I cant believe there are so many people out there who have similar issues to myself. I have a 4 year old daugher who never met her dad until November last year. He had never wanted anything to do with either of us from the day I announced my pregnancy. I took a huge risk and let him visit and he was gone by Xmas stating "he changed his mind". Since that time I have had a lot of behavioural problems and lately she is telling staff at nursery and friends that she has been staying at daddy's house, daddy takes her to the park and many other wonderous fictional stories! She has recently attacked another child at nursery because he dared to say "you don't have a dad". Things are very hard at the moment and all the talking in the world does not seem to help. She cries alot and says "i want a mummy and a daddy" and also "why doesnt daddy come to see me anymore". It breaks my heart and I find it hard to talk without getting tearful. I am seriously considering taking her to see a child psychologist, not sure if this is a good idea or not, but being so close to this subject its impossible for me to talk to her without being emotional. I often wonder if this is adding to the situation.

If anyone has experienced anything similar please let me know. I work full time, spend my evenings feeling like a failure after yet another bad day at nursery and wonder where my life has gone. I have been single for almost 5 years and have little family support.

Thanks for listening, typing this was great - got something off my chest before bedtime for once!

I know it breaks your heart, but I reckon that's becuase as mum's we can be a bit too sensitive sometimes as we know the history and feel sorry for our children, so that when our child calls other people daddy it makes us really upset for them. But I have a feeling that it's less about how sad the child is about not seeing their dad and more about them just being confused about the world and how things work and trying to make sense of it! I'm no child expert but I've heard other mums say that their children have done the same as Shay at similar ages. I even remember my son saying it to someone who wasn't his dad when we were still living together as a family with his real dad! From what I've heard I'd say that the best way of handling it is to have photos of his real dad and to show him those, tell him about his dad so that his dad becomes a real person in his head as he'll have a picture of him and know about him - what he likes doing, what characteristics of his that Shay has inherited etc.

Then when Shay calls someone else Dad just treat it lightly - you'll look back and think that it's just something that he used to do when he was a toddler! If you're worried that he's looking for a daddy and how to behave then mix with other families and let him see dads in action and enjoy boy-like rough and tumble. Tell him what a nice man the bloke at Macdonalds was - how kind he was to Shay, helpful - or whatever he was, so that you're teaching Shay examples of good man behaviour.

I hope this all helps and puts your mind at rest a bit? I'm sure Shay like your other 2 will grow up into a well-balanced young man,

Emily

I`m mum to Shay Paul Senior who is 2yrs n 7 months, he goes to full time private nursery, while i work full-time. When i told Shay`s dad i was expecting, there no indication from him that this would be an unwanted child, we continued the relationship until he was 6 months old. Had i known then what i know now, the relationship would`ve ended before the pregancy began. There has been little contact, through his fathers choice, as it stands he hasn`t seen him for 9 months now.
Shay already is asking about daddies, because he`s sees his friends at nursery Daddies picking them up, which has lead on to instances of Shay, randomaly calling male strangers `dad`, especaily ones with childern, i was even approached by staff at the nursery, to inform me, he`d begun calling another child`s father Daddy as they had similar looks. I`ve tried to explain that all Men aren`t daddies, distracted him, but at the MacDonalds drive thro, the assistant left his till area, to which Shay asked me, `where`s the daddy gone?` to which i replied `Shay`s thats a man, he isnt your daddy` to which my 2 and half year old son then asked me `where is my daddy?` How could i answer? What is the best way to answer a 2 yr old?? My heart is breaking because this didnt happened with my older two sons, who, have a father that loves them, which makes this especilay difficult, i`ve also had instances when he has called his 14 yr old brother Dad, i could continue all day, what the point. This is just the beginging of the questions from Shay.

Being in this situation, I fully understand how difficult it is, it is still quite raw for me, and my little boy is just coming upto 3mths old.
I have tried to establish contact with my babys father, but he just ignores me, and I recently sent a Father's Day card, and that went ignored too, it is very difficult, as I find it really hard to deal with the fact that he can be so callous towards his own flesh and blood, and it worries me what a hard hearted person that just doesn't care.
I have just resigned myself to the fact that I cannot make him see our son, and to be honest. I just enjoy each day with my son now, and cherish them, afterall his Daddy is the one missing out, and having tried contact, attempts at getting him to go to mediation, texts, cards etc, I seriously feel I have done all I possibly can, and will explain this to my little boy when he is at an age to understand and deal with it.

