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dad not allowed to see children causing distress

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Hi - I am new to this site and stumbled on it whilst looking for help and support fro my daughter I am hoping someone here has some advice/ideas of what I should do next as I am at my wits end and don't know whether I have done/am doing the right thing for my children.

I'll try to very briefly summarise my story: My husband left 3 years ago when my daughter was 4 and my son was 7 months old. It was a difficult split (he was having an affair and had also started becoming very aggressive towards me and our daughter....) I did my best to facilitate contact between the children and their dad, particularly my little girl who was very close to her daddy. It was difficult as he had a breakdown and was sectioned quite soon after leaving us...and because there had been mental health concerns and violence, I would not let him see the children on his own or take them out etc. So for about 6 months I informally 'supervised' contact in my home or out at the park etc. I did my best to ensure there was structure and consistency and hid my own feelings about everything for the benefit/best interests of the children. Slowly, I allowed him to take my daughter out at weekends and this progressed to him having her overnight when he eventually got his own place. I was never 100% sure about this.

Anyway to cut a very long and distressing story short, my daughter then disclosed sexual abuse to me and then followed an agonising 6 months involving social services, a police investigation and awaiting an outcome. I stopped contact with him immediately after the disclosure and explained what was happening to my daughter, as best I could, reassuring her all the while that she had been right to tell me, that it was not her fault and that daddy's behaviour was wrong (I have never once demonised him as a person to her, as she adores him and still does). The police were very upfront with me and told me it was nearly always impossible to prove such allegations and he was never charged in the end. I relunctantly let my daughter see him again under my close supervision in a public place, as she was so distressed about not seeing him ..but after 4 weeks her behaviour was so aggressive and distressing that I took the decision to stop him seeing them altogether. I have been very consistent in explaining to her why this is and that I am keeping her safe etc, but she is so desperate to see him again and is becoming so depressed and upset. I don't know whether I am doing the right thing or not. There seems to be no or guidance for a mum in my position - or any school of thought about whether a child should see an abusing father

Can anyone help me - I cannot bear to see my child's distress any longer:(

‹ My son not allowed to see his children Tears when leaving my daughter ›
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You are in such a difficult

Submitted by patrick on Tue, 2009-07-14 19:21.

You are in such a difficult predicament with feelings of being overwhelmed, having all the control and not knowing which way to turn. At all times thinking about your daughter.

If i was in your situation, I would want the control and decision making taken away from me, allowing others to make the decision for you. Taking into account the allegations and what is in the best interest of the child.

I would therefore speak to a solicitor and have a hearing at a family court and request a CAFCASS assessment. The end result may be that your daughter may see her father but in a contact centre.

Hello,  I feel your

Submitted by emily on Wed, 2009-07-08 07:19.

Hello,  I feel your heartbreak and worry and I'm not sure I know the answer - I'm not even sure there is a right answer.  So this reply is what I think I'd do if I was in your positiion.  Kate and I ran a workshop awhile ago that a child psychotherapist gave for us about mothers bringing up sons on there own.,  Now the subject isn't related to you, but one of the mothers was asking whether it was worth her son seeing his dad as it was only once a year as he lived in the USA.  The answer was 'yes' he should see him as there is evidence that even if you are born as a result of violance like rape, the child still wants to know their dad, ie the need to know your parents runs very very deep.  However your daughter has been abused and of course she can't be put in danger again.... but she wants to see him.  I too would be thinking about stil letting her see her father as she seems to want to, but first I;d see my GP and get her seen as a matter of urgency by a child psychotherapist who specialises in seeing children in similar situations.  I'd want her helped to understand her emotions and the reasons for her distress, and to make sure that seeing her dad is the right thing for her and will lead to healthy emotional development.  I think you need expert advice on how best to do this so your daughter grows up as well balanced and emotionally strong as possible, and it may be that seeing her dad with you supervising is the best way forward - I'd just get it checked.  I wish you so much luck and am thinking of you both, Emily