Kate & Emily

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I’ve been watching How to Divorce Without Screwing up the Children’ on Channel 4 with pen and paper in hand gleaning words of wisdom from the American divorce coach, the divorcing parents and the children. The story I want to focus on is the one about the victim, he left her and she’s being as good as she can be. Or at least she thinks she is….. She is struggling to know how to make things better for her children with a father that has moved abroad and lives with a new girlfriend. Her dreams are shattered and so it seems are her children’s. She feels she’s doing all she can: she loves and hugs her son when he’s sad about missing his Dad, she won’t force her daughter to go to see him if it makes her miserable. She spends time with her daughter riding and it’s fun and easy as it’s a shared passion. The son, well that’s harder he’s a boy and needs his Dad… You couldn’t help feeling enormous sympathy for her, she doesn’t seem to have a nasty bone in her body and is being a very saintly type of victim – no apparent vitriol here, just lots of sadness about what could have been and how the present isn't good enough for the children. But then we hear something that rings horribly true: ‘your ex might not be the father you want him to be, but he could be a father to the children in a way that they can accept and understand. ‘ So the victim has to drop her dreams of how it should be, and work on building something new that the children will like. And, what’s more, it’s in this victim’s power to do it! Yes – she does have power and influence and it’s time to shake off the comfy, safe victim role and for her to get stuck in. So, first to the son and his lack of quality time with Dad… The mother was reminded that it isn’t just a father’s time and attention that a son needs, he needs the mother’s as well. It’s important that she spends some time just with him, doing things he’d like to do. Mothers can get into a boy’s world too, not just fathers. Play football, visit an army museum, make Lego models, go to the skate park, watch a match etc.. Then they began to get to the bottom of why the daughter didn’t like going to see her Dad. Much of it was that she was protecting her Mum and felt she needed to look after her. The mother was told to let the children know that she didn’t need them emotionally, and that it’s OK for them to go to their Dad’s for the weekend and that she’s OK about his girlfriend. Tell them you’ll be fine on your own and will have a nice time, so they should go and have a nice time too. 60% of fathers don’t have any contact with their children 2 years after divorce. Don’t let this happen to your children. The mother was told the importance of encouraging them to go and see their Dad. She was told to talk freely about his girlfriend, show that you are OK about it, that there are no hard feelings. Then your children will feel happy about going and won’t feel like they’re betraying you. The message: Stop being a victim and take action: you can have a very positive influence on your children’s happiness