Just to say that I am in this position too. I have a lovely 9 month old baby girl. My relationship with my daughter's father ended during my pregnancy. Towards the end of the pregnancy I attempted to establish some sort of contact with my ex in order to discuss his 'role' in the baby's life. He totally ignored my calls and hung up on me when I called him 2 hours after giving birth to inform him that we have a gorgeous baby girl. It is only since making a CSA application that there has been any contact (he contacted me begging me to call off the CSA).
Although he has (reluctantly) met my daughter 3 times now, he has kept meetings brief and I have finally accepted that he is not interestred in this parenting role. It hurts like mad knowing that I cannot protect my baby from this void in her life; the absence of a father. However I also know, cliche as it may sound, that I have an abundance of love for her which I hope will more than compensate. I just dread the day when she asks me where her daddy is and why he is not around.

Dear Kate and Emily,

I was married for several years, fell pregnant, husband abandoned me and unborn baby.

Heard nothing from him for several years since the birth of my child. I received a solicitors letter insisting he got a contact order. It appears that this contact order is to aid immigration problems. I feel strongly this is not a genuine request for contact, I feel my case is unique and would like to hear if there are others in a similar situation.
From Elizabeth Smith

I think you're right to focus on the positives of what you do have and I like the way you 'measure' family - but I would have an eye to the not too distant future when she MAY want to meet him. I'd keep tabs on where he is, or how to get hold of him or his family if it comes up. You may think he's unsavoury but she is half hom, so you don't want her thinking that, or that there's a chance she's 'bad' becuase he is. It's a fine line between being truthful about your view of him, and allowing your child a nice picture of her dad.

I am in the same situation with my 4.5 yo daughter. Her father stopped showing any interest after she was 6 months old. He is a very unsavory character so I have not actively pursued contact. Now that she has started asking about him, I am honest with her about my feelings- I tell her that I want nice people around her and that he is not a nice man - and then try my best to divert the conversation. I talk about the family we do have- my parents and siblings in the US- and the circle of friends we have here. I also say that a family is measured by the amount of love you have not the number of people around. I do try to get across that she and I are a team and that I will do everything in my power to encourage and support her. To be honest, I don't know if this satisfies her- probably not.
I don't think there will ever be an easy way to deal with this subject in our family. If nothing else, I want my daughter to know that my love for her is constant.

I have just read this and it is really encouraging as it reinforces most of what I am doing. I will have a look for the book you mentoned and give it a go. Tom is desparate to hold his dads hand and has this image of perfect daddy which is hard to take sometimes but it will not be me who destroys this image but i do try to be as honest aspossible. Thanks again for your help. Sue

Hi Im Sue and am new to this forum. I am mum to Tom who is 5 and that all important 1/2! We have always been a duo, I havent seen his dad since I was 3 months pregnant, I wont say the last 6 yrs have been easy as it hasnt but it most certainly has been the most wonderful 6 yrs of my life. Tom is a bright, happy well adjusted little fella who everyone loves but with this he is emotionally very aware and sensitive and consequently has been asking questions about his dad. I have been honest with him and have never avoided the questions or said bad things about his dad and it is always an open topic. I eventually contacted the CSA as it was my only way of contacting him hoping it would prompt him to make contact with Tom but he just demanded DNA test which was not nice for me but Tom is unaware of. Now I wish I hadnt bothered as much as I could do with the money it wasnt about that. Then Tom came home with a letter he had written at school to his dad begging him to come home. He is desparate to meet him and says it makes him miserable, but it looks unlikely to happen. I am so aware of how important it is to get this right but just dont know if I am handlingit right. It is so reassuring to hear others are in the same boat although I am sorry for you too as it is heartbreaking to be unable to protect him from this. Any suggestions or ideas? Thanks Sue & Tom xx

Thankyou for your kind reply.

It really is so hard. I can see no way around that being in this situation is in some way going to hurt the child you want so badly to protect.

I do think the truth is the right thing to tell her and emphasise what she does have but I know she will have times when she feels upset by all this.

Thankyou for your support though.

Lily, my eldest daughter's father has never been around. She's 19 now, and we went through more or less exactly what you're describing. I was amazed, because I'd always thought that this was a situation that wouldn't arise until she was much older and so while I had answers prepared, they weren't answers that a 3 year old could ever understand.

I told her that her Daddy lived in Africa (which he did) and that he hadn't been ready to have a baby, so he and Mummy had never lived together. I told her that everybody in the family loved her very much, and her Daddy was a kind man who liked to help children in Africa (he worked for Save The Children).

That (and variations on that theme) kept her happy for a couple of years, but by the time she was 5ish she really wanted to meet him. So I wrote to him, and he was keen too. They met a few times, and he took her on some trips to the zoo etc. with his partner. Unfortunately, his partner wasn't ready to take on a stepchild and so the visits stopped.

