I'd love to love again but the barriers are very high

For some reason, this weekend I've been feeling very low. My four year old son saw his father this weekend. We've been divorced 6 months and separated 2 years. It would have been our fourth wedding anniversary next week, but for finding out his many affairs.

It's not really the anniversary or seeing my ex that is making me very low. I'm so scared that I'm going to grow old unloved and unable to trust anyone ever again. I really do believe that most men, given half a chance, would cheat, so half of me thinks why bother with another relationship when it is doomed to failure. But the other half would love to have someone to kiss, cuddle and love. Everywhere I look there's couples, happy families etc, it's a bit heartbreaking. I've even contemplated suicide again (first contemplated when my marriage broke up).

I can't talk to family and friends about this because I will not rely on anyone anymore. Trouble is I don't know who to speak to so this is all going round in my head and driving me crazy. Anonimity is better for me right now.

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( categories: Dear Kate & Emily )
I'm feeling redundant! I
Submitted by emily on Tue, 2008-04-08 08:29.

I'm feeling redundant! I couldn't have written better replies as I agree with all that Clarkey and Kitty have said, about how life will get better and that one day you'll be able to fully appreciate and value what you have and not what you don't. But C & K are right - it takes awhile to get there and I totally agree that this isn't a time to struggle on your own - you really do need support and encouragement and the help that a doctor / counsellor can give you. Many people in the early stages of seperation do turn to the doctor for help and advice as they find their professional advice and experience can help them through what is an incredibly difficult time. I totally understand your desire to be anonymous, lie low and keep yourself to yourself. I do the same when I feel bad. But life's full of up's and down's and I'm learning that when I'm down cutting myself off makes me feel worse and lose persepctive on my life and the things that are good in it. I make myself see people or chat on the phone and it lifts my spirits. I don't necessarily tell them what's on my mind unless I feel comfortable about it but just the chat and company makes things seem better and will always raise a smile! So my advice, to add to the very good top tips from C & K, is engage with people, chat, smile and get out in company to help take yourself out of yourself and be distracted. Then get to the doctor / counsellor for help finding a way through it all. Lots of luck and thinking of you, Emily x

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I agree wholeheartedly with
Submitted by clarkey on Mon, 2008-04-07 19:37.

I agree wholeheartedly with K. It's really hard being single even 2 years on - I am. I too am considering dating again, but really finding the time the enthusiasm and most of all the trust to do so is really hard. There's no rush though and I do think that feeling whole in yourself and your family as it is, is the place to start. For every smug married you see there are dozens in unhappy relationships and bad marriages where people stay together for the sake of the kids. THAT is not a place I want to be, now or ever.
I'm so sad to see you even contemplate suicide, it's not a way out you need, it's a way through. Your son needs you, now and tomorrow and the next day, you're his mum and you need to see him change and grow and become someone you are more and more proud of.
Go see a doctor and tell them how you feel. Or/and go see a counsellor. I've done both in the last year and ok I still have some bad days, even weeks but it has given me some tools to help me through.
Post here, have a rant, have a chat. This is by far the best site I havde found for single parents or indeed parents! I'm sure kate and emily will respond to you soon. But as k said, Hang in there and loads more hugs coming from here..x

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It isn't surprising you are
Submitted by Kitty675 on Mon, 2008-04-07 19:17.

It isn't surprising you are feeling low. Give yourself a break - it is so tough without the kids around even though it is much needed time for YOU. It has taken me nearly a year to get used to that - and still at times, it hurts. Added to that are the memories of your 4th wedding anniversary.

Sounds to me like you deserve some tlc. My top suggestions include:

1. A bottle of wine and a hot bubbly bath
2. Watching a film
3. A woodland walk - nothing better than re-connecting with nature

When I first split with my X all I saw were happy couples/families, so I do so understand. However, after time, I started looking more carefully, many of the 'happy families' were actually moaning at each other or arguing about where to go/eat etc....then I looked at my reflection. Me and my two boys - it dawned on me....we were a perfectly happy little family unit too. It was not what I had ever been dreaming of but actually, I was going to grab my life and decide to start living it again. I can honestly say that it is still hard, at times, but I am so thankful for what I DO have I am not so focused on what I do not.

As for men - I am convinced there are some lovely ones out there. I guess at the moment, I need to step back and just work out a little more about me. Learn to really embrace a very different life, decide who I am and what I like and want.

Hang on in there - sending LOTS of hugs your way

Kx

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