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Do I contact his father again

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I have a four month old son who has no contact with his father. We had been together for 7 months before I fell pregnant (not planned) and split up shortly after. Since having my baby he has ignored two attempts at contact and has told a friend he does not wish to see our son.

Since having my son I have found out that he has a daughter one year older than my son whom he doesn't have any contact with and I have just heard that he married someone last weekend (not the mother of his other child).

He is disputing being the father and has written a letter objecting to paying child support.

For my son's sake I would like him to know his father, but I am not sure how or if to broach the subject again with him or to show that I am not suggesting this for child support purposes as a trap - as I will be persuing financial support regardless.

I also need to move on for my own sanity and am finding it destructive to my own mental health constantly ruminating on what to do for the best.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

D

‹ Absent Dad for 28 years, I need help Support group for children as well as mums ›
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Hi Deeh. I have a 2 year old

Submitted by Jenny J on Thu, 2009-08-27 19:39.

Hi Deeh. I have a 2 year old son whos dad has no contact with him.When my son was born he saw him a few times a month until he was around 6 months old, when suddenly he didnt want to see him anymore. He has never payed a penny in maintenance. Babies are so expensive that I had to go to the CSA to try and make him pay, he then disappeared without a trace. I know how you must have felt when your ex disputed being the father. When i was pregnant my ex said asked me 'is it mine?'. It was so degrading and insulting. He never really doubted that he was the father, was simply trying to wriggle out of the responsibility (and expense!) of being a parent and i expect your ex had the same motives. The best advice i can think of is to offer to prove his paternity. I did this and he never tried to dispute being his father again.

Thanks Kate, I really

Submitted by DeeH on Thu, 2009-06-11 13:46.

Thanks Kate, I really appreciate the feedback and will be following your advice.

D

 A woman after my own heart

Submitted by kate on Tue, 2009-06-09 10:18.

 A woman after my own heart in search of a plan .

If it were me I would  need a plan of action for your own sanity , to move on and so that you know that you are doing the right things for your son.

In my mind it would go something like this

I would let him know , maybe via a letter , email or his mother or other relative .

That

1 He is your sons father , and that you are very happy to prove this and that you think that he is important to your son , and that you would like your son to have a good opinion and view of his father . .. puff him up and make him realise the truth ..... that he will  matter very much to your son the boy , adolescent and man .

2 You have no intention of getting in the way of that relationship and as such will keep channels open with Dad until your son is old enough to do it himself. This is good for your relationship with your son , as you are demonstrably doing all you can . You willnot badnouth him etc etc

3 The way you keep channels open is up to you , but I would probably send a 6 monthly update and a photo to your sons father , and always make sure he has a way of contacting you

4 Make it clear that he will always be welcome to contact his son via you

5 Let him know that you will be seeking financial support form him , but this is a totally separate issiue to him having a relationship with his son . As I am sure you realise you don't buy access to children nor do you punish them by withdrawing access to father because Dad is not paying.

then once you have done read the article on the home page  , make sure you have some information on Dad for your son , this is all in this months article so you can flesh out a real person and then go easy on yourself knowing that you have done the right thing , hopefully he will thaw over time and although this may be difficult for you it will be good for your son .

That is what I would do , in a rather calm and non emotional way , the new marriage the other child are not part of the equation this is all about your son and his Dad , do the updates , expect nothing and who knows you may well be suprised .

Kate