and suggest the more I get and the happier the children are , they just hate any form of aggro and can pick it up from the day they are born