How do I approach this?

Hi - just needing some reassurance on how to deal with a recent situation. My daughter returned from a weekend with her father and that evening she said she wanted to go on a diet, asked to change what she has for breakfast and said she didn't want me to give her cakes, biscuits,chocolate or sweets anymore. I explained to her that eating healthily is a good thing and that eating healthily means a little bit of everything. My concern is that these ideas are coming from her father. He used to nag me consistently about my size (size 14 too big!!)infront of the children and tell me I was too fat. I have already had to deal with his new partner making reward charts for them trying out new fruits and telling my daughter she needs to exercise more! I just worry that his obsession with body size is influencing my daughters ideas of her body image. She says she is fat.

I completely agree that children should eat a balance diet and exercise - she does dance classes- which she loves.

Any ideas on how to approach this with him? I'm thinking it may be best just to forget it and try to be a balancing influence?

Another (sorry - there's more!) worry which stemmed from the initial conversation was that when she had been swimming her daddy had looked very upset. He wouldn't tell her but she kept asking him why he was upset. She told me that eventually he had said that it was because she wasn't as good a swimmer as other children her age. She was quite upset by this- and has since been reluctant to go swimming. I was seething- she is an okay swimmer but could do with a few lessons. The bottom line is that the lessons had waned before ( while dad was still around) because I had been exhausted - holding down a full time job, stressed about money, losing my father and just given birth- I hadn't been able to carry on the sunday swimming routine on my own as well! He is an excellent swimmer and I had asked him to take responsibility for it and after he left I continued to ask him to take responsibility for organising it - 2 years on (needless to say he didn't). I am angry that he has made our daughter feel bad about herself.

We have been to mediation and comunication between us did improve for a while. However I dread bringing up any issues I sometimes have.

I guess the concern underlining all the above is that he may be making my daughter feel how I used to feel - not good enough- in certain areas. I'm not sure I have the energy or finances to try and discuss these issues with him any longer.

Categories:

Making Co-Parenting Work

Just a quick note to say -

Submitted by blinky on Wed, 2009-02-25 22:43.

Just a quick note to say - yes it is worth it - opened up the communication and things have improved. Have more of an understanding of situation and even managed to sit together and watch our daughter perform on stage, which meant a lot to her.
Thanks for the push!

You can find the energy to

Submitted by emily on Wed, 2009-02-04 22:11.

You can find the energy to discuss it with her dad - you know how this sort of thing made you feel, she;s oyur daughter nad you can be her mouthpiece and articulate oyur concerns to her dad on her behalf. It might just be that body image is a very female thing to worry about and he has really no idea of how even very slight comments can have a huge impact on self esteem etc.

What would I do though? If my daughter wanted to cut out treat foods then I would - that's not faddy or alarming, and in fact it's not a bad thing to discourage a sweet tooth (although I do agree with your philosophy of a little of everything is no bad thing). To teach her to have a healthy relationship with food and about herself I'd eat meals with her so she can see you enjoying food, eating properly, being happy etc. Eating together also means you can monitor how much she's eating and how she's reacting to food. I suppose I'd think that being preoccupied with being 'healthy was no bad thing, I'd worry if it turned into being preoccupied by weight. I'd make sure that 'fat', large etc were words that were never used to describe her, or used as the main reasons to eat healthily. Instead I'd reinforce the idea that you eat healthily to give you more energy, stop you getting ill, fighting colds, feeling good etc (all good positive reasons leading to feeling good about yourself) - I have no idea if I'm right but my instinct is that it's important to keep the connection between healthy eating and being thin / beautiful / attractive etc to a minimum Surely that's where eating disorders lie?

I'd then talk to her dad and tell him what I've heard he's doing in his house and tell him how, as your daughter's keen to follow it in yours and you agree it's no bad thing, you intend to support this healthy eating approach. Then for the BUT.... But you do have concerns, as you know how easy it is for girls to flip from being healthy eaters to wanting to diet, disliking the way they look and feeling low in self-esteem etc. So then discuss how you can both make sure that she continues to feel good about herself. Mention the swimming, explain how your daughter's feeling and ask him to encourage her back into the pool as it's his thing and you know you'll not be able to fit it all in. He can spend time with her teaching her, having fun and praising her.

I know that having these conversations is hard and draining, but you know you have to. It'll go a whole heap better if you give a little and then work together for your daughter, rather than start from the point of 'it's either my way or your way'. Compromise I'm afraid!

Lots of luck,

Emily