How to handle the handover?

OK, so we made it successfully past the first few access meetings, I have written a contact plan he has agreed to, thinking psoitively we are working towards a place where my son spends every other saturday with his dad. He's not yet a year old and has never had much contact with his father. In a couple of weeks it will be the first time his dad will pick him up and 'drive off' with him. I do have plans to have a few friends over which should distract me. BUT the reason I post is, when i go to work I drop my son at a childminders, he is sometimes a bit grizzly on a monday so i try to make it short and sweet, on the doorstep hand over kiss, wave and go. How do I handle the handover to his father. do I say in advance, i'll pass him to you on the doorstep and you will have to walk off, should I take him out and strap him in his car, do I invite his dad in and have a 5 minute 'chat' first or is that prolonging the inevitable? He will have seen his dad once every week for 3-4 weeks in advance and i try to give them as much space and contact as possible but inevitably my son is at the age where others are ok for a bit but then he wants to touch base with mum again. I want to make it as painless as possible for all 3 of us, no one wants to be left with a crying distressed child and I don't want to feel I am sending him off like that. My son feeling secure is very important to me and to him.... What does everyone else do with little ones? Any advice/Suggestions? I know we can try different methods but I'd hate to start it all on the wrong foot - there's been enough of that already!

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Making Co-Parenting Work

the first time that i had to

Submitted by patrick on Wed, 2008-02-13 20:37.

the first time that i had to hand over my children to my ex wife, was very difficult for me and my two children (2002). On reflection along time ago, I cried when they went and yes they wanted to come back as they felt sorry for me and they did, and that got her upset. I asked her the next time in advance what she had planned for them, she got upset that i was asking and felt i was judging her capabilites, but i told her that if i know then i can talk to the children a couple of days before hand to get them in the mood and excited, it worked. When they were seeing her, then i would get ready and go out straight away and try to enjoy myself even if they were having a couple of hours with her or an overnight. I agree it is very difficult and can be a worrying time as you feel that it will all go wrong for them. The other thing not to do, is to question the children when they come straight through the door, this causes them anxiety as if something was going to happen. Let them in their own time tell you how it went and they will. Good luck and enjoy some time for yourself to.

I think you're half way

Submitted by emily on Sun, 2008-02-03 16:31.

I think you're half way there at least by giving it all so much thought in advance and I'm sure as a result it'll be loads smoother. Given your son;s age I'd do your suggestion of going out to the car strapping him in chatting about what fun he'll have include Dad in the chat - you're going to the park aren;t you? Ohh show Dad how well you can swing etc etc' You know the thing! Then you've got him off you and in the car painlessly. Sound positive and excited for them both and don't let him sense that it's going to be nothing other than fun and that all's OK becuase you're waving him off so happily so what is there to worry about? I think you're right - I'd tell Dad what you decide the best way to do the handover is. Perhaps get him to have a bribe in the car - favourite bar, crisps, drink, toy antyhting that will stop tears if they look like they're coming! My 2 are older so their dad comes in and we chat and get their stuff together and I wave them off too. But for the first few send offs and with a little one I'd be the one to get him in the car I think.

As for you - top tip from me is GO OUT IMMEDIATELY THEY'VE DRIVEN OFF. Get your coat on and go to meet friends, buy a pint of milk, walk round the park - anything to make sure you don't spend too much time back indoors feeling sad becuae it will feel empty. Putting my coat on is the way I deal with it when I know I'm going to be wobbly I haven't found anythign else that works as well.

Good luck and well done for doing such a good job for your son his dad and you!

Emily