Relationship Breakdown ~ what are the options?

This was written for us by Helen Adam of Family Mediation in Wandsworth (020 3087 2836)

When a couple decides to separate, there are various choices they can make about the way in which they do so. Normally, there are issues to be agreed over arrangements for the children and finance. Certainly as far as the finances are concerned, it is important to obtain legal advice. However that does not mean the couple has to become automatically locked into an adversarial court process.

The marriage or relationship may be over – but that does not mean that any decisions concerning this family should be automatically delegated to outsiders (lawyers and judges). The couple can still make good decisions for their future, usually with some expert help from outsiders. Just because the relationship has failed does not mean they are incapable of finding the best way forward for them and their children. The question for the couple is: ‘To what extent do we want to hand over decisions concerning our future to outsiders?’

My situation may be different from many as I made the conscience decision to bring up my son in a lone parent house hold. The woman leaving the man, I had to leave the family home, find elsewhere to live etc etc it was all very role reversal. There were no other people involved, it was based purely on the fact that I was deeply deeply unhappy and had to make a positive step to change where my life was heading. I knew my happiness would directly affect my son’s happiness and vise versa. What I found out during this transitional phase in my life and that is exactly what it was when I look back at it now, i morphed into what it was I needed to be and so changed the way i worked, thought, lived and acted to accommodate this new and sometimes overwhelming responsibility in life. I went through an incredibly dark period whilst on that journey and suffered with depression, very low self esteem and my confidence suffered for a while. But I did come out the other side, more positive, a little bruised maybe, a lot lot stronger and with a well balanced child who has two parents who love him dearly. I’m definitely wiser and of course the reason for it all, so much happier in life.

Helping couples to reach agreement - How mediation works when families split

Almost always, problems are best solved when people talk. But, sometimes, you need a helping hand.

When relationships break down emotions run high, and talking face-to-face can seem like the hardest thing to do. Sometimes, you need a hand to help get the talking started and focus on what really matters to you. That’s where mediation comes in.

Mediation is a process to help couples who have decided to separate or divorce to talk things through. Mediators are trained to help you reach agreement about how to make the best arrangements for the future. This may be about the way the children are cared for, or how finances will be organised.

Right let's cut to the chase, we do have friends and we do have family just as I am sure you do. The trouble with them is they are not single parents. To be honest it takes one to know what you are banging on about. My wonderful gang have zippo experience and to be quite honest I think that they get most of their advice etc from a combination of Coronation Street, Woman's Hour and The Daily Mail a worrying combo at the best of times!! There has come a point when you want to shout 'no you don't know, you just think you do. Pete playing golf alot, or travelling with work etc etc etc is not the same.' The freaky part is that we find that many many people feel different and most don't particularly like the feeling. Emilia has done some co ordinating of some of the things people have said to us. As she says ...........

Single parents often say they feel something that encapsulates some or all of the following. Loneliness, isolation, and generally just a bit different to everyone else.

This feeling alone business needs to delved about a bit for moving on purposes. Clearly you are not alone, you have the children yeh but no but not an adult, I hear you wail.

Well maybe the adult you previously lived with was not your ideal companion, kindred and conversationalist if you are honest so that category doesn’t count either!

Actually you probably have lots of friends and family or maybe even a small family far away and just one or two friends fear not quality not quantity. So what is this feeling all about?