Oh my goodness this was like mirroring me! I was 8 months pregnant when I found out my other half was texting another women after a weekend away golfing, he then decided to tell me he had no feelings for the baby whatsoever. He swore that he wasn't having a relationship with her. We already have a 5year old daughter who he dotes on and is a really good Father too. The final month of pregnancy was horrendous he was like a different person, I didn't even want him at the birth. Anyway we had our son and after 9 stressful weeks he walked out, saying he didn't love me, had no feelings for me and hadn't done for a long time??
Same as you I felt lost, was it my fault, what had I done so wrong, did I really love him? How am I going to cope with 2 children? I don't want to be a single parent! But I am and I had to deal with it and I am not blowing my own trumpet cos other people tell me I am doing a bloody good job of it too!
Suprise suprise he is now living with the woman he wasn't having a relationship with?? Said it only started up again over Christmas 3 months after he left! But do you know what I am ok now and you will be too, I am not saying it has been easy getting here but you will and having your baby with you will give you more strength to get through this awful time. Talk to your friends and family and invite as many people as you can round to fill your days and nights, it helped me a lot having people there to talk to and cry with and believe me you will be doing a lot of that but that's good.
I can't critise my ex either he was a great bloke but I guess we just didn't fit together anymore, maybe he was never 'the one'.
He has the children some weekends and a few week nights so that gives me time on my own to do what I want to do.
Things do get easier I promise, it takes time, I still have my days but it's still early days for me too.
If you want to talk please email me I know exactly what you are going through and hopefully I can help you and give you some support.
Take care
Nicky x

Caroline,

Kate and Clarkey are right - first things first. I can feel your pain, some parts you have written sound like the pain I have gone through.

There are lots of things I am bursting to say to you, but feel it is not the right time. It is all very positive I might add.

One thing I would like to say is that from all the real life stories I have read from magazines and people I have spoken to over the years - being a mum makes you VERY much stronger, you will be surprised how much strength you will gain - although not overnight - it will come.

I too felt like you before the birth of my twins, but once I settled and I got out and started meeting people - I found a new confidence that I can honestly say I have never had before in my life. Sometimes I take a look back and say to myself - My goodness if only I could have seen how I am now, I would have saved myself all the tears, sleepless nights, pain....you name it! I would never have believed if someone would have said to me that after all I have been through since I was born to now would make me stronger and more determined later!

So if you are feeling low please talk to someone, even though the problem might not disappear overnight, just talking to someone to releases a lot of stress from within and really helps. Try to get lots of sleep and look after yourself I know its easier said than done, but the most important person to you is about to come into this world.

A big hug and a kiss from me to you. Everyone is behind you. Good luck with the birth - I will be in touch.

Dani

Dear Caroline, I read your first posting this morning and couldn't reply becuase I could feel your utter sadness. I found it even harder to respond to becuase there was no blame, no vitriol no going off the deep end - just pure sadness. I don't know how to respond to that - I think the others who have posted here have tried to give you perspective and encouragement, and advised you to take just one step at a time and focus on the baby and you. I think they're right, now is not the time for analysisng a marriage breakdown. But then I read your 2nd posting saying how you knew the other postings were right, but you felt responsible for effectively 'ruining' 3 people's lives becuase of your own selfish ideals. It's here that I began to get rattled and knew what I wanted to say to you!! I wanted to give you a very friendly (but firm!) hug and tell you you were marvellous, doing an amazing job holding it all together and that you were NOT to blame - you do NOT carry ALL the blame for this, nor all the guilt. Kate and I are very anti finger-pointing but to an outside observer I'd say this great bloke that you apparently pushed over the edge with exacting standards and demands, could have perhaps waited a few more months before making such a monumental decision and could perhaps be open to talking about it? Don't beat yourself up, neither of you have been angels from what you say. Now I agree with Kate - focus on the baby and what YOU need (it might feel selfish but it isn't, get as positive as you can so that your baby is born and held and kissed by a mummy that is so pleased to see her and has so much love and protection to give). Shut the world out (other than your support group!) and throw yourself into you 2. As Lloyd says, you need to be strong and secure in what you're doing, where you are now and what, in this new situation, works for you. If that means Dad not seeing the baby in hospital, or not sharing the first day at home, first nappy etc then that's fine - this single parent situation isn;t ideal for you and it's not ideal for him either, there's a downside for everyone. I don't mean that you should make downsides for him, just that you don't have to take all of them, you share them.

I'm sorry to be lecturing a lovley lady about to give birth with hormones all over the shop, but I can't have you beating yourself up and thinking you're the bad-guy who mucked it all up for everyone - it takes 2 to Tango. Of course your complaints feel so minor now in the face of a new baby and life without him, but at the time he DID annoy you, he DID make you feel short-changed, he WASN'T perfect otherwise you wouldn't have felt so let down and been so pushy would you? I'm sure you'll be a lovely mummy and that you'll be bringing a very lucky child into the world who clearly has a sensitive, articulate, caring, loving and thoughtful mother and a father who will also love her and be proud of her. That's not so bad is it?

