Kate & Emily

The purpose of encouraging you to think about your behaviour is to help you keep this new relationship with your ex within acceptable boundaries, and to keep the dialogue between you business-like, direct and focused on the children. It’s the same as drawing up a code of conduct between you. This might sound a bit forced, but it only takes a teensy thing to knock the project off-course, so we recommend maintaining tight control, particularly if you’re in a toxic relationship.

If you go to a pub, you might see a code of conduct behind the bar that states how the landlord expects you to behave, and what they deem to be unacceptable behaviour that will get you barred. And we all remember the cartoons around the sides of the swimming pool showing us how to behave.

If you really want to make co-parenting work, it makes obvious sense to do the same and draw up your own code of conduct, stating what sort of behaviour you expect of each other, and what’s absolutely out of bounds.

To draw up your own code of conduct stating how you intend to behave towards your co-parent, first decide how you would like them to behave towards you. Then, very importantly, ask yourself if you can behave like it too – the point being, don’t ask anyone to behave in any way that you’re incapable of, or are not prepared to!

Be realistic, be flexible, be kind, be supportive. Don’t make unreasonable demands or have overly high expectations like ‘they’ll never be late (or early!) to get the children, and they’ll be charm personified at all times’.

Keep to this way of behaving with each other for as long as is humanly possible. It’s surprisingly easy to undo all your good work by falling into a false sense of security and straying into danger areas, such as chewing over the history of your failed relationship.

And don’t forget – signing up to a code of conduct is not about making you like or respect your co-parent; it’s to do with accepting that you have to work together as parents for the sake of the children, and helping you to do that with someone who’s no longer your dreamboat.

Try, try, try, try and don’t lie. To make your co-parenting plan work you need to build up some trust in this one common area of your lives.

·         Remember the rule ‘you get what you give’. The way you engage with other people will determine how they respond to you.

·         Honestly evaluate your style of engagement with your ex. It’ll help you to understand why you’re getting responses that upset you and bring out the worst in you, despite your wonderful intentions.

·         Decide on the most effective means of communication with your ex. Open up the most user-friendly and workable channels you can think of.

·         Make sure you know the no-go areas and flash-points - the topics that make either of you uncomfortable.

·         Treat each other with common courtesy and ban shouting, swearing, and other forms of bad behaviour.