Kate & Emily

Email to friend

Hi, Me and my husband split last June and I have had to move out of our marital home with the children and I now rent somewhere. My husband or should I say nearly ex husband has had his new girlfried for yeah u guessed it since June last year (yeah strange that). We have been getting on ok and I have been coping with things, but i am recently finding it had to cope with the fact that he is spending more time with his new girlfriend and her child instead of time with our children. To top this he has also been spotted house hunting. I don't know how to cope with the fact that he just doen't seem bother with our kids and yet is planning to play happy familes with some other child. HELP xx I'm sorry it's taken awhile for us to get back to you - I blame the sick bug going round... But down to business... First of all, please remember it's extremely early days and you just WILL feel rough, depressed, bitter, jealous and all other sorts of horrible things. However, the feelings do go - mainly when you end up getting bored of feeling like it! Until that time the best thing I can say is to try and stay focussed on the positive, keep yourself in check (behaviour wise with the ex), give yourself a break and make sure you don;t get too tired etc.. Have a look at the worksheets in the You and New Single Parent sections as some of those questions might get you to start to look at your own life, start to disengage, or stop comparing with his new life (really a waste of emotional energy worrying about aspects of his life you can't influence - look at this worksheet to think through what stresses you out, which bits you can and can't do somthing about http://www.kateandemily.com/node/75 - AND THEN START TO TEACH YOURSELF TO LET THOSE THINGS YOU CAN'T INFLUENCE GO (LIKE YOUR EX LOOKING FOR A NEW HOUSE). When you're feeling vulnerable like this it doesn;t take much to turn you and your ex into a battle ground. Someone once said that once they let one nasty comment out to their ex it was liek a flood gate and they all came out - she had to learn to stop the first one. All easier said than done but use the co-parenting forms and code of conduct forms to keep you focussed on the end game, and use it as a way to talk to your ex about your concerns ofr your own child. Have a co-parenting conversation, it takes the heat out (a little! Or at least more than an ex to ex type conversation does!) and will allow you to talk as calmly as you both can about a very emotional and upsetting subject. I hope this helps a little? I've sent you off with quite alot of homework I'm afraid! Be in touch if you want to talk more about it and I'll get Kate to have a look when she's back from half term. love emily Hi This is a real pig and no it is does not feel fair. It is a horrible phase which many people go through . It is akin to the grieving process and there is not alot that can be done , you will get better every day . I think the hard part is to make sure that you don't let this process get in the way of your long term realtionship with Dad as co parent. Never use the children as weapons however mad and powerless you feel. Don't let these negative feelings drive you to do things that you may regret and which will put you on the back foot. Easier said than done so you need to find ways of managing very difficult and powerful feelings . Top tips Keep a diary , vent all your negative and awful thoughts here. Find a way of letting off steam , exercise is a really good one, run , swim , walk . Try to wean yourself off all knowledge of ex , try not to ask people who might know , what is he doing etc etc Keep as business like as you can with your ex, I would probably start communicating by e mail Take life in bite sized pieces , manage and cope on a day to day basis and if you really can't cope , are sleeping badly , crying then have a look at our article in the You section , could be you need to see the Doctor or find a therapist to talk to . When I felt somewhat like this I asked a great friend how long will I feel like this for and he said about 420 more days and he was not far off ... it sems to take a couple of years . But just know that it is your interest and the childrens interest for you do mangage , control and rise above this Good luck Kate