My husband and I split up earlier this year and whilst I am now more relaxed about our child-sharing arrangements and the split in general, I find myself becoming increasingly unhappy with some friends (whom I'd considered to be closer to me than him)inviting us both to parties/nights out because they feel awkward about leaving him out. Logically I know this is selfish of me but I don't seem to be able to stop feeling hurt and end up shooting myself in the foot by not going...Should I just try and cultivate a new group of friends or talk to my them and tell them how I feel?
Miseryguts
Dear Miseryguts,
I know where you're coming from in that my friends still keep in touch with my ex too and I find him at parties as well. However, I view the fact that our friends (because they are his as much as mine really) feel able to invite us both to the same thing as a huge triumph and a great reflection on how grown-up me and my ex must have been about our split (in public at least!). However, I haven't been invited to small affairs where he's been like dinner parties - usually party parties and I chat to him for awhile before finding others to talk to because it's nice to have a social chat and a joke with him, and remind myself that the person married is really a decent cove, which is a welcome feeling as usually all our other conversations are more serious and business-like. Then I find that having felt a bit fed up that he'd be there, in fact I don't mind at all. I have to remind myself that I'd rather friends felt able to look after the both of us rather than we'd put them in a position of having to choose, or feel bad. But you must go to these parties (assuming they're big enough for you to do a bit of social chit chat if you feel like it, and then move to another, room or find another group of people to talk to). I suppose I'd only go to parties where I know other mates'll be, biggish ones where I can circulate and just get on with being out and about and partying!

Would I tell my friends how I feel about it? Well I wouldn't, but then the old girl's always telling me that I should share more so I might be wrong! But if your aim's to make sure your friends feel comfortable and not caught in the middle I wouldn't - though everyone needs 1 or 2 very close friends you can tell your inner most thoughts to so off load to one of them, but make sure it's only 1 or 2! I hope this helps a bit - I'll get Kate to read it and see if she agrees.
Time to cheer up Miseryguts and go the parties - invitations'll dry up soon and you'll have missed out on lots of entertainment. We all need our old friends as well as new ones.

Hi
The issue of friends is so big and thorny and soooooooooo recurrent , that I am in the process of writing a meaty piece on the subject.

re Your specific issue I think slightly differently to Emily.

Point1 You and your ex are still at the early stages of separation , it sounds like you have made great strides in the co parenting department , and it is most important to keep on an even keel with him so that that works. There is a chance that this may be thrown off track if you socialise with him , have a bev or two , get cross and etc etc etc . So do bear that in mind .You are at the beginning of the process of redefing your relationship and this takes time . Only you know if you can go that next step and socialise successsfully , but don't run before you can walk .
Point 2 You are still in the early stages of separation and you are probably trying hard to restabilise yourself in every department , I personally would have found it unsettling to be socialising with my ex at this point.I can do all sorts of stuff now , but I think to took a good 3 years.
Point 3 Yes indeed I would have a word with your friends , not in a whiney way in reality it doesn't matter whose friends they were first , but in a totally unpfront way ." It is still a bit raw , weve sorted the kids out well and I don't want to jeopardise it , I still feel a bit awkward , obviously I don't want to tell you who you should invite to your parties etc etc etc but could we go out on our own sometimes" . Friends quite often don't know what to do and if these are close friends to say soemthing or at least open up the conersation is I think a good idea , if they are part of a crowd you hang out with and you don't feel able to pipe up then I wouldn't go if I didn't feel comfortable. As you can tell Emily is much braver than me , also better able to control her toongue than myself !
Point 4 Yes make some new friends , I know it is hard work , but this is a turning point in your life and new friendships can be wonderful at times like this , ideas are the bulk of the reply to Billy no mates Emily is talking about .

Good luck , and when you are up to it have a party and show everyone that actually you are better form without your ex around

All the best
Kate