Kate & Emily

Thankyou so much this makes most of the situation so much clearer to what i have to do to help mine and my mums relationship so thankyou both so much and plus i will realise to appreciate she has apoint of veiw to so once again thankyou both kate and emily

Hello

It does sound as though things are quite stressy . When things are calm why not make your Mum a cup of tea and sit down for a proper conversation. You love each other and probably upset each other from time to time , normal so far , what you neeed to be clear about is what are the points that make situations spiral out of control and agree to only talk about those things when you are not tired, busy , hassled and so on.

Your Dad may not be perfect and he may have given your mum a hard time but he is your Dad and I don't think it is unreasonable to ask your mother not to say anything negative about him to you. Quite understandably it feels uncomfortable .

Find something you like doing together , whether it is the x factor , playing cards , cooking a meal or watching a film and set aside a little bit of time to just be calm with each other tell her you love her , tell her you are worried about your relationship , put out an olive branch and ask her to help you as a pair work at getting along a bit better.

Good luck

Kate

OK, I'm a 43 old so I'm giving you my view based on my memory of being 16 - I fought with my parents, most of my friends did. Looking back I think I was fighting them because I was beginning to build my own views on life and what I wanted to do and how I wanted to live.  I know that to leave home and become independant children have to move out of home and build their own and often that process can start before you're actually ready to leave home for good.  Now that leads to fights!  So what I'm saying is that having arguments with your mum is normal, most children do argue with parents (it happens at 43!!), but at 16 you're old enough to  also take a grown up view so this is what I think you should do -1) describe the life you'd like.  Write it down.  To help you do it imagine what you'd like to be doing in a year's time, the job you'd like, the college you'd liek to be at, the person you'd like to be, the relationships you'd like to have with family and friends, what you'd like to do that would be good for you, good for your family.  What would  make you feel proud of yourself?  What would you like to do to make your mum feel proud of you?

Then... more writing and thinking I'm afraid... write down the things that describe your mum and how you feel about her (both the good, and the things that make you argue, or you don't like) and then write the same thing about your dad (good and the things that you argue about or don't like).  Then of course do the same for you - write the things that you like about you and the things you don't like. 

Now look at all the lists and see if the way forward for you and your family shines through.  Focus on the good things and tell yourself that this is your family and realise how great it is.  Then look at the bad stuff and see if there's anything you can change or do to make the bad things better (don;t worry if there isn't as not everything is in your power to change!).  Then sit down with your mum and show her your lists and share your hopes and dreams.  Ask for her help to acheive them and to make sure that any worries or bad bits are shared and talked about, as often it takes an older person's view to see an answer as we've been around a bit longer and come across other examples of how people do things and what works and what doesn't. 

Don;t worry - you won't loose your mum (I was shocking and I haven't lost mine).  No-one can cope on their own and manage everything that gets thrown at them - I still need my parents and I'm old, so you definately need yours and don't need to manage on your own!  So think through ti all quietly yourself, write it down and then talk to her.  Lots and lots of luck Emily