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How to set visitation schedule when father has been absent 9 years

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Recently I located my son's father who left with his girlfriend when I was 8 months pregnant. Pregnancy was unplanned and he was bitter because I would not terminate. My son now being 9 years old has ongoing health issues and was why I choose to open this can of worms. My son's father is still very much resentful of the fact he has responsibilities to this child and I am beginning to think maybe I should have left things alone. I needed medical assistance which I no longer have because I lost my job of 15 years. To apply for state assistance temporarily until I can find suitable employment I had to list the fathers name. Now after a long court battle over child support and health care responsibilities (he tried every excuse known to get out of)he now filed a petition for joint custody and wants shared legal custody. He wants his wife ( remember girlfriend he abandon his son for) to have the same decision making rights as myself for medical, school, and so fourth. He wants to jump in and expects my son to adjust to a new living arrangement and me to adjust to his wife taking over things that I am not comfortable with. She wanted nothing to do with my child either 9 years ago and made it very clear. They have no children of their own. I am afraid that with the child support order his only intentions are to hurt me by using my child. He has drawn up a visitation schedule which he asked for his child support to be dropped and he will supply clothes, and an allowance for activities. What would court order for visitation when a "father" has not been a father?

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Thank you for answering my

Submitted by 24612SW on Thu, 2010-08-19 09:16.

Thank you for answering my post. I will complete the worksheets which include a co-parenting form, code of conduct, and my expectations of my ex. I do feel like I need to stand strong and let him and his now wife know that they need to follow my lead until my son gets more comfortable with visits and can build some trust in his father. The bullying and threats are hard to deal with in a already difficult situation. I have pulled in a family therapist to help organize a visitation schedule in which will proceed at a slow pace and progress as long as visits are going well. She recommends that my son, myself and ex start off in a public setting for short visits with her meeting with us monthly to see how things are going. I've had two mediation sessions with ex and it is hard to be in the same room with him (he kind of has this "hero" mentality and doesn't want to accept any responsibility for his actions.) He states that my son needs to start visits just like if we were married and divorced,EOWE and over nights on Wednesdays, even though he lives over an hour away. Alternating holidays, and 2 to 4 weeks in the summer. Ex states that son my not like it at first but he a kid and he can just get over it. Also his wife made several calls to the therapist saying their is absolutely no way she will tolerate any visits between her husband, myself and son unless she was present. WT*. Anyway wish me luck and a ton of patience. I am going to need it.

Hello, I'm not sure what the

Submitted by emily on Wed, 2010-08-11 07:01.

Hello, I'm not sure what the courts will say.  know this is difficult for you after 9 years and bad history between you 3 adults, but as I'm sure you also know your son will benefit form having his dad in his life, and having another adult (the girlfriend) looking out for him too.

Try your hardest to put to one side how you all got into this situation and take some control of how it goes forward.  Put your son at the heart of it - you're right take it slowly, make sure it's consistant contact rather than all or nothing etc..  You also have your own boundaries and things that you'll accpet (even if they're hard) and things that you can't.  One of these might be joint custody at the moment.  Perhaps you'll feel differently in the future.  Go to our co-parenting and child maintenance section and read all the articles listed int hese sections as well as the worksheets.  I really recommend that you make yourslef complete the worksheets which include a co-parenting form, code of conduct, your expectations of your ex etc.  You don;t need to be bullied baout this or threatened with court - these worksheets should give you the tools you need to think coolly, sensibly and practically about how it can work between you all.  Remember you may need to say what you think is the best way to start, but things can be reviewed as your son, ex and you all get used to each other again. 

I hope this helps a bit and points you in the right direction fo things to look at - it will take some hard thinking but you'll feel stronger for it and much more in control as you'll be very clear on what is the best way forward for you and your son. 

Good luck

Emily