Kate & Emily

Hi Chris
I have been where you are and although our situations are slightly different I can understand what you are going though and how you feel. My ex was cruel to me while I was pregnant and I suffered from PND after my daughter was born. He went out late, drank to much, listened to everything his mother told him and always called her with his problems instead of discussing them with me. It was my decision for us to separate but we had tried to sort things out. Once I was feeling better I finally realised that we were both different people and that my ex was not who I wanted to spend my life with. I couldn't just stay together for the sake of our daughter because I couldn't stand for her to hear the arguments and feel the atmosphere.
Only you can decide what to do but I can offer some advice. I would speak with your health visitor, she may be able to recommend someone to talk to. Even if your husband doesn't want to go initially he may come round to the idea and you will feel the benefit of having someone to discuss things with. Also, I know how much you love spending time with your son but maybe it would help if you gave your husband more responsibility with him to give you a little time to yourself? A lie in, a long bath, a quick trip to the shops, a chat and a coffee with friends, even for an hour, you will learn to really appreciate these. Wait until your wee boy can answer you back, take a tantrum in Sainsburys or refuse to go into a shop when you really need to go into. That little hour by yourself is the best stress relief and you will be much more able to deal with whatever life throws at you.
Good luck, I really hope that you and your husband can sort things out.
xx

Your hubby made a commitment to you and you are letting him down. Sorry - but that's the way it is. Your relatiuonship with your baby is too 'close' - you are in danger of suffocating him and ruining your chances of happiness as a unit of 3 (or even 2). You must remember that your husband is 'just a man' and needs to feel the warmth and intimacy that he once had with you before your son was conceived. No wonder he feels like 'snatching him out of the bed' and 'leaving you' and all the other nonsense he talks. He just wants to be close to you - yes, physically as well as emotionally - so don't be cruel... He loves you. He was a little boy himself once and he needs you. One day your little boy will be all grown up and, God knows, he will want, and deserve, a partner who can stand side by side with him and enjoy both physical and emotional intimacy. So, Chris, teach him - whatever example you were (or weren't) given. Tough but true :-) Mel

Hello there, you are both so in control, I really hope I come out the other side of this with at least a degree of where you are now.

I will go it alone on the relate front and perhaps hubby will join in at some point, and if not hey-ho at least it may help me to find a strategy to cope with the prospect of sharing out my son with people who I feel less than kind towards and really disagree with their parenting styles.

In the end, to me, the most important person here is my son and eventually he will be able to make his own decissions and choices so if I can just muster the strength to let him go a little more then it will surely be easier for not only me but the little chap in the long run.

Thanks again.

Chris

Hi , do have a look at the relate web site . I have lifted this from it and personally know of a couple of people who have been on their own and found it useful .

This is a response to a direct question , can I come alone ?

Yes. Whether you are single, or if you have a partner who doesn't want to come or you simply want to discuss things alone you are welcome to bring any aspect of your current, past or future relationships to Relate by yourself.

It does sound like you need to take a step back , new babies can be stressful , I am sure the whole IVF process has been a nerve jangler and sometimes men find the whole thing a massively harder transition .

Kate

Dear Chris,

I am so sorry to hear how sad you are. I understand how much you love you son, and that's an incredibly important thing to hold on to, not only does it bouy you up now, but if you ever do split up from hubby then it'll help to keep you focussed on the fact that you'll have to bear his happiness in mind when you're deciding how to behave, what to do, what to say to your ex etc. I found it made things much clearer when I put my children, rather than my feelings or my ex's at the centre of any of my decisons and actions.

However, you're not on your own yet, so let's take a step back. It sounds as if there is an awful lot for you both to sort out and understand and I think you're right - you need a professional to help. How about going to your GP to start with and talking to them about all that you have on your plate, your worries and any efects it may be having on your health? If hubby won't go to Relate then the GP might be able to refer you to someone for just you to talk to - I'm sure that'd be helpful. Relate might even be able to see you on your own? You know your hubby and whether he'd see you going to Relate on your own as you being disloyal, or if he'd be happy as long as he wasn't involved. These sorts of things aren't up my street either, but I bet if my hubby had gone on his own I would've eventually joined in out of curiosity!

I know you're battle weary and anxious about having to spend time away form your son if you split up, but I promise - it just does get better. IF you split up, you'll slowly realise over the course of time that seperation doesn't dim a child's love of their parents in the slightest. You'll also come to appreciate that child free time and even look forward to it. I do, and I still adore my children as much as I ever did - infact as they grow up it gets stronger and stronger. But them going off with their Dad is a part of their life that they look forward to, so I do too. I lie in a lot!!

But all this talk must feel so foreign to you at the moment. I don't knwo which TV programme you saw, but one was with a lady called Helly who had only just split up from her husband. All we could do for her was to get her a massage and tell her the importance of looking after hoerself if she was to get through it all for her own sake and for the children's (they noticed she was less stressed when she came back from the massage!). So PLEASE look after yourself, talk to your GP or other experts to get some professional help to help you look at your marriage properly and to work out what you could try to do to fix it, or how to move on.

I really do wish you all the luck in the world,

Emily