Kate & Emily

I'm not sure I've got anything helpful to add other than I agree with Kate - firstly with her reaction to the line about your ex forgoing his rights to be a parent as that is red rag to a bull to both of us, and perhaps its this that means we've being insensitive to the painful truths that lead to mothers like you (who clearly have your child's best interests at heart) to make such statements about dads loosing the right to parent.

I also agree with Kate's apology and her encouragement to build a picture of dad for your daughter, to give him colour and character - which I know is a hard ask when he is being a truly useless parent.

I really wish you luck with college and building a life for you and your daughter that brings both of you fulfillment, and allows you to be in such a good place that the unfairness of your ex's position can wash over you more and not bring you down. I'm thinking of you 2 being like a castle with thick walls that his bows and arrows can't hurt - though to push the analogy to the max - please continue to ask him to visit and let down the drawbridge for him if he ever does!.

Good luck with it all, Emily

I am so sorry to have upset you , but the line in your reply to Emily where you wrote 'I think if a 'father' decides to ignore his parental responsibilities then he should also lose his parental rights' stuck out to me like a sore thumb to me. I can see that my repsonse was a bit black and white and was by no means meant to suggest that you were not doing the right think by your daughter but to highlight what is to us one of our core prinicples and that is the childs right to both parents (so long as it is safe ) whatever they have done and to avoid the crossfire from the fall out of their relationship. I can see that to maintain contact with someone who wants nothing to do with your daughter must be very hard but if you can keep lines of communciation open in any way that would be wonderful for the future and if not create an image for your daughter while you can remeber.Photos , contact details , cards , details of him ,good memories , stories, things of his you have and so on . Talking about him , creating contact with his extended family are all good ways of turning soemone who your child doesn't know into a real person . At the end of the day she only has one Dad , he is it and it is really for the best if she can have some idea of who he is .

looking at the big picture and taking detail out can help to see things more clearly. I hope Emily will butt in and once again sorry to have rattled you at a difficult time in your life . It sounds like you have a great little girl and you are doing a wonderful job. Your ex sounds totally exasperating the trouble is he is Dad .

All the very best

Kate

I don't believe you read my post correctly - I am not cutting him out of her life, he is cutting himself out. He is choosing not to see her, to not contact her, to emigrate, to stop financial support, to give no point of contact. What if for some medical reason he were needed....

He himself is the one punishing his daughter!!!

If he were to ask to visit as he has in the past on two occasions I have said yes, he did not show! I have lost count the amount of times I have phoned to ask him if he will keep in contact with her so there is a bond between them. I would never stop access, but I disagree that I need his permission to visit my family abroad for more than 28 days!

I am actually quite annoyed with your comments as they suggest I am in someway depriving my daughter of something i have no control over!

She has asked about him, I told her she has a daddy but he doesnt live with us, she asked why he didnt want to see her, I told her I didnt know because if he knew what a beautiful loving funny little girl she was he would want to spend every minute of every daay with her like her mummy does.

Yes but does your child lose the right to have a father???. Your childs perspective now and in the future I am afraid is the crux . By cuttting Dad out of your childs life and universe because of his admittedly poor behaviour may just punish most the one person who deserves it least.

Kate

Thank you

I see where you are coming from on the work front - I worked from leaving college right up to falling pregnant with my daughter when I was sacked for being pregnant! (yes it went to court) and I do miss the banter.

I do however find it disgusting that he can cut contact for so long, try to emigrate without me finding out and not give a contact number or address and tell his solicitor that he is thinking of cutting all financial support yet I need his permission to change her name or take her out of the uk for more than 28 days!!!

I think if a 'father' decides to ignore his parental responsibilities then he should also lose his parental rights.

Hello, I'm not sure I can help you with number 1. Other than to say that there will be some days when you wonder why you do it for £20 as it's all too hard to manage, BUT they'll also be other days when you'd do it for the same money because your work has distracted you from worries you left at home, made you laugh with colleagues, made oyu feel respected and valued for being 'you' and you've had soemone say 'well done, good work' which you NEVER hear form your child for a good bit of parenting! A long winded way to say don't underestimate the non-financial benefits of working as they're not to be sniffed at!

Point 2 I'm no good on either, but then I think you're probably asking about the logistics of getting financial support when they're aborad as he doesn't seem to ahve any relationship with his daughter at the moment?

The only thing I would say is that you need to make sure you have all his contact details and that he keeps them up to date if he moves etc. Perhaps he'd do that through a solicitor if it can;t be done between you? The reason being is that your daughter will always want to know her dad and is very likely as she gets older to want to now more and more, and possibly even find him.

Point 3 I know a little about as I chnaged my name back to my maiden name. You do it by deed poll on line there's alink on this site and it's incredibly easy. I chnaged mine and kept the children;s the same so we're a 2 surname house. It feels perfectly natural to all of us and not at all odd. I identify very strongly with my maiden name and feel that 'emily abbott' is the real me - ie the child that became an adult. It's so much part of my identity that I wouldn't dream of changing the children's whatever the situation becuase that is them, that's their root and how they came in to the world and I don't think that can be denied whatever the subseuant history has been. It's your daughter's identity not yours and she's bound to feel a whole heap warmer to her dad than you simply because he's her dad. I strongly belief that it's a decision only your daughter can make when she's 16 or 18 or whatever the legal age requirement is.

Good luck with it all and your studies - keep your eye on the long game!

Emily