Mums and Dads if you do only one thing READ THIS, it may make sense of what co parenting actually is

Co-parenting

I think in our heart of hearts, whoever did what to whom, when, why or where, we all know that in order for the children to grow into well rounded adults it is a good idea for them to have a relationship with both mother and father. As the adults we have to encourage, make and force it to happen.

This section of the site is aimed at creating a workable plan for both parents to buy into so that this can be achieved.

HERE'S SOME CLAPTRAP:

  • If we can’t function as a couple we can’t do this
  • If we were able to do this we would not have split up
  • When my spouse left they gave up the right to be part of this family


    HERE ARE SOME HOME TRUTHS:

  • Your child is 50% you, 50% their other parent there is nothing that will ever alter this.
  • By not doing you’re best to let the children have some understanding, relationship, love etc of both halves you are likely to undermine the view they have of themselves.
  • Your relationship may have altered with the other parent but your child’s should not suffer
  • Children can’t be divorced (though I think a child once divorced his parents in a film! a couple of years ago)

    We do want to stress that whilst you may find it hard, and at times you may find it impossible and that the whole situation may not feel fair....It will be worth it in the end, and you can make such a big difference.Just do it!

    I hear you all 'yeh but no but, I'm different, you don't know what she did / how he behaved / what they said..etc etc.' But we do know, everyone can say something like that, and claim to be the one co-parenting won't work for. However, co-parenting is not about saying what happened is OK. Your relationship with the other parent is changed forever now, so this is about finding a way to work together because you should for the children, and to make life a heck of a lot easier for yourselves.

    Do plough on through the plan, it is a bit wordy, pick out the bits that strike a cord with you and create your own modus operandi. Pick out even the smallest thing you can do. It may seem odd and quirky at first so either use it as a blue print for yourself or, if you are that type, work it out with the children’s other parent The sooner you can ditch the old 'single parenting' label and adopt the 'ouble parenting' label so much better for everyone.

    The very first step is to sort out your relationship with the other parent. Try to avoid the trap, which many people seem to fall into, that a working relationship with the other parent is an impossibility. Many times we hear people say something along the lines of..

    “If I had been able to be civil or even friendly then we would still be together' This is, I believe, a cop out. You see, there is a world of difference between co-workers, friends and acquaintances and indeed every one else on the planet, and a partner. A successful partnership is wonderful, great challenging and intense. Just because this is no longer possible it does not mean that all types of lesser relationship with this person are doomed. Create new roles as partners in the business of bringing up the children.

    If you share children you do still have a relationship of sorts, and it is the first step of the plan to turn that into a working relationship that you can manage and handle. This may well be an extremely hard first step and, as such, requires a bit of thought.

    When it comes to redefining your relationship try and put your co parent in a different box, one that you are happy with now. Further down the road your relationship may well evolve into a genuine friendship but do not hurry yourselves or force it.

    You know that you have a joint mission and common goals and hopefully by keeping one eye on these then you can stick to some sort of techniques of behaviour management that make the attainment of the goals possible.

    Think about a situation you have been in where you have achieved success with someone who you wouldn’t choose for a friend and with whom you needed to moderate your behaviour inorder to get the outcome that you want. For example:

  • Your Doctor
  • A colleague
  • The milkman
  • Your child’s teacher
  • Customer services

    Adopting the same techniques and behaviour with your ex might work.

    MAINTIAINING A CIVIL RELATIONSHIP

    It goes without saying that the fact that you have a history with this other person (in addition to maybe anger and other negative feelings) may make this a bit of a challenge. But if you carefully work out a code of conduct you should be able to desensitise the situation over time. Remember, this person cannot be fired or relocated to another division, you cannot change this ‘doctor’ or move to a new school so it is important not stray into areas that you know or suspect may make things difficult.

    It would be my top tip to maintain the code of conduct that you decide yourself for as long as possible, as even many years down the line resentment and anger can still be lurking quite close to the surface and it is surprisingly easy to undo all your good work, by falling into a false sense of security and daring to stray into danger areas, such as chewing over the history of your failed relationship. This is not about making you like or respect your co parent as a partner but accepting that you have to work together as parents for the sake of the children.

    A CODE OF CONDUCT

    The purpose of creating your own code of conduct is to help you to keep this new artificial relationship within acceptable boundaries and to keep dialogue focussed on the children, businesslike and direct. When filling out the code of conduct worksheet consider the details of your lives that are no longer relevant. Inappropriate topics of conversation may include:

  • What you have been up to
  • Your thoughts
  • Your feelings
  • The past
  • Your ex relationship

    Be realistic, be flexible, be kind, be supportive.

    WHAT IF THE OTHER PARENT DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY BALL?

    If your co parent is not willing to do this fine, bat on alone. It will give you a feeling of control and the benefits to the children will be so great. It is also highly likely that the consequences of your behaviour will rub off, and you will to some extent be leading by example. We have met one person who has set up her parameters of behaviour and when engaging with the co parent imagines being filmed for a promotional video! It may seem very strange at the outset but give yourself regular reviews and hopefully it will get easier, less awkward and more natural.

    AGREE ON WHATEVER YOU CAN

    Every family's plan will be different and there are likely to be issues you cannot agree on, so maybe put them to one side whilst you score some easy wins by agreeing as much as you can. Here are a few ideas of the types of topics that I think of as being bleeding obvious easy wins:

  • Do not critisise or be disparaging about the other parent
  • Agree to be kind about each other in front of the children
  • Handle all disagreements away from the children
  • Do not ask your children to take sides, however subtle
  • Do not grill your children in a nosey way about the lives of their other parent
  • Don’t burden the children with details of your separation
  • Do not use the children as messengers and especially, never ever with regard to money
  • Encourage your children’s relationship with both sets of grandparents
  • Be flexible. If things change, for whatever reason, let the other parent know at the earliest opportunity by email,text, whatever.

    BUILDING UP TRUST
    Try, try, try, try and do not lie. The real success behind a co parenting plan is to build up some trust in this one common area of your lives. If you can’t do a weekend because you want to go to a party then tell the truth, a little bit of flexibility and understanding will go along way. Though it goes without saying that if you take advantage of this flexibility you may jeopardise goals.

    WRITING A PLAN
    Establishing good communication with your co parent is one of the best things that you can do for your children. The better the plan, the more detail incorporated in it and the more you stick to it, the less need there is for communication and hence the less the scope for unpleasantness.

    The plan starts with Objectives, which is somewhere to write a bit of a woolly reminder as to why you are doing this as well as some short term issues that might need a bit of extra effort.

    Agree a method, time and frequency of communicating on a regular basis or in an emergency that is likely to work. Try and be regular, even if you have a one sided 30 second link up on the phone or bang out a couple of lines on an email keeping in touch often and little is a good idea.

    VISITS
    Agree the importance of visits and help each other to make them work, even if the children are reluctant. Cast them in stone by setting dates well in advance and ensuring the children are in no doubt what their schedule is. Set out in stone for a block of say 6 months what the ideal schedule of visits might be. Additional detail you might include is:

  • Agree a pick up time and a drop off time
  • As soon as you know that there may be problems communicate with the other parent
  • Agree a method of communication e.g. e mail
  • Agree handover method and time
  • Make a plan for the whole year with regard to big events such as Holidays, Christmas, Birthdays and School functions.

    AREAS OF COMMON PARENTING

    Discipline
    Try and agree a basic strucure and discipline regime that you can both carry out and back each other up on. Do not make the other parent responsible for carrying out your punishments.

    Take the position that just as you do not want your ex interfering in the children's lives with you, it is important to give their other parent the same respect.

    • ( categories: Articles | Co-Parenting )