Kate & Emily

Hi Caitlin,  Both Kate and I met a 9 year old boy who'd never met his dad, heard a bit about him but wanted to know so much more - his mum was amazed as he'd never really spoken about it.  One of things he really wanted to understand was why his dad had never visited him.  It made such an impact on Kate and I and it's because of this experience that I think you should talk talk talk.  I think you should show photos, give her the photos to either put in her room or to keep in a draw in her room or something - just make them hers - he is her dad.  I'd tell her all you know about him (age appropriate!).  I'd make it into a story of how you met, what he's like, what you did, what he's doing now, his family etc  becuase children;s imaginations will fill in the gaps if you leave them!  I think you should get in touch with him, I think your daughter would be grateful that you did - whatever the result - at least you tried for her.  I understand you not wanting to so think what your boundaries are before you contact him, for example do you wnat him to visit you at home or somewhere nutral?  What if he wants to take her out to the swings or something on her own if your history is too difficult to deal with?  Would you rather he met her with someone els there like a mutual friend or relative instead of you?  I'd get in touch and if I wouldn't tell your daughter that you're going to make contact, or if he replies, or if he's coming to visit - just in case he doesn't (which is what is upsetting the 9 year old boy so much, his dad said he would visit and never did).  Manage her expectations by not giving her any until you know it's going to happen.  I don't mean when he rings the door bell say 'here's dad', but when the date and time and place have all been confirmed!  I dont think knowing as much as she can about her dad is a bad thing at all and I wish you all the best with it Emily