Kate & Emily

Email to friend

Helping your children get to know their absent parent

Children are hungry for information – ANY information so this worksheet will get you remembering all sorts of things about their absent parent that you may well have forgotten.

We learnt long ago from a child psychiatrist that an overwhelming majority of children have a NEED to know about their biological parents. So even if Dad / Mum aren't around, they will be hungry and this is to help you make Dad or Mum real -  not a saint, not a pillock, but a real person that they can feel OK about.

 

The aim is to make Dad / Mum complete in their head.  At the moment they know the bad bit – they left them and don’t see them.  That may be true, but surely you can give your child more information so that they know them as being more than ‘an absent parent'?  Here are the questions to help you think about your ex and what you could tell them:

 

 

1          When did you first meet their Dad / Mum?  Where were you? How old were you?

 

 

2          Can you remember what you were both wearing?

 

 

3          Pretend you’re writing a letter to a friend telling them your news and about meeting this man / woman. What would you write?   Off you go! ‘

 

Dear Ellie

I remember when I first noticed your DAD / MUM ..  …. ’

 

Then just write and write until you get to the point where it went wrong. Then stop.

 

 

4          If you can go back to this and write another one put yourself in the absent parent's shoes to try and explain from their view point why it may have come to pass that they have no contact with them anymore….  Give a balanced and fair  picture to your child.

 

 

5          Write down all you kjnow about your ex.  Write it as if you were writing an article for a magazine.  You could include things like when they were born, where, their family (brothers, sisters etc), did you ever hear any sotries about when they were little, or what they were like at school?  What do you know about their childhood and growing up?  What did they work as?  Did they like it?  etc etc

 

 

6          Now make a list of all the things you liked about their Dad / Mum, from characteristics to habits, style etc..  Make this list as long as you possibly can.

 

 

7          Now write another letter to your best friend Sue and tell her all about your relationship with your ex.  Tell her all about it from the time you became an item to the time you split up.  . 

 

‘Dear Sue, I’ve never told you about me and X and what happened to us.  We…..’

 

  

 

8          Now look at your children.  What bits of their Dad / Mum can you see in them?  Physical similarities?  Characteristics?  Things they like or don’t like doing that are like them?  Look for the good and the bits you liked, not just the bits you didn’t like that they’ve inherited!

 

9         And finally, re-read everthing you've written after a couple of days and ask yourself if it's fair, if it's complete, and if it gives your child as whole a picture as you can give of their absent parent?  Does it tell your child the story of Mum and Dad?  I'd then make it inot as nice a looking 'book' as you can - perhaps in a nice file or something and go through it with your child.  Remember this is a special gidt you'll be giving them so take the time to make it complete and to talk about ti all with them.  You'll only be able to do this well when time has passed and you're feeling emotionally strong enough to do it.