I'm not sure I handled the situation very well, but I know that it meant the world to my daughter just to know who her father is. She very rarely talks about him now, and if asked just shrugs and says she'll maybe go and look for him when she's ready to have children of her own. But since that six month period, she has photos and memories of her father and that seems to have been good enough for her.

She's at Uni now, and the photos are prominently displayed above her desk in her room, alongside photos of me and her younger brother and sister.

(((hugs))) for you: it's very hard, isn't it?

Thankyou so much for your reply Kate.

Its never a situation I expected to be in and I have so much enjoyed her taking our little family just as it is while she has been young.

It has been a little daunting now that she is now starting to ask questions and I do not want her not to feel we cannot talk about it, but I want to be sure I have the best responses and support I can give her so your advice will be helpful.

I will look into the book.

Your are right, it would be interesting to see how parents with donor children manage, even though this is not my situation.

Neither of us is in this situation but we’ve met several people who are. But the Mums we have met who are are amongst the absolute diamond , greatest. We encountered one situation where a boy of 10 got to.. talk about Dad ask questions about his unknown Dad , a subject so dear to him which he thought was a taboo subject and that would upset his Mum… but he so wanted to explore all of this and get it out in the open . When he did the relief was enormous and emotional

You see there’s a natural, deep-rooted urge in all of us to know where we come from. This means that children, want to know about both parents. It doesn’t matter if they have never seen their father, or don’t even know his name – they want to know where they came from and who created them .

I am no child expert at all , but it seems that many people have built into the hard drive a desire to know about their parents. Maybe your daughter has just noticed that everyone else has a Dad even if they don't live with Mummy and she is curious. his interest will more than likely ebb and flow forever. So you do need to deal with it on an ongoing basis. But this is a big one and she really needs to be able to talk to you about such a big issue . If you are having trouble do find a family therapist in your area

We are very big on the Mum and Dad thing beliveing that children take a degree of self esteem from the reflection of their parents. That does not mean that your daughter can't get anything from Dad if he is not around physically .It is up to you to fill in the gaps so that she gets a positive though not detailed picture of her father no badmouthing Dad or suggesting he abandoned you and your daughter.

Grown-up lives and emotions are complex. looking at situations through your children’s eyes can give enormous clarity to the course of action you should take and add that with a belief that children get some reflected self esteem from how they see their parents it is a good idea that there is a reasonably OK image of Dad

The very basic rules we have learnt about communicating difficult stuff with children is a) Keep to a version of the truth b) Never let them feel responsible or to blame for the situation c)make sure they feel loved and unabandoned d) keep it gentle and age appropriate.e) keep talking and asking questions and empathaising

So adding these bits and bobs of home spun wisdom . I think...You should

Tell your daughter that she does have a Daddy over a very gentle chat with a
very vaque reason why you said he was not around if asked
Have a gentle reason for why he is not around
Have a version of your story
Tell her a few things about him, his name etc etc try and say nice, neutral things about him . This is not about letting him off but helping your daughter

And say all this is an honest sort of ‘I don't know why ‘,’sometimes it is not easy to understand what adults do ‘, he needed to be somewhere else , he doesn't know how beautiful , fantastic and so on you are and then empathaise ... you must feel sad etc etc .

And then diversion off to the Park. keep it in bite sized chunks

She needs to be able to talk to you about this , and not feel it is a taboo subject
some answers will be greatly reassuring always want to know about their dad.

These conversations will not be easy

Talk about him in a way that let’s them know it’s OK to want to know about him.
You’ll have to start the conversations.
Actively encourage their questions. Even if you don’t know the answers, at least you know what’s on their mind and can help them to deal with it.

Also
If possible try and get in touch with Dad to see if he would entertain the idea of some contact, photo , annual letter . This is about so much more than getting money if that is what frightens him

We want to urge you to gather as much information, as trivial or irrelevant as it may seem, so that if the children really want to know about him in the future you can produce something, even if it’s just a file of bits and bobs. For your part, knowing that you’ve some answers will be greatly reassuring and make your children’s job, should they wish or need to find him in the future, so much easier.

Find a book as a tool for getting your daughter to open up . I have no idea what it is like but Amazon sell one called ‘Do I have a Daddy’ I write this as often it is not what is in the book , as your daughter can’t read it will be a promt for you to open up a chat .

I would love to know what babies/ children born as a result of donor tell there children or if it is in any way relevant., anybody know ????

But remember ……Be honest …………Try and keep Dad positive Lots of self esteem
Toddlers grow up and start to work things out so prepare for this , we heard of someone who sent a birthday card to her daughter from ‘Dad’ for 14 years with explosive results when the truth came out .

Am on the case , I keep starting and losing my reply so am now feeling very irritated with this machine !!! Ever the one to work to deadlines I WILL have something up by the time I go to book club tonight