How well do I expect my ex to behave? Setting realisitc expectations

How well do I expect their dad / mum to behave? Setting realisitc expectations of how each of you will behave

No unrealistic demands, or overly high expectations like ‘they’ll never be late (or early!) to get the children, and they’ll be charm personified at all times’.

Be sensible here! Make a list of your expectations, and then re-read each one matching it with how you’ll behave and, if you can’t match the expectation, moderate it. For example…

MY EXPECTATIONS OF THEIR MUM / DAD ARE...	I’LL DO THIS (so this is really how I can expect him to behave)
To be punctual	I’ll be as punctual as I can, but I’ll always tell them if I’m held up and leave a key with a neighbour so they’ll always be able to get in.
To stick to what we’ve agreed about weekends	I’ll stick to our agreed arrangements, but if something comes up like a family reunion I’ll let them know as soon as I do and ask to swap weekends. I won’t give them less than a month’s notice
To put the children first	I’ll put the children first and always have this in my mind when I’m dealing with my ex and making arrangements
Spending their holiday time with the children	I know the children love holidays and seeing their mum / dad so I’ll let them have them whenever they can in the holidays. I accept that my ex might not want to spend all of their holiday time with them though
To be friendly to me	I’ll be friendly towards them, in that I’ll always ask how they are and what’s up. I don’t expect to be more friendly than that really
To phone me to initiate discussions about the children	I’ll let them know key school dates and prompt them to organise dates for meeting up to talk about the children. I’ll leave it there though – they’ll need to get back with dates, for more details etc..
Not to criticise my parenting / To accept my way of parenting	I won’t criticise their parenting or undermine them, or mock their parenting in front of the children. I know s/he has a different style to me and that’s fine. I’ll try to help him / her by telling them what I’ve learnt about the children, any tricks etc . I’ll only offer this advice if they want me to – I won’t interfere
To acknowledge me and my feelings	I know we upset each other so it’s hard being ‘friends’, I know that’s why we can be short with each other or brusque. I will not let myself show my irritation or anger
To tell me their plans about work etc	I’ll only tell him / her about my plans that affect the children, like childcare arrangements, how much I’m working, having a new partner. I expect them to tell me about any of their plans that’ll have an impact on the children like moving to a new home, travelling more for work, getting a new partner
To tell me if he’s going to the same parties as me	If mutual friends are having a party or getting married I’ll tell them I’m going, and if I’m taking someone with me. I expect them to do the same.
Not to bad-mouth me to friends	I won’t be rude about them to friends, or criticise and I won’t tell anyone their news, or expect friends to pass it on. They’ll not be a subject for discussion (except with my best friend! Everyone needs one person only to tell!!)
Not to flaunt new girlfriends or girlfriends in front of me	I’ll tell them if my partner is going to be at around when they are. I won’t force them on each other, or show-off and rub it in when I see them by draping myself all over my new squeeze like a cheap suit!

Keeping your expectations sensible

Our top tip to stop you judging their mum or dad too harshly and for keeping your expectations under control is this:

Pretend you’re judging your own parent’s behaviour towards you, rather than judging your ex’s. For example, if your ex hadn’t phoned the children for 3 days, and you find yourself saying: ‘they’ve forgotten them and don’t care anymore’, think what your reaction would be if it was your Mum or Dad who had behaved like that. You’d probably pick up the phone yourself and call them (so why not ring your ex for the children?), or you’d remember that your parents were busy, or you’d told them that you were out and about for most of the week. You certainly wouldn't write them off as being uncaring!