Dear Kate & Emily,

I hope you can help me.... It's my birthday coming up and I'm excited, as I love birthdays! I want my children to give me something, and make a card and a fuss of me! BUT, they're with their Dad on my birthday weekend and I'm really not convinced he's in the mood to remember, or to be too bothered about sorting something out. Am I showing a rather unpleasant spoilt side to me by even worrying about it? I should be more grown-up shouldn't I? If I'm not - then how can I make sure the children do something, without it being me who organises my own birthday cards?

In anticipation,

Worried of Wandsworth

Dear Worried,

Lets not beat about the bush, every family needs its high days and holidays to celebrate and, most certainly, one of those should be Mum’s birthday. This is an annual day that should be marked with joy and merriment for you, for the kids and for the family as a whole.

Whilst the children will need assistance with the plans when they are small, by the time they are getting towards the top of primary school children should be able to plan and execute something themselves for your anniversaire. Nice kids need to be able to give, take, say thank you, appreciate what other people are doing for them, and understand the meaning of reciprocity at least to some extent. You do not want them to treat you like a doormat, taking you for granted, and never thinking about you and your feelings. As my wise ma says ‘you put yourself at the bottom of the pile and that is where the children will leave you’.

Whilst children are pretty hot when it comes to receiving, they will probably need a little help when it comes to giving. They may need some practical help making an offering or card. If they want to buy something for you they will have no dosh (unless they have a paper round or similar). So money needs to be supplied as well as help with making the purchases. When they are old enough it may be an idea to include an amount in their pocket money for present buying so they get into the saving habit, planning and buying

However, until the time comes when they can be left to sort it out alone my top tip is to get Dad to help the children. If you are sorting it out yourself, or giving them money specifically for your present, the whole object of the exercise is defeated. If there is no Dad, or it is beyond him, then enlist the help of another adult who can help and scheme with the children.

But do try to agree as parents the importance of marking both Mum’s and Dad’s birthdays and emphasise that all children need to be taught to give, say thank you and share and put both parents at the top of the pile from time to time. This will make them feel they have done a nice thing for you, and make them feel good about themselves. It is vital that exactly the same procedure is followed for both parents’ birthdays and also at Christmas.

Obviously it is not about you getting a good present but them giving you a good present (if money’s an issue give their Dad £20 to do it. The present doesn’t have to be bought but realistically speaking this is the easy option. Point Dad in the direction of ‘Brush and Bisque-it’ or a similar pottery / art workshop -they are everywhere and open on Saturday mornings. Children love to get it right, or at least believe they have got it right.

Personally my situation is such that I go for the blunt option. I have found some very heavy hints is the right way forward e.g. take kids into Jo Malone (it’s a great place to spend half an hour anyway) and repeatedly tell them what you like, or else give them a catalogue with what you would like identified!

Worried, it is most certainly not about you, and you are far from spoilt. Remember, not only is it indeed nice to be spoilt it is also great to be the person or child doing the spoiling. so it is you who are depriving your children if you don’t let them give you a good birthday.