Just feeling low!!!

I wrote to you a few weeks ago about contacting my ex when I felt down. I don't do this now, never ask about his girlfriend etc.. and always remain civil. Most days I can cope and find that I'm fine but then I just hit a low spot (like now)! I found out that my ex had feelings for another woman (13 years my junior - suppose that doesn't matter), last Christmas. He said he could finish it, but then admitted his feelings were stronger than he thought. He left in January, for space, but I knew he wouldn't come back. (He did talk about coming back a couple of times, but it was short lived, and due to him having a fall out with his girlfriend). If he ever changed his mind again, I would never now trust him, because he has continually put this other woman first. My son was 9 months and my daughter 5 when he left and I'm divorcing him. I thought I was OK, but the last few days I've felt so angry again. He's just bought his own place and I think I'm finding this hard, maybe it's just on top of everything that happened last Christmas. His girlfriends not met the kids yet, he's taken things slowly but I know she will be at his new place a lot and I would imagine he will want to introduce her soon and I will have to deal with it. I guess I feel angry towards her because when I suspected things, I checked his phone and found lots of messages, one saying she never wanted kids and hated them, and earlier this year, when he almost came back, he said she'd be useless with the kids. Because it's someone he worked with, she knew from the start he had kids. I think part of my problem is I moved away to be with my husband, leaving my family and friends. I miss them so much, just being able to pop round to see me and vice versa. While he has friends, family, girlfriend all at hand. I thought of moving back, but decided for the time being to stay here mainly not to cause more upset and change for my daughter. I love my children and they mean the world to me, but when they are in bed, I just wonder why I am sat alone and is this now it! Part of me feels that at 38 I've just had my life pulled from under my feet. He left me because he felt we didn't care about each other (yet always use to tell me how happy he was up until working with this girl). I just feel he's been so selfish. How do I focus on the positive things, rid myself of lonely feelings and get rid of this bitterness!

Categories:

This is all new to me / early days

Give yourself a break it

Submitted by kate on Tue, 2006-12-19 18:59.

Give yourself a break it takes time and to be honest feelings of anger , dissapointment and distress will come and go for years though as time marches on it will be less and less frequently.

Try and contain these feelings write them down , contain them ,allow yourself to rake over them only every now and then , make sure you are getting enough sleep . I find the best advise is to keep busy . If you miss your friends and family actively regroup , my best friends and my sisters live on average 60 miles away , but we e mail , phone and meet up for holidays , weekends frequently. And also set a target of making a new friend this year a popping in and out type.

Just to be sure that you are not more than just a bit down then do have a look at the article in the You section.... just to make sure a trip to the Doctors is not appropriate.

I am sure that you know that you are the only one who can really help and hey 38 !!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is still young and its early days
for you .

Christmas is a difficult

Submitted by jane on Tue, 2006-12-19 12:59.

Christmas is a difficult time, especially if it's an anniversary of splitting up / nasty revelations etc. I too am prone to feeling low at Christmas because it does highlight what's gone nad looking at all these happy families and couples around. I find it very hard not to feel sorry for myself and last year was miserable because I let myslef get too self-absorbed and I was on my own at new year. This year I'm trying hard not to get like it again so I allowed myself a whole day of feeling sorry for myself, crying etc.. After the day I got it out my system and got bored of feeling like it so now it feels like it's out of my system for this year! I've made sure that I'm with people at Xmas and new year - I've just invited myself to my best friends house and I think it'll be OK. So I'd say - give your self a deadline for snapping out of it and then be around people and active to take your mind of it. Happy Christmas :)

Hi Wendy, we've been in

Submitted by lisa on Fri, 2006-12-15 22:32.

Hi Wendy, we've been in touch before, like you I'm at college (I do one evening a week - creative like you)!! I've also found I can do things that I never thought I could, even if it's just using a drill! I'm lucky I work part time and it's been the one thing that's kept me going. I've family round at xmas so that should help, and like you, I know in my heart that how ever bad I feel sometimes, it's not as bad as our last few months together, when I can see clearly now how much he didn't want to be with me - at the time I just couldn't understand what was happening for a while, but then I was busy with a new baby. I will try to set goals and it helps so much being able to communicate with people like yourself. Although I can talk to my x for the sake of the children, I feel he is dismissive of how I feel now, but then I suppose this should be of no surprise, if he'd cared about me he wouldn't have left!!! I don't know, I love xmas for the kids, but I have to say, for me, I'll be glad when it's over. I so don't want to focus on him, his new place, his girfriend being there!!! Your ex doesn't seem to be in a rush to introduce the kids, like mine, and like you, I could tell her a few things, he was not so complementary about her, when he thought he might want to come back to me! I've managed (other than one short call to her months ago) not to contact her at all, I just feel the short lived satisfaction I would get from this would long term make me feel she'd got one over in seeing how bothered I am! Thanks for your comments and I do hope you have a good Christmas. The wine will be flowing for me!

It's not easy coping on your

Submitted by Wendy on Fri, 2006-12-15 09:26.

It's not easy coping on your own when you were once a couple. I am also 38 but my children are older 17, 14 and 8. I had and still have at times the same feelings as yourself. My partner also cheated on me with a work college, he went self-employed and she was a painter, so different from me!!! Total opposite so I have been told by the only one person who has met her, my sister-in-law and that was only once over two years ago. My story is similar in that my ex wanted to come back and we did try or so I thought, then I found out later that he had still been seeing her, I wonder if she knows about the late nights he spent round mine early 2005!!!! I get the impression that she doesn't because when he said he wanted her to meet the kids a couple of months ago I mentioned that time and he got angry and walked out and I've heard nothing since about her meeting the kids. She hasn't even met his parents. I had a bad night last night just watching telly and this couple were cuddling and kissing and I just starting crying, but it's a lot less than I used to. Now I take each day as it comes. I've set myself goals, the first to pass my driving test, I did first time, the second to get a job, got the first job I applied for in 15 years!!! The people I've met are lovely and even though its one day a week at the moment I look forward to seeing them and having adult conversations. It's not easy, they are selfish, I look at all I have done since he left and I'm proud of myself, it made me realise that he managed to do all the things he wanted to do in our marriage while I stayed at home looking after kids. Do you have any hobbies? I'm doing a course at the Adult Education on dressing making and I love it, have been making clothes for more than 15 years but this course if more detailed like making patterns. I still feel bitter on occasion seeing the freedom he has. But then I look at my life now and compare it to the last couple of years when he was with me and they are so much better. Make a list of things you really want to to and try and do them, if you only manage a few its a start. Are you on your own for Chrstmas or are you going to see your family?