Email to friendHi,
I have been separated for just over 2 months now, it was my decision after 18yrs, quite a few yrs ago my partner had a one night stand while my children were very young, because of their age I decided to give the relationship another go, but never really got over it due to my trust having gone entirely, worst part was I walked in on the one night event. I found that we rapidly drifted apart with nothing in common, he has always been very quiet, but life was becoming unbearable as we hardly chatted about anything, I wanted to but he didn't like chatting about 'menial' things as he put it. He never took part in disciplining our two children and over the years I could feel myself becoming angrier and angrier. I eventually made the heart wrenching decision to separate and the children are living with me, although there Dad sees them approx 4 times a week. Some days I feel that I am pulling my life back together but other days like today when the children are staying with their dad I feel so lonely and at such a loss. Most of my friends are in relationships and try as I might it is really hard to find company to do things with. Most people have their own families at weekends. It is just me and my dog, who has just come to give me a loving nudge, I will take her for a walk later, but even that is horrible, when you walk along and see couples, or families together, I feel all alone. I have read your book 'Kate and Emily' before I separated. I am sure there are others feeling like me, but it is just getting to meet them, I am not the sort of person to feel courageous enough to start a group in my area.
Dee
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I recognise so many of
I recognise so many of things that you have said, and one day i just got a grip of myself. Yes it was difficult at times moving on, but i had to accept it and i knew it would be a slow process.
The first things that i did was to tidy the childrens bedroom and perhaps change things around for them slightly when they were away. You end up spending so much time doing it, as you feel so proud of your children, therefore putting alot of effort into it all
Gradually i then started to go for drives to places that i alawys wanted to go to. Like you i would look at other couples and i did find that annoying, but as always you just dont know what goes on behind closed doors, so i stopped comparing.
Getting in touch with friends that you never had time for was the thing that helped me the most and at first invited people around to mine, so i felt safe and then started to venture out to theirs.
The end result was that i felt refreshed and more content, ready to deal with the children when they came back from seeing their mum. One hint though is not to make your weekend sound so exciting to the children, as the children then possibly feel jealous and then do not want to go, the next weekend. It caused me alot of problems as she felt i was encouraging them not to see her!
Hi Dee Feeling alone is
Hi Dee
Feeling alone is really difficult and 'joining in' when you don't like it can be so hard and the spiral down can be a pig to shake off . Perversly if I am flat when the weather is good and can smell the BBQ's I imagine the world is having a party and i am the only one not invited !! I think th best definition of lonliness is of being on your own when you don't want to be , you don't want to be with your ex but you do need to find people to be with when you are on your own to have fun with and do things together. As you have read the book I am sure you know what I am going to say !!!!!
No its not about starting single parents groups or joining them i have long ago realised that you have to be pretty brave to go down that route but it is about poking your head ever so gently above the parapet and getting a social life going around yourself and your free time that includes your type of thing and your vibe. i am a great one for book clubs in 4 at the last count and if I werent I would join the local library one but you are you make a note of what you like doing art , yoga , walking, whatever and then start joining in . go to the local library and see what is on , what takes your fancy , try and plan weeekends arrange a dog walk and a pic nic ahead of time , volunteer to help a local group . Get involved and join in . It is hard I know but invite people neighbours in for a drink whatever , somehow you have to reach out to other people and learn to be comfortable in your own skin with what you have .Stop looking at other people and what you imagine they have but focus on what you have and try to build an extension onto that for yourself when you have time from the children . I know it is hard and it is a natural phase you are going through but do take time to do the MOT in the you chapter and work out how your yourself could feel better and then make some bite sized changes to improve your score .
Would love to know how you get along
All the best
Kate