I hope your meeting goes well with his step mum, you must be nervous about it. I think it's a shame your son can't talk to his dad and step mum about what he does with you, you or have a photo. My guess is that his dad and step mum have got used to being the parents when you were away and that they would prefer things to stay like that rather than change - no one likes change and they often worry about it more than they need to. So be careful in your meeting - thank them for bringing up your son so well, tell them what a lovely boy he is and what a credit he is to the way they look after him. Tell them that you know your son is happy and loved and you don't want to move him. But you do want to have a relationship with him - you do want to know him and for him to know you - you do want to be able to love him and care for him too. How can it hurt your son having 3 adults that love him and care for him? The travelling does sound alot for a little boy (and you) so I'd talk to them about the possibility of doing things with him that are local to them for the day - like swimming, going to the park, cinema etc. Remember you all want what's best for your son and if you all bear that in mind then it'll be easier having the conversation. You could perhaps have a look at our co-parenting form on this website (or at our book Kate and Emily's Guide to Single Parenting) which might be a useful thing for you all to look at and base your discussions on? Lots of luck, Emily

Thank you for the positive reply. It gives me more confident. The only thing is I won’t be able to get involve in his life too much. I live quite far from where my son’s live. Every time I have to travel on the train for 50 minutes to pick him up and return him at the same journey. Sometimes I do think my son feel the travelling is too much for him. He even mentioned about me having a car is more convenient.

I am not allowed to give him something that reminds him of me. There was one occasion where I gave my son a few pictures of me and him together to keep as he asked for it. After few days, I've got a phone called from his dad asking why I gave him photos of me and him. Well, I thought it is nice for my son to know me better. Since then my ex disallowed me to give him something for him to bring back home. My ex also mentioned that every time when I spend time with my son, it should not be brought back at home. As they are not interested in knowing how much nice time I have with my son.

Next week I will be meeting my son's stepmother and we will discuss about why my son loses interest. I am hoping it will gowell. I feel so much pressure from my ex and his wife as they misjudge me as a good mother.

It sounds as though your son is settled with his stepmother and presumably his father. This is good for your son, whatever happened in your own life it sounds to me as though your son has been in a settled / stable family since he was 2 years old. This is good. And you have to find a way of developing a role with that as the situation.

It is also good that he has constant, consistent and positive contact with you. This is not going to be easy and it is up to you to keep strong and think always from your son’s point of view. If you find this confusing imagine how it must feel for him. It is not surprising that he is inconsistent he is a small boy who is effectively sent to spend the day every other week with someone he does not know very well . Getting to develop a relationship with him will take time, lots of time, lots of energy and lots of patience. But it will be worth it in the long term. You should not be persuading or convincing a small child to have contact with you. The every other week thing happens … and you make those days as good as possible.

Here are some ideas for you to increase your involvement and help your son get used to you a little bit more...

Do talk to your sons stepmother and his father, maybe they are worried that you are going to go back home and they are protecting your son, reassure them that you WILL be around, if you plan to. Offer to come to their house to visit maybe once during the week offer to baby-sit at your sons home , offer to take him to the dentist , do take him to the library ask to get involved in his life on his patch

Make some story tapes for your son to listen to at bed time
Phone him every day at the same time
Write postcards and send them to him
Make sure he knows about your family, your country, your language

You ask how long you can stand this for. I am sure it must be hard but the answer is until he has grown up. He is 5 years old , he is happy and settled , you may have given birth to him but I am afraid that at the moment and for the last few years someone else has been doing the’ mothering’ and you have to accept that . You can’t be in that place again, you have to be in a different place as his mother Yes it can be a good and positive relationship with your son but you are the adult, you have to be strong and you have to make it happen.

Good luck

Kate