Kate & Emily

Email to friend

I think in our heart of hearts, whoever did what to whom, when, why or where, we all know that in order for the children to grow into well rounded adults it is a good idea for them to have a relationship with both mother and father. As the adults we have to encourage it and make it happen. This section of the site is aimed at creating a workable plan for both parents to buy-in to so that this can be achieved.

BUT FIRST, HERE'S SOME CLAPTRAP:

• If we can’t function as a couple we can’t co-parent either
• If we could co-parent we wouldn't have split up in the first place
• When my partner left they gave up the right to be part of this family

   

HERE ARE SOME HOME TRUTHS:

• Your child is 50% you, 50% their other parent and there is nothing that will ever alter this
• By not doing you’re best to let the children have some understanding of, and relationship with, both parents you are likely to undermine the view they have of themselves
• Your relationship may have altered with the other parent but your child’s should not suffer
• It's the adults who split up from each other, it's not the children's argument

  We do want to stress that whilst you may find co-parenting hard (and at times you may find it impossible), as well as the whole situation not feeling fair....It will be worth it in the end, and you can make such a big difference to your children and how you feel.  Just do it! 

  We hear you all say 'yeh but... no... but..., I'm different, you don't know what she did / how he behaved / what they said..etc etc.' But we DO know: everyone can say something like that, and claim to be the one that co-parenting won't work for.  However, co-parenting is not about saying what happened is OK. Your relationship with the other parent is changed forever now, so this is about finding a NEW way to work together because you should for the children. Plus it'll make life a heck of a lot easier for yourselves.

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• Do plough on through our co-parenting plan that you'll find in this section under worksheets.  It is a bit wordy but pick out the bits that strike a cord with you and create your own way of co-parenting. Pick out even the smallest things you can do. The co-parenting form may seem odd and quirky at first so either use it as a blue print for yourself or, if you are that type, work out one that suits you 2 better with the children’s other parent.   The sooner you can ditch the old 'single parenting' label and adopt the 'co-parenting' label so much the better for everyone.
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• The very first step is to sort out your relationship with the other parent. Try to avoid the trap, which many people seem to fall in to, that a working relationship with the their ex is an impossibility. Many times we hear people say something along the lines of.. “If I had been able to be civil or even friendly then we would still be together'  This is, we believe, a cop-out. You see, there is a world of difference between co-workers, friends and acquaintances and indeed every one else on the planet, and you and a partner. A successful partnership is wonderful, great, challenging and intense. Just because this is no longer possible between the 2 of you doesn't mean that all types of lesser relationship with this person are doomed. So concentrate on creating new roles as partners in the business of bringing up the children. Becuase you share children you do still have a relationship of sorts, and it is the first step of the plan to turn that into a working relationship that you can manage and handle. This may well be an extremely hard first step and, as such, requires a bit of thought.

  When it comes to redefining your relationship try and take your ex out of the 'we were a couple' box and into a different more 'business-like' box, one that you are happy with for now, that keeps them at arms length to you so that emotions are distanced and upset is less likely to happen. With your relationship in a colder more business-like box, and by keeping one eye on your joint mission with the other parent to bring up a happy child, you should hopefully be able to stick to some sort of techniques of behaviour management that make the attainment of the goals possible.

• To get from a romantic to a business-like relationship with your ex start by thinking about a situation you have been in where you have achieved success with someone who you wouldn’t choose for a friend and with whom you needed to moderate your behaviour inorder to get the outcome that you want. For example:

  Adopting the same techniques and behaviour with your ex might work.

  MAINTAIINING A CIVIL RELATIONSHIP

  It goes without saying that the fact that you have a history with this other person (in addition to experiencing anger and other negative feelings) may make this a bit of a challenge. But if you carefully work out a code of conduct you should be able to desensitise the situation over time. Remember, this person cannot be fired or relocated, you cannot change this ‘doctor’ or move to a new school, so it is important not stray into areas that you know (or suspect might) make things difficult for you and your ex to continue co-parenting together in a business like relationship.

