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A few thoughts from a long-time single parent

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I happened across Kate & Emily's TV program yesterday. I don't know what caught my interest but I watched two shows and just had to find out more. So many things that I've thought and experienced were being talked about - it felt like I'd written some of the scripts. I searched the internet for more info and here I am. I split up from my husband in 1992 and boy, do I wish that the girls (yes, that's you Kate and Emily!) had been around back then. It's been one huge learning curve and a wonderful, tearful, fulfilling, soul-destroying, happy, educational, frustrating and fun-filled journey. I can't honestly say that I wouldn't have missed it for the world, but I can't turn the clock back and it has ultimately made me into the woman I am today. I'll never know what the woman I might have been, had I remained with my husband, would have been like but I know that today I am a confident, happy, career-doing-well 49 year old mother of two energetic teenage boys. When I told my parents (somehow it was worse to break the news of the split to them than anyone else) my father didn't believe I'd make it on my own with an 18-month old toddler and being 4 months pregnant with my second child. Several friends also thought I didn't have the grit to succeed on my own - just shows how wrong folk can be! The whole single parent (I actually call myself a double parent as I do twice as much parenting as couple parents) journey has proved that I'm a survivor. The turning point that proved this to me came shortly after the birth of my second son. I was sitting on the floor in a corner of my bedroom sobbing my heart out and feeling sorry for myself when something told me that I had two choices - I curled up in a corner and gave up or I got up, dried my eyes and embraced life and whatever it threw at me. Fortunately for all concerned I got up and dried my eyes. Now I am facing something I haven't seen addressed in your programs or on this website (apologies if it is and I've missed it). In the next 5 years, and possibly sooner, my children could well have left home. I've always done what I thought was best for the kids as they didn't ask to be in a one-parent family. Although I've had relationships over the years my number one priority has been the children. I have a lovely support network of friends and family and started to resuscitate my social life a year or so ago. However, something on one of your programs really struck home with me - I have grown to prefer my own company to that of most other people. I do various sports and have several hobbies and am genuinely happy with me. This sounds weird but it's true! However, I think turning 50 next year is gnawing away at me - I've honestly never worried about any age to date but there's something about turning 50 that's taken me by surprise. I reckon it's the combination of potential 'empty nest syndrome' and being middle-aged that's causing this unease. What words of support does anyone have for me? That's it. My rambling thoughts, such as they are, for you all to read. There was no topic in particular that I wanted to get off my chest - I just wanted to say I'm here, I've survived and am continuing to waltz on through life. I'm happy to share my experiences and miscellaneous thoughts with anyone that feels they'd like to chat or just mull things over with a fellow single/double parent. Take care, Hilary

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Hello Hilary. Well - I can

Submitted by Mel on Mon, 2007-06-04 12:54.

Hello Hilary. Well - I can sympathise with a great deal of what you're saying. I am 48, my children are 19 & 17. I was divorced 7 years ago, took a masters degree and got a new career, which I quite like.

I have been in a full time live-in relationship for the past year. The reason I fell into it...? Empty nest.

My 17 year-old son is away (at boarding school) My daughter was at day school locally until 18 months ago when she went off to uni. While my daughter was living at home I finally decided, after a number of short-term clinches, to put 'romance' (aka sex) on hold. Why? Because it was just all too much trying to juggle my teenage daughter's needs with my own needs. Something had to give - and that something was men.

I had got to the stage where I trully believed I was happy with myself, my friends etc. I hadn't appreciated that the need to care for someone (and to be needed) was so strong. But, although I thought I was a fulfilled, independent woman, within 6 months of my daughter leaving I was ready to risk a relationship.

I'd like to be able to say it's been bliss. It was at first, of course, when the luuurve chemicals were coursing through my veins. But now I rather miss myself! I miss feeling like a survivor, feeling independent, feeling bored, feeling hysterical, feeling frightened. I miss pushing my limits. Now it's all so samey. Well - I guess this is the really difficult bit - survivng as an individual within a relationship: Looking after the 'me' I had come to like and admire whilst being able to share with another person.

It's really really difficult. Really difficult. Have to dash - good luck!

Hi Hilary, Thanks so much

Submitted by emily on Sat, 2007-06-02 14:54.

Hi Hilary, Thanks so much for your posting. This empty nest stuff is in the back of my mind, and I'm sort fo keeping my eye on that time and have it as a deadline to have got myself 'sorted' so that I'm ready to be on my tod in the house, not have the children to worry about in the same way, and not to be needed by them in the same way either which I think will be more of a shock! I'm thinking that to be soerted I need to be feeling on an up and enjoying being my own boss, and looking forward to a sense of freedom and new adventures. I need to be ready for reinvention and a relaunch! Which means I need to be able to have money sorted so that I can go out, and do things without the need to budget too much keeping my indoors watching Agatha Christie re-runs and finding my own company preferable to anyone elses! So I've got cranking up work on my to do list, plus thiunking of work that I want to do, challenges etc and answers all my needs, rather than having to take childcare etc into acount. I also need to have given my social life a shot in the arm so that when the time comes I'm naturally busy, welcomed by friends, on their list of people to see, speak to, get round, pop in on etc., And I've also got another hunt on for someone to0 do things with (not in a suacy way!!) I'm thinking of finding a mate that would get me out to exhibitions, theatre, odd events who would be enthusaistic and suggest and organise it and get me out, and then I'd have a buddy I could do that too as well - nothing like buying just the one ticket to Proms in the Park to make you feel that you might be becoming a loner, in a rather unhealthy way!

And then of course there's having parties - I'm convinced that any milestone needs to be celebrated in a BIG way if it's to be a good rather than crap experience. The lovely Victoria Wood had a full on party for all her female friends when she hit 50, another friend (not that VW is a friend - just wishful thinking on my part!) had a big bash in a swish bar, I had a house party for 40 and felt fabulous as a result! One of Kate's friends does a good thing - once a year she invites 10ish women she's met round for supper who she's recently met and have made an impression on her. The lovely Kate was invited this year and she said it was a fantastic evening - she'll tell you why but I think it might help you to get into other people's company and widen horizons ready for the boys going?!

Talking of horizons - must dash as K and me off to a 40th - HUURAH!!! DANCING TIL DAWN!!!

Love emily

Empty nests

Submitted by kate on Thu, 2007-05-31 13:37.

Thanks so much for your really kind words and well done you. We really want to show people who feel they are facing disaster for themselves and their children that it can be alright , the children can have a great childhood and they can reinvent themselves and have a new , great though different future . But as we all know it can be a bit of a rocky journey . No we have not put anything up on the web about that whole real fear that so many of us have about the day our children leave home . There were a couple of episodes that touched on this subject one which was Angelas story , which was on the other day
but knowing Discocery will repeated shortly and the other concerns Rose hitting the big 50. We are not quite there yet, but as it is a niggle , i think very many of us have it needs addressing . Must away but I shall wrack my brains and put something down .

All the best

Kate