Kate & Emily

If the link to the worksheet doesn't work use the left hand menu - select 'the ex factor' and you'll find the worksheet you  need in there.  Re the ex wife - I don't think this is a text conversation!!  I suggested calling her to ask for the dad's contact details as a last resort as actually this is somehting for you and the dad to work out.  It sounds as if you can track him down at work through google etc so do that, find him and talk to him.  He will need to talk to his ex wife about all of his children meeting up opne day - that news HAS to come from him, not from you or from the mother.  Your job is to tell your daughter about her dad and your part of the story.  It is the dad's job  / decision to tell his other children about your daughter, which he should talk to the mother about before he does so they can make it as easy as possible for the children as it may not be good news to them right now.  This is an area that is out of your, and the e-wife's control / remit.  So for now focus on the most importnat thing which is your daughter finding her dad.  The half-sibling bit may follwo but it will be down to the dad to decide that.  Good luck!

Thanks a million Emily, you have settled some of my fears about having to contact his ex wifes house as a last resort. I do still fear the phonecall though but i think its something i will have to overcome in order to try and make contact for my daughters sake. Since i posted my comment last night i have been going through all old mobiles i have found what i think is his ex wifes mobile number which i saved for some unknown reason from the one phonecall she made to me. Do you think a text asking for his number would be the wrong thing to do? I would love to be able to give his ex wife my contact number to hang onto in the eventuality that my daughters half brother and sister would want to meet when they are older but at this point it feels like a distant dream. No I dont have his present address and dont think i will be able to find without his ex wifes help. I have also found a few pieces about him and his work on google, i just now have to try and get a contact number for him there. I am really grateful for your help, i cant seem to access the link to the worksheet :(

Hmm what would I do?  I'd ring his old home number and ask to speak to him, you might get given a new number or address?  I really really don't know if you're right that it owuld be out of order to tell his ex wife if that helps your child  and her half brothers / sisters to know of each other (they don;t have to meet and you and the mother  would control how or what all the children know but it might be that when they're older they want to meet?  I really don;t know baout this, but if Kate and I really believe that a child knowing their roots and family is vital to their well being then I have a feeling I have to say that as a last resort speaking to the mum is OK.  Just be kind, no threats, no pushing just really simply telling of your daughter's existance and giving your contact details for her to give to her children (possibly) one day, and for her to give you the dad's contact details.  It's not stalking or harrassement.  Or do you know the dad's home address too?  If you do write instead of phone and send the letter addressed to him there and hope that it gets forwarded on to him.  I'd try every avenue you can to track him down and then write as Kate suggests.  Meanwhile you're going to have tell your daughter all you know about him, how you met, what he was like, things you did, characteristics that she shares with him etc.  Have a look at this worksheet http://www.kateandemily.com/helping-your-children-get-know-their-absent-dad as it will help you think of all the things you can tell your daughter.   Good luck Emily

Thanks Kate. As far as I know he is now divorced from his wife and they have 2 kids together and I definately do not want to cause any more hurt and pain on either side by making contact with him. I can carry on as a single mum but its for my daughter that i am trying to make contact with him. I have made several attempts to contact him, as i live in ireland and he is in the UK i am finding it increasingly difficult to get anywhere in relation to finding a mobile number or address, I was very much in his life at the time but he also kept me at a good distance so I never met any of his friends and the work number that I had for him no longer exists,I did find him on facebook at one stage but he seems to have blocked me, the only number I have is for the family home he shared with his wife but have no intention of using it, it would be completely unfair to get her involved and it would be out of order anyway. On the other hand i have a 7 year old daughter who no longer accepts me side stepping answers and wants to know who her daddy is, so what is fair. She has also starting coming home from school with pictures of herself mummy and daddy, i have tried my hardest to discourage it but she tells me its a picture for when she meets daddy which is really heartbreaking, how do you tell a 7 year old that she may not meet daddy? I fear that he thinks money may be the issue which is definately not the case, as i have worked hard and put myself through uni, which wasnt easy with a young baby, to get where i am today and secured a very good job, I just seem to be stuck in a rut and getting nowhere and i am really hurt that i cannot give my daughter the answers she is looking for ! I know that if i dont draw a line under this now that she will never know where she stands. Sorry its all so confusing :(

Hi

Over the years we have heard many tales and although each one feels so different we feel we are now experts at wading through the woods to the nub of the issue. In your case you have a child with an ex partner who appears to be trying to move on by sort of drawing a line under your relationship believing it best for everyone , himself , his family etc etc .

That may be true but the one person it is most certainly not good for is your child and it is misguided to cut and run believing that what they don't know they won't miss.

So what you must try and do in this case is to put yourself in your childs place , now and in the future , and help reestablish contact however tenuous , in a rather canny way. When i say canny I mean tread very carefully . i assume your ex has another family , wife etc and in which case integration as you want it may not happen, your child may be a secret and if this is the case then yes it needs unearthing but i think the best thing you can do is to encourage your ex to acknowledge the child and play a distant role , which may become closer as time goes on. It is easy to hide from children not so easy to hide from a a teenager banging on your door. Get onto the bbciplayer bbc3 and watch Alesha Dixons documentary about absent dads , parts of it are not that great but it does demonstrate how much children mind.

When you are clear about this , write a letter completely about the child and the reasons behind your thinking , why you want her to know him , or if not know who he is and something about him . Keep all emotion about you and him out of it , keep all history out of it , make it business like , sensible , calm etc etc do not bully , make him feel guilty , but make it easy for him to respond

I am sure you can get this letter to him  presumably you know his work place , friends , address , even if not personally think about how you can get to him , I can track most people down using the interent etc etc .

If you get a flat negative response if you draw a blank then have a look at our article on absent dads which will help you to create an idea for your child of what dad is like

All the best

Kate

Hi

Over the years we have heard many tales and although each one feels so different we feel we are now experts at wading through the woods to the nub of the issue. In your case you have a child with an ex partner who appears to be trying to move on by sort of drawing a line under your relationship believing it best for everyone , himself , his family etc etc .

That may be true but the one person it is most certainly not good for is your child and it is misguided to cut and run believing that what they don't know they won't miss.

So what you must try and do in this case is to put yourself in your childs place , now and in the future , and help reestablish contact however tenuous , in a rather canny way. When i say canny I mean tread very carefully . i assume your ex has another family , wife etc and in which case integration as you want it may not happen, your child may be a secret and if this is the case then yes it needs unearthing but i think the best thing you can do is to encourage your ex to acknowledge the child and play a distant role , which may become closer as time goes on. It is easy to hide from children not so easy to hide from a a teenager banging on your door. Get onto the bbciplayer bbc3 and watch Alesha Dixons documentary about absent dads , parts of it are not that great but it does demonstrate how much children mind.

When you are clear about this , write a letter completely about the child and the reasons behind your thinking , why you want her to know him , or if not know who he is and something about him . Keep all emotion about you and him out of it , keep all history out of it , make it business like , sensible , calm etc etc do not bully , make him feel guilty , but make it easy for him to respond

I am sure you can get this letter to him  presumably you know his work place , friends , address , even if not personally think about how you can get to him , I can track most people down using the interent etc etc .

If you get a flat negative response if you draw a blank then have a look at our article on absent dads which will help you to create an idea for your child of what dad is like

All the best

Kate