Hello I don't think I'd let them call me on their mobile or offer to pick them up if they want - Kate may have a different view on this as I'm not sure I'm right, it's my gut feeling - that if you let children do that then you're giving them the opportunity to cause big problems between you and your ex at what's bound to be an emotional time all round. Imagine how humiliated he'd feel in front of new girlfriend if they call to be collected? I can't see that working well for anyone - you could tell the dad that you're happy to come and get them if it all goes pear shaped - but it's his call not the children's? Shame about your ex in laws - I think they need to read our book as there's a section in there on Grandparents and how they should behave!! keep in touch, Emily

Thanks for the advice Emily, I think your right a wait and see approach may be in order, I had suggested that the holiday was a half week with her and her children and the other just him and the children, but I think you are right the need for them to spread their happiness with everyone has not properly thought out. There are other family members going on the holiday and another six children (cousins) so that may well provide a distraction for all concerned. My eldest is 12 and has a mobile phone, do you think it would be prudent to let her know that if things get really unhappy for any of them that she can call me and if absolutely necessary I would go and get one or all of them?
As for the ex-in-laws thats a whole other forum, they no longer speak to me since the break up more my mother-in-law who comes from the days no matter how bad marriage is you stick it out, and a son who has been economical with the truth! Not great with the children either, they definately need some lessons in the co-parenting! Children can be very unhappy when they have visits there with their dad, have spoken with daddy and then about a year and half with the mother-in-law herself to say that no matter how she feels about our descion to break up and how she subsequently feels about me, she is not to bad mouth me or make unhelpful and unpleasant comments about the children.
Will try and have chat again with the ex and see if I can at least warn him of the things to look out for whilst he has the children and when hers are about, forewarned is at least forearmed.
Love leion xx

Ideally it wouldn't be this fast. My ex introduced his now wife in a much slower way and even several years down the line the children still want time just with him. They still look for signs that he might love her more than them and are generally pretty sensitive to any changes in behaviour or the normal routine. And that's even having taken the introductions slowly!! I know I'm talking to the converted telling you all this but I will anyway.... It takes ages to make a family and to get used to new members of it (think back to the time you met your ex's parents and had to form a relationship with them - I bet that took time and that little and often would have been the way to do it most successfully?) I think it must be the same with children and new adults coming into the picture. And - even more complicated in this case - her chilren too. I know of children who have felt very threatened by step-siblings as their dad was doing his best to make friends with them so was great fun and friendly with them and not with his own children. It sounds as if your ex and his girlfriend are biting off more than they can chew and the holiday could well be a nightmare as they both try and be a good girlfriend / boyfriend to each other, as well as trying to get on well with the other one's chilren, AND trying to make sure all the children are OK with each otehr PLUS coming across all the differences in their parenting styles over the 4 days. It sounds awful. Us adults can just so want it all to be such a happy thing becuase we're so happy that we choose to ignore any possibility that it's only us that are happy and that the children may be several leagues behind us on the loved-up, happy stakes!! So what do I think - I don't think you're being overly cautious. I actually think you can say 'no' to him about them having a holiday with her and the children until you've at least spoken to her and feel reassured that your children like her (that might be a bit optimistic - perhaps indifference is OK, or at least not hating her), and also that your ex is handling it well with the children and that a holiday all together has a chance of being a good thing rather than a distructive thing.

I'd say OK to her meeting them at his parents and 'no' to the holiday until you're happy that it'll be OK. You might feel OK by just having a full and frank conversation with your ex, or meeting his girlfriend, or seeing how the children are after visiting the grandparents (you can't ask too many probing questions about it though - they can't be made to feel their dobbing on their dad). Could you speak to your ex in-laws after the visit and get their view as they'll have the chilren's interests at heart? BUT you must be honest and make sure you're voicing doubts or vetoing the holiday for real concerns and not becuase of stuff to do with you. You know what I mean.
Love emily
PS Come back if none of this works and I'll have another go! I reckon Kate'll have more to add too...