Lots of love Emily (PS if you need to make for Ireland for a bit of help and TLC form your parents and family then go - that I'm afraid is one of the downsides your ex has to take - he's no longer part of your close family & friends so if you need that sort of love and support you need to go elsewhere for it)

You have spoken a great deal about blame and the future, this should not be in the forefront of your mind. Reflection is a good tool to have however in this case and at this period of time, you will not get an answer to what went wrong, but only more confusion and more upset. The only concern of yours should be the rest of the pregnancy and the birth. If you show any vulnerability to the absent parent and a degree of desperation ( though understandable), i believe this will be targeted by them. You need to be really boundaried when you see him, speak to him and at the delivery therefore Control on your part is paramount and this will give you a sense of achievement, and hopefully give you the encouragement to continue in that frame of mind for the future. A good tip is when you have to deal with a situation and are feeling nervous, anxious, angry take a deep breath in ( though dont make it obvious) and say what you want to say in a firm way, at the same time as when you are exhaling. This gives you some strength in a funny type of way!

As a male single parent of course i have not been through what you are dealing with, but i can relate to it. There are those who like to hone in on a persons vulnerability, dont allow it!

Get the support you need with the main issue, and as already suggested speak to a professional involved.

hi Caroline, I haven't read all of the above thoroughly but i wanted to send a quick note of support and from someone who has been in a similar situation not so very long ago. It is really daunting being alone after a relationship split let alone when you are pregnant too. You've made a huge leap by posting here though - you are accepting that you are entering the world of 'sole/single parenting' Kate is so right to say revisit in June, your life will probably be full of more problems but they will be different ones and by the time your baby is one year old the whole world will have changed (several times). Support is key - babies are HARD WORK nothing can prepare you for how hard, but they are also a complete meaning for your life. Do please meet as many other parents single or not (the couples are great for emergency baby sittings!) all new mums are lonely - it's natural, it is a total life change and only the support of other new mums understanding helps you retain sanity! As for your ex - keep him that way, at least long enough for you to settle into motherhood - thats a good few months of even years. A constant pain of loss is easier to cope with than a to - fro/up - down rollercoaster. Know where you stand even if it isn't where you want to be. And know that actually it does get less sharp and less daunting and sometimes you find a glimmer of surprise that actually some things are better for us sole parenters!
Good luck for the birth, I hope you get a wonderful first cuddle with your baby..x

This is where you get the homespun advice. The situation and your ex , this being nice to everyone and blaming yourself is more than you can handle and is upsetting you out and you really need to do everything you can to take the stress out of situation at least until after the baby is born and breastfeeding (top tip).
Personally I would think long and very hard, about having him in the delivery room with you. Talk to the midwife , talk to the consultant but if it was me under no circumstances would I have him in the delivery room . I will attach at the end of this a piece from an eminent consultant suggesting that Mum needs to be relaxed etc etc . This is not about not letting him in the room or punishing him , this is about doing the right thing for you and the baby . I would also, given that you have high blood pressure tell him that you don't want to have contact until the baby is born and then get yourself in a good place. The last thing you need at the moment is all this head messing stuff , carrying on as though nothing completely and utterly major has happened. It has . He is the Dad , he can be a great Dad that will be good for your daughter and something that needs to be worked at over her childhood and you can end up on reasonable terms. But now you need to stop being brave .I would talk to his mother and ask her to help you to communicate in a nice way the repercussions of the situation and that mum and baby have to come first and not stressed and it sounds like he is stressing you .Tell her that you have high blood pressure, tell her you need space , you need a calm environment and that seeing him living this new life is very very upsetting for you etc etc It is all still very early days and something very difficult has happened which will take time to get over.

Any how this is what the gynae man says about Dads in general and the points would appear to me to be exacerbated in your situation.

Dr Odent believes the participation of fathers in childbirth can have a negative effect on a newborn's delivery
But having been in charge of thousands of births, at homes, in hospitals, in the UK, in France, with the father present, with him absent, I have reached my own conclusions.
I am more and more convinced that the participation of the father is one of the main reasons for long and difficult labours. And there are a number of basic physiological reasons for this.
First, a labouring woman needs to be protected against any stimulation of the thinking part of her brain - the neocortex - for labour to proceed with any degree of ease.
This part of the brain needs to take a back seat and allow the primal "unthinking" part of the brain connected to basic vital functions to take over.
A woman in labour needs to be in a private world where she doesn't have to think or talk.
The second reason is that the father's release of the stress hormone adrenaline as he watches his partner labour causes her anxiety, and prevents her from relaxing.
No matter how much he tries to smile and appear relaxed, he cannot help but feel anxious. And the release of adrenaline is contagious.
It has been proven that it is physically impossible to be in a complete state of relaxation if there is an individual standing next to you who is tense and full of adrenaline.
The effect of this is that, with a man present, a woman cannot be as relaxed as she needs to be during labour, and hence the process becomes longer and more difficult.
We must keep in mind that mammals cannot release oxytocin - the key hormone in childbirth - when they are also being influenced by the stressful effects of hormones of the adrenaline family. I have been with many women as they struggle to give birth with their partner at their side. Yet the moment he leaves the room, the baby arrives.
Afterwards, they say it was just "'bad luck" he wasn't there the moment their child was born.
Luck, however, is little to do with it. The truth is that without him there, the woman is finally able to relax into labour in a way that speeds up delivery.
After birth, too, a woman needs a few moments alone with her baby, particularly between the time the child is born and she delivers the placenta. And this is not just about her need to bond with her baby.