  It would be our top tip to maintain the code of conduct that you decide on yourself for as long as possible, as even many years down the line resentment and anger can still be lurking quite close to the surface and it is surprisingly easy to undo all your good work by falling into a false sense of security and daring to stray into danger areas, such as chewing over the history of your failed relationship.

  This is not about making you like or respect your co parent as a partner but accepting that you have to work together as parents for the sake of the children.

  A CODE OF CONDUCT

  The purpose of creating your own code of conduct is to help you to keep this new artificial relationship within acceptable boundaries and to keep dialogue focussed on the children, businesslike and direct. When filling out the code of conduct worksheet consider the details of your lives that are no longer relevant. Inappropriate topics of conversation may include:

  Be realistic, be flexible, be kind, be supportive.

  WHAT IF THE OTHER PARENT DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY BALL?

  If your co parent is not willing to do this-  fine, bat on alone. It will give you a feeling of control and the benefits to the children will be so great. It is also highly likely that the consequences of your behaviour will rub off, and you will to some extent be leading by example. We have met one person who has set up her parameters of behaviour and when engaging with the co parent imagines being filmed for a promotional video as it keeps her behaving well! It may seem very strange at the outset but give yourself regular reviews and hopefully it will get easier, less awkward and more natural.

  AGREE ON WHATEVER YOU CAN

  Every family's co-parenting plan and agreed code of conduct  will be different and there are likely to be issues you cannot agree on, so maybe put them to one side whilst you score some easy wins by agreeing as much as you can. Here are a few ideas of the types of topics that we think of as being bleeding obvious easy wins:

  • Your Doctor
  • A colleague
  • Traffic warden
  • Your child’s teacher
  • Customer services
  • What you have been up to
  • Your thoughts
  • Your feelings
  • The past
  • Your ex relationship
  • Do not critisise or be disparaging about the other parent
  • Agree to be kind about each other in front of the children
  • Handle all disagreements away from the children
  • Do not ask your children to take sides, however subtle
  • Do not grill your children in a nosey way about the lives of their other parent
  • Don’t burden the children with details of your separation
  • Do not use the children as messengers and especially, never ever with regard to money
  • Encourage your children’s relationship with both sets of grandparents
  • Be flexible. If things change, for whatever reason, let the other parent know at the earliest opportunity by email,text, whatever.

    BUILDING UP TRUST

    Try, try, try, try and do not lie. The real success behind a co parenting plan is to build up some trust in this one common area of your lives. If you can’t do a weekend, a particular pick up time etc  then tell the truth when you explain why, a little bit of flexibility and understanding (on both sides!) will go along way. Though it goes without saying that if you take advantage of this flexibility you may jeopardise goals.

     WRITING A PLAN

    Establishing good communication with your co parent is one of the best things that you can do for your children. The better the plan, the more detail incorporated in it and the more you stick to it, the less need there is for communication and hence the less the scope for unpleasantness. The plan starts with 'Objectives', which is somewhere to write a bit of a  reminder as to why you are doing this, as well as some short term issues that might need a bit of extra effort. Agree a method, time and frequency of communicating on a regular basis or in an emergency that is likely to work.

  • CHILDREN SEEING THE OTHER PARENT

    Agree the importance of yourchildren seeing the other parent and help each other to make them work, even if the children are reluctant.  Cast them in stone by setting dates well in advance and ensuring the children are in no doubt what their schedule is. Set out in stone for a block of say 6 months what the ideal schedule of visits might be. Additional detail you might include is:

  • Agree a pick up time and a drop off time, or time they're going to come round and visit
  • As soon as you know that there may be problems communicate with the other parent
  • Agree a method of communication e.g. e mail
  • Agree handover method and time
  • Make a plan for the whole year with regard to big events such as Holidays, Christmas, Birthdays and School functions.

    AREAS OF COMMON PARENTING:

    Discipline Try and agree a basic strucure and discipline regime that you can both carry out and back each other up on. Do not make the other parent responsible for carrying out your punishments. Take the position that just as you do not want your ex interfering in the children's lives with you, it is important to give their other parent the same respect.