Kate & Emily

It sounds as if you've been doing the best you can for him and your children and the way you explain it to them sounds great.  Even though your daughter cried and was uncomfortable you were right to have the conversation and I think you probably need to revisit it every now and then so she has a chance to tell you what she feels.  Re councellor - how about talking to school and see how they find her at school, if she seems unsettled there or is not her usual self then that might encourage you to explore it?  Or ask your GP what they think?  I can;t really advise as only you know if she'd benefit from professional help trying to deal with it.   It might be that you'd benefit from the support to keep you strong as you help them?  What about family therapy so you and the children all go?  I don't know much about it but you could research that?  Please don't give up on your ex as a dad, keep at it!  How about thinking of ways of managing your children's expectations better so they don't get let down?  Could you not pass on the message from dad to say that he's coming round on x just in case he doesn;t or is that not practical?  Could you get them to phone him for a chat every now and then, insttead of waiting for him to call them?  I'm so pleased that you say he's a good man and compassionate - it must be hard to remember that when you're coping with everything that you are so well done for holding on to that, you really are doing the best you can for your children if you continue to.  Good luck Emily

Hi,

Thanks for the comments. I have been trying very hard to be cordial with my children's dad. But it seems that I was the one who has been "pushing" him to spend time with his kids. I understand the alcoholism is a selfish disease, which is why I tried my best to make things work. There were times when he chose not to come around for long periods of time & I would call him to ask what was going on. I truly want him to be a part of their lives but he's not making any effort to support that & really I'm tired of chasing him to spend time with his kids. We've had plenty of conversations concerning our children, but he is just not emotionally capable or mature to follow through & it hurts to see my kids hurt when they are impacted by his "broken promises." Even through that, I tell him how wonderful of a dad he is, just so he won't forget that, but it doesn't seem to be helping anymore. I asked him politely not to come to our home in an intoxicated state and/or at ridiculous hours (2AM in one instance), but he seems to take the information the wrong way. I guess my next step is to continue doing what's best for our children and hope & pray that one day he can face reality and accept his responsibility as a father. It hurts very much though when I see my children hurting and that I have to continually tell them that "their father is sick and has problems that cause him to make hurtful decisions. His decisions don't mean he doesn't love you, your dad will always love you, but he needs to get better so that he can be the wonderful father you want him to be.Just remember, none of this is your fault." Do you think I should get my children into counselling? I had a conversation with my girl (6) last night and she didn't want to talk about it, she just burst into tears and she was very uncomfortable about the subject. She said "I wish that you and dad could be back together but I know that won't happen" Then I explained to her that mommmy and daddy weren't happy together & we both decided to seperate. Please remember that we'll always be a family my girl, just a family apart and right now your dad needs time to work on himself, and although you rarely see him, I'm sure he thinks of you and misses you too." Gosh, to be honest, he was causing more stress when he's visit because he's was only there to visit me and try persuade me to react to his stories..but I will continue to pray that he will accept this situation and rebuild the relationship with his children. He's a really good person, a good father and very compassionate and it hurts me to see him give up like this, but I have every hope that he will eventually regain control of his life. Amen to that

Hi,

Thanks for the comments. I have been trying very hard to be cordial with my children's dad. But it seems that I was the one who has been "pushing" him to spend time with his kids. I understand the alcoholism is a selfish disease, which is why I tried my best to make things work. There were times when he chose not to come around for long periods of time & I would call him to ask what was going on. I truly want him to be a part of their lives but he's not making any effort to support that & really I'm tired of chasing him to spend time with his kids. We've had plenty of conversations concerning our children, but he is just not emotionally capable or mature to follow through & it hurts to see my kids hurt when they are impacted by his "broken promises." Even through that, I tell him how wonderful of a dad he is, just so he won't forget that, but it doesn't seem to be helping anymore. I asked him politely not to come to our home in an intoxicated state and/or at ridiculous hours (2AM in one instance), but he seems to take the information the wrong way. I guess my next step is to continue doing what's best for our children and hope & pray that one day he can face reality and accept his responsibility as a father. It hurts very much though when I see my children hurting and that I have to continually tell them that "their father is sick and has problems that cause him to make hurtful decisions. His decisions don't mean he doesn't love you, your dad will always love you, but he needs to get better so that he can be the wonderful father you want him to be.Just remember, none of this is your fault." Do you think I should get my children into counselling? I had a conversation with my girl (6) last night and she didn't want to talk about it, she just burst into tears and she was very uncomfortable about the subject. She said "I wish that you and dad could be back together but I know that won't happen" Then I explained to her that mommmy and daddy weren't happy together & we both decided to seperate. Please remember that we'll always be a family my girl, just a family apart and right now your dad needs time to work on himself, and although you rarely see him, I'm sure he thinks of you and misses you too." Gosh, to be honest, he was causing more stress when he's visit because he's was only there to visit me and try persuade me to react to his stories..but I will continue to pray that he will accept this situation and rebuild the relationship with his children. He's a really good person, a good father and very compassionate and it hurts me to see him give up like this, but I have every hope that he will eventually regain control of his life. Amen to that.

Hi

Your ex sounds far from ideal as Dad , but Dad he is warts and all. He has a problem and as Emily says Al Anon is a great place for you to  start getting support. in managing the situation. He may not be right for you but if you can support him as Dad it will be good for the children as they are missing him. I am not sure you have spoken to him about this. If not I would make it quite clear he is welcome to come and see the  children when he is sober , so if you both know this is sunday at 10am then go with this and keep it short and sweet. The children do need some contact on an ongoing basis. If he refuses to get help and he knows you don't want him around the children under the influence then ask him to keep in contact in other ways , reading story tapes, writing cards , texting , phone calls. Just remember that you are not punishing him for his behaviour you are protecting your children whilst trying to maintain contact. . As hard as this is I think that for the good of the children so that promises are not broken etc you have to make it as easy,as non confrontational and as simple as possible.

As an alcoholic I imagine that he is not right , ashamed of self and full of negative feelings which make it hard to face you and the children.

As far as the children go then your are right to reassure them , love them , let them know that Dad loves them but that he is not well , it is not their fault , he hasn't abandonned them but he needs help

Sorry if we sound harsh , this must be very very hard for you

All the best

Kate

I'm going to jump in with both feet and hope that Kate apologises on my behave if she thinks I'm wrong....  OK alcholism is a disease and needs treatment but it's not a reason to stop your children seeing him if they are safe.  If he's coming to your house and you're there as a sober adult who can make sure no harm comes to anyone then he should be allowed in.  Your daughter is sad and angry and you are sure it's because of his absence - GET HIM ROUND, otherwise you're not only going to have to explain what alcholism is and does to people but why you decided to keep their dad away from them because of it.  Your relationship didn't work becuase of his drinking - I don't think you have the right to decide that on that basis he's not good enough and should be banned.  He might be far from perfect, his reasons for drinking and his inability to stop may be beyond your comprehension or understanding, but research it - call AA Anon which is set up for people affected by alcoholics and try and get more understanding of it as an illness to help you to explain it to your children.  It won;t do them any harm learning about the dangers of alcoholism, your views on it and why it helps to explain how their dad is behaving.  Then let them carry on seeing him and make their own decisions about the way he behaves.  But at the moment I'm feeling that you're in the wrong not encouraging him to visit - let him back in. 

Good luck and sorry for the rant but i do believe what I say!

Emily