Take advice from your midwifery team , maybe you good find a good birthing partner , a friend , his mother, your mother a dula to make this a positive experience. And then when baby is born and it is right for you then he can meet his daughter.

anyhow hopefully Emily will join in as I know she is thinking about you

Kate

Hi Kate

many thanks for your reply above. Yes you are absolutey right in that I do need to focus on what is important now but I can't get him out of my head that's the problem. I live in our home and he lives in a flat in the same town, I don't see him much or have much communication with him, apart from last weekend when his mother came down to see me, his mother and me are pretty close, probably closer than me and my own mother (I don't have any family here they all live in Ireland). But it was so hard to spend time all together at the weekend because it was all so nice and normal but its not normal, he is emotionally connected with someone else and when he's telling her that he feels like a capable dad because he went out and bought our baby's travel system and put it together, its very hard for me, because thats the sort of stuff he should be saying to me. And this time is the key time that I need love and emotional support and affection from him but I'm not the person who will be getting it, someone else is. He is not going to be sharing his joy and emotions of being a new dad with me, he will save that for someone else, he won't be at the hospital telling me that he loves me and he's proud of me and telling me he's looking forward to our future together as a new family, he will be there for the birth of his child and his future isn't with me. He wants the baby, just not me and that's really really hard. I know ideally he will want his new girlfriend, at some point, to be part of him and our child's life and he is desperate for us to be friends so I can be ok with that, I don't know if I can ever be ok with that.

I've already been in and out of hospital a number of times with high blood pressure and I'm being monitored pretty much every day now. I have done the nursery and am as prepared with all the necessary bits and pieces as I can be, and I have the most amazing friends who have been there for me since this all started, I do have a good job and my work have been supportive to me so I am lucky in a lot of ways, but it doesn't take away from the guilt I feel that I have failed, failed me, failed in my marraige and failed my baby in so many ways already and she isn't even born yet. I will go on and cope and try to be the best mother I can be but I just can't imagine that anything or anyone will ever be able to take away the feelings of guilt and blame and lonliness and anger and conflict I have. I'm angry at him because he's not the one who is going through this pregnancy, he's not alone, he doesn't lay awake at 4am in the morning full of sadness, lonliness and regrets, he's got someone talking and texing him telling him that she cares for him, he's got someone there for him when he feels down. He's not facing a scary unknown future. I'd say in fact he's got pretty much everything he wants really, his independence, a great career ahead of him (which I helped him achieve) someone new in his life, an exciting relationship and a baby which he wants, its the only thing from us he wants. And he wants us to be friends and be on good terms and he will probably get that too because I don't really have a choice on that, do I? I have to do it for the sake of our child.

Caroline

Hi Caroline

At the moment 3 weeks away from giving birth you and the baby are the only things to be thinking about , lets come back to your husband and everything else in a couple of months time and I really mean that. I have made a diary note to myself but now the last thing you need is a load of full and frank though homespun advice! Theres lots to think about and I am sure you are being very hard on yourself. You sound lovely , intelligent, articulate though in a bit of a lonely and frightening place at the moment . So before we start thinking about everything else I really hope that you have found somewhere nice and calm to be for the next few months and with someone around maybe your mother/ sister / best friend. Somewhere where you can sleep, feed,look after baby and recharge your batteries. You probably will need help but if you have none then now is the time to ask and make sure you have some lined up now. If that is notpossible or you don't fancy it then now is the time for planning fill the cupboards and freezer with food your shelves with DVD's , books from the library , nappies and so on , join any ante natal groups that healthvisitors , GP or hospital offer . Join the NCT and they will get you out and about with others who have given birth at a similar time and live near to you. Your hormones are here there and everywhere you need to make sure you get your sleep and try to save your energy and stay relatively calm. This is easier said than done but don't let yourslef be pulled down by dwelling on all this stuff now . Trust me when you hold your baby in your arms the light WILL SHINE BRIGHTER . So make a plan for the next 12 weeks and when I next write to you you will realise that you are not facing the future alone but that you now have a family , maybe not the one you imagined, planned or dreamed of , but it will be the one you have which you would not swap .

in the meantime keep yourself calm avoid situations, thoughts or people that might stress you and get nesting . If you feel that you are not coping and may need extra support then do allert your midwife or make a separate appointment with your GP who would be more than happy I am sure to keep an special eye on you

Good luck and keep in touch

Kate x

We shall get back to the bigger picture at the end of June.... promise