Kate & Emily

I can only agree with kate about seeingif there's a way through this and a way of stayng together even as friends if not as lovers? As Kate says I split up for similar reasons. At the time I thought it'd settle down within a year and we'd all be used to this new situation and that my ex and i would end up friends. Neither is strictly true - there is always something to tackle which comes as a result of you splitting up, from comforting children who cry wishing you were still together and asking why you can't be, to helping them adjust to new partners which is never plan sailing! It's hard for everyone and impossible I think to still be friends with someone who has hurt you / you have hurt/ you no longer have any joint experiences with / live seperately from and have no influence over how they live / the decisions they make etc.. You can be friendly at one level - but you won't be friends in the real sense. I heard a very similar story to yours a few years back, with both parents determined to remain friends, just didn;t love each other in the 'right' way. They sold their house, she moved to a smaller one, he rented and then spent alot of time round with her and they realised that live was harder and more lonely without each other. They found a way to be back together and they're now back after about 6 months apart and happier.

Neither you nor your husband will be happy being single parents if you have ANY regrets - in years to come you both have to be able to say hand on heart that your relationship was irretrievable - and by iretrievable I mean you were completly unable to life together in any sort of harmony. Which isn't the same as saying your love has changed but you're still great friends.

Lots and lots of luck,

Emily

Hi

Before I launch in .............are you sure that there is nothing that can't be done ??? Counselling , taking a break . I am at a loss all I do know is that a huge group of people (leavers and leavees) wish it had not happened. You get on well are amazing friends , love each other in one way , maybe not made crazed passion but that goes for many people .To say it wouldbe a shame if your family broke up because of a mid life crisis would be an understatment. I would love to write a new book called 'must try harder' because what we have found is that yes everything can be fine for the children with a lot of work and effort and great good will . But it is hard , there are huge lows and hiccoughs and these go on for a very very long time .So many people do ask themselves was it worth it ? and time and time again we hear people wondering ifthey should have tried harder. so please please do try everything you can think of and make sure this relationship is not salvageable , because everything is about to change big time , and it is hard to stay great friends with someone who has delivered such a blow and distress to you and more particularly your children and cast the family off because he did not feel mad passion.

Anyhow back to your question . When talking to the children you must give them
A version of the truth
Make sure they do not apportion blame i.e. Dad is the bad guy
Make sure THEY do not feel unloved or abanndonned.

Here is a excerpt from our book where Emily describes exactly what She and her husband told their children, who were about five and four at the time, that ‘there are two types of love: one that a mummy and a daddy have for their children, which never, never stops even when they’re cross, and even when they’re very old. Then there’s another type of love between grown-ups and that sort of love you hope will last for ever, and sometimes it does and sometimes it just doesn’t and it stops. And when it stops it’s very very sad and means that people can’t live happily together anymore, and that makes them and their children sad. So it’s better for everyone if mummy and daddy live in different houses.’ It’s basic, but the good thing Emily’s found is that, because it’s true and did reflect what was going on, this explanation still works for them, it has just become a little more sophisticated and been explained in more detail as they have got older.

Hope that helps

Good luck

Kate