Do you dread the Christmas conversation that seems to start the minute the summer ends? It always seems to start off as a bit of a joke, but turns into a serious question frighteningly quickly.

For many people the whole festive season can be problematic beyond belief. The dream of a happy family supported by perfect images grinning out from the adverts, coupled with selective memories from our own childhood, can make a horrible mix. Especially when combined with the guilt that our children may not be experiencing the magic, but instead shattered dreams and painful reminders of last year or the past.

For so many people Christmas can be the most emotionally charged time. Though remember, as sure as night follows day, Christmas is coming.

So, how can the festive season be improved? Easy! Slow the whole charade down, lower the heat, manage expectations, reduce the tempo, go back to basics, and keep it simple. The family really can have a wonderful and festive time doing things slightly differently.

The frenetic monster that is the Christmas bandwagon really isn’t meant to be an ideal that so few of us (regardless of our situations) are able to live up to or even want. It wasn’t so long ago that people worked on Christmas morning, or that Father Christmas brought a tangerine, a walnut, pens, and a book. To this day my favourite festive films include ‘A wonderful life’ and ‘Little Women’. So much atmosphere so little commercialism. I may sound like a character from one of these films but I do believe (as I am sure most people do) that families, whatever their shape and whoever they include, can re-group at Christmas and remind themselves of love, security, warmth, and togetherness.

To believe that this is an impossible dream because parents are separated or apart is negative and hopeless. It may be hard I grant, particularly when emotions and feelings are raw, but the warm feelings associated with security and stability do not have to be over, forever, when families divide. There are some simple tips, which might help.

Plan
Reduce potential conflict by discussing and agreeing the plan of action well in advance and be careful to make sure every one knows where they are meant to be, with whom and doing what. Talk to the children and take their thoughts into consideration. Making arrangements clear will reduce confusion, worry and potential conflict.

Be aware of that grim trio: exhaustion, expense, and expectation. Try, and avoid the pitfalls that might accompany them. Almost too boring to write - but do plan menu’s, cook and freeze it. There, I said it!

Once you have planned, you can put the whole thing to the back of your mind. When December emerges you can join in as late as you want without having a hot flush every time you see a piece of tinsel.

Presents
As far as presents go, try and make sure expectations are managed and that everyone is aware that presents will be simple. Then make jars of pickles/sweets/biscuits for friends and other adults or create a personalised certificate offering your time or talents, buy books in second hand shops. There are many ways to give lovely gifts on a budget.

Your own children do not need a trillion expensive gifts. Agree with other family members (e.g. other parent or extend family) that there will be no outmanoeuvring on the present giving front and come to some agreements.

Be realistic
Know what you can manage and what you can’t. You might find it useful to try and look at things from the children’s perspectives. Tensions can run very high at Christmas, often fuelled by alcohol. Unless you are absolutely sure you can pull a ‘Fergie and Andrew Christmas’ off do not try it. Whilst the idea of having Mum and Dad eating the turkey together may be great in theory, remember Christmas can be stressful and the combination of pent up emotion, and emotional blow-ups are the last things needed.

If you are going to be alone
If it is your turn to be on your own, then also make plans. Maybe find other friends or family who might like to get together, or else think of something totally different like volunteering for Crisis at Christmas (go to the crisis website www.crisis.org.uk) or there is another group called time bank offering loads of different ways to volunteer at Christmas

This looks like a great way to make a difference whilst passing the day, helping others, and benefiting from a new experience. Whatever you decide to do make sure you have your plan set in advance rather than burying your head in the sand.

Create some little rituals, traditions, and memories for you and your family
Enrich your enjoyment of the season by enjoying simple things. Look at your family and think about some good cheap fun that you can have together - not things that just you want to do, or the children just want to do, but that you BOTH want to do. Make memories for the children and make it YOUR family’s Christmas. If you have smallish ones you could….