Kate & Emily

Oops, Kate asked me to read her reply becuase she was worried she'd been rude.  I promised to be the voice of reason!  Problem is - she's right, she might have been a bit blunt, but she's right.  One of the hardest lessons to learn about splitting up in the early days is that you no longer have any influence over your ex anymore (it works both ways which is an upside!).  I remember finding myself thinking about the decisions my ex was making - even little ones about how he could organsie his day to fit in various jobs, seeing children etc, but that was because i was used to thinking like that, and actually once I realised that it was his problem to sort out how he was going to organise a day or make decisions about any other aspect of his life, it all became much easier.  It's a sad moment when you realise you really are leading seperate lives, and that means not being able to influence lifestyle.  To me that really did feel like the proper end of the relationship, but it was from that point on that I think I started to move on as I realised that if I didn't have any influence over his life, I too was free to be independant and to build a lifestyle that suited me.  I think you need to do the same. 

Mess isn't dangerous (Kate lives in chaos and that might explain part of her jumping off the deep end as the thought of her ex sayng sorry I'm withholding the children until you mend the tap, and sort this chaos out is TOTALLY UNIMAGINABLE!).  Let the children go, know their dad, know mess and know you and how you live and they'll grow up with 2 loving parents whith no bad blood between them (which makes a MASSIVE difference to how children surive this).  They'll also experience  2 different lifestyles.  I can't see what's wrong with that.  You're setting a dangerous precident by withholding children because you don;t approve of his house because then it becomes perfectly OK for him to withhold them from you when you do something he doesn't approve of, such as you getting a new boyfriend etc.  I'd go for a drink with your ex, or have him round for a chat and apologise to him and start with a clean slate - perhaps agreeing what it is that you both do have a say in, which will be things like education, etc.  might help and then you both know what's off bounds which will protect you from his interference too.   Lots and lots of luck, Emily

PS you'll feel better about the fun he's having when you've jsut let him go and focus on your own life rather than his.

In the cold light of day , read your letter again . Amicable separation , in a house you prefer, a close friend moves in ( not a stranger) , you are jealous of the free fun bit , he wants to see the children and you would rather have a nervous brteakdown than go back on your word and break under the pressure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all beacuse he has no hoover a broken tap , mess , dirt and smokes.

Get a grip if the house is unsafe that is one thing if it is a messy , cahotic batchelor pad with smoking , no cleaner and broken taps , there is nothing you can do about that . That is the way he choses to live and is beyond your sphere of influence.

I really do not like that you are punishing him by not letting him have the children during the holiday , they need to see him , he wants to see them and that is the most important thing. why not help him sort a system out. ?????????

I really think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill and yes you are the first person in my knowledge to withhold access because a house is messy filthy and not up to your standards.

sorry to be so frank , but I suggest you arrange some sort of visit before the holidays end to reiterate , unless your children are not safe and there is nothing in your letter that suggests this is the case I would backtrack fast .

Emily you had better pipe up

Kate