Kate & Emily

Dear tired lone parent

Therein lies some of the answer, you are tried!! You are at a tricky phase and you must get sleep, nurture yourself baths, treats whatever gets the bible out and read the you section.

You may think that is a ridiculous thing to say but when I read your letter and distill the contents this is what I understand. You were in a relationship that was failing and was so toxic that you ended it after much time and consideration because it was not a good for your son or both of you two. So in a mature fashion you decided to separate and bring up your child together but living apart.
Do remember all of that , because you seem to be furious that your ex has moved on too quickly and you are awash with negative emotions . Whilst it is obvious to understand why your nose might be out of joint or you may feel as though you have been easily replaced , it is less easy to understand the strength of your feelings.

Your ex has a new girlfriend, is this such a huge shock to you? Men often don’t like to be on their own as they tend to lack the female style support and social network whatever happens they will often leap into the arms of someone. Your relationship failed and by the sounds of it was failing for a long time , so surely for him to move on isn’t that much of a surprise. Are you a bit dare I say green eyed about it all, he can move on whilst you don't feel you can yet , so why should he ?

This relationship he has may last it may not and until it has legs then there is no need for your son to be involved. I do agree with that part of your issue. Children often badly want to believe that parents will get back together and new partners rather puts the kibosh on that one and can be very upsetting .This is no picnic for children and one day they all realise that that is not going to happen and this is one of the reasons that they are often allergic to new partners. So the whole introduction of new partners should be done carefully and gently and at one step behind the pace of the relationship itself.

But I do wonder if your son is picking up some of your feelings, realises that you are extremely upset by this issue and this is compounding and adding to his feelings of confusion and desire to protect you. It is a shame that this conversation happened in front of your son as you could have gathered yourself and thought about how you were going to deal with it, before taking on the worries of your child

That may sound harsh but do please think about this as it is important that he doesn’t develop a negative view of his father. Yes you are doing the running to make the co parenting work and it sounds as though you have been really successful so far, but do try to keep it going .It may not feel fair and it is often the case that one parent is more pro active than the other but that does not negate the benefit and the motivation to make co parenting work for the sake of your son.

If things have become toxic, you may need to communicate in a non confrontational way such as email and then at handover have a friend over, but I really think that you also need to communicate to your ex that you are finding this hard to deal with and can he give you a bit of space and time and not push too hard.

Your confusing feelings are a very real problem and whilst most certainly valid do beware that things can spiral out of hand with for example the new girlfriend turned into the villain and all the good work you have done encouraging and developing a good working relationship for everyone’s benefit.

With regard to your son try and get things back to normal with lots of reassuring talk

Dad is still Dad
Dad loves you
Dad will still come to see you
You will still do stuff with Dad
Dad had got a girlfriend, yes everyone needs friends
Adults need other adults for friends .... (maybe you will want a new partner one day ?)
You are the most important person to me and Dad and you come first
'I know it may worry you but I am sure she is nice, it may work out it may not......'

This type of talk ... i.e. general, go vague and gentle about it all, ‘you may meet up for a walk, a drink it will be fine, we can cross that bridge soon ‘. I am sure you are not but keep dramatics out of it and the subject something he can talk about.

Because as terrible as you feel, how insensitive your ex may have been, how badly he communciated the news, how quick to form a new realationship and so on I am afraid that from what you write Dad has done nothing wrong,. you were separated , he went out , met somone and has started goingout with her .Certainly in your sons eyes he should not be interpreting from you and your reaction that Dad has 1) done something very wrong and that 2)he is upsetting you and means 3)an end to Mum and Dad . The last point is true the first and second simply do not need to and should not be on his shoulders.

I do understand how you feel , I really do and I am sure many people do but your emotions have to be dealt with away from your son , write it down ,go running ,go for a drink with a very close friend someone who is going to make you think about everything rather than egging you on

Good Luck, I am sure Emily has wise words to chip in

All the best and thank you for your kind words

Kate