I hope this story helps - Hi, I split up with my ex whilst she was pregant. We only knew each other a short time and never co-habited. This did not stop me from wanting to be the best Dad in the world to our son. However, as I was not granted "access" or "contact" and offers of mediation were not accepted I had no choice but to employ a solicitor and enter the Family Courts "The Road to Damascus" (an unbelievably stressful process to go through with a lot of emotional turmoil and tears). It was 3 years before I was able to engage regularly with our son. He is now 7 (last court date was early 2005) and I have close to equal rights including shared school holidays and alternative Christmas's etc. We have a wonderful relationship. However, I unfortunately have "no communication" with my son's mother. It doesn't matter to me but financially the cost of the courts was £25,000 (luckily - I recieved lots of help from sympathetic family and friends), I attended nearly 40 times - many of the Court Orders were not adhered to. If you possibly can try and sort your situation out by "mediation". My son (all his life) listens to me being called terrible names (and his grandma, grandad, uncles etc on the paternal side. I love my son and encourage him to love his mother despite my own feelings towards her. He is not allowed to call me "dad" in her company (he "has to" call her partner Dad instead) and must also call me and the paternal family "naughty names" or "be sent to his room". Despite this, he is an incredibly happy boy as he has never known anything else.
I wish you and your daughter luck but please all all times do what you believe to be right for your child - this means encouraging a relationship with Dad (unless you have a very good reason not to) - although, I appreciate this must be incredibly difficult given the circumstances you have described above - but hopefully, he will have nothing but love all his life for your beautiful daughter and you can go through life without "any more conflict".
The most practical way forward is :
1. to allow "2-3 hours" access in a Contact Centre (Citizens Advice can advise), stepping up the hours bit by bit to a full day and then take it from there
2. Keep a diary - especially noting any missed appointments. The supervisors in the Contact Centre will let you know how Father and daughter got on during contact to hopefully ease any concerns you have.
3. Write your own letter in reply to his solicitor being positive about wanting to encourage a relationship between father and daughter (starting with a Contact Centre etc) but with a view to increasing contact as the months progress. If he is a committed father, his solicitor should encourage an agreement to this as a solution to the way forward.
4. Remember, being a single dad is not easy either - it takes a lot of love (which hopefully will come naturally as it did for me) but also a lot of hard work. If your ex shows his love and committment to your daughter you will find it much easier in encouraging the relationship.
5. I know this will be hard but try to forget about maintenance payments for now. Possibly father will start making payments if he knows you are encouraging a relationship and being positive about the future.
I wish you luck in solving this situation "amicably" for your daughters sake. Best wishes and I hope this story helps! You clearly love your daughter.

Get down to the citizens advice but with what little knowledge i do have its not up to you and your ex and his lawyer to hatch up a residency order if you are unable to communicate or agree . When parents can't come up with a workable solution that is good tfor the children it is for the courts to make and impose these issues. I gather that joint resdiency orders are not that common and are issued when clearly they are in the best interests of the children and rarely when the parents are unable to communicate . The most impoortant factor against such orders is that having two homes is sometimes deemed to be unsettling and not in the best interests of the children . That said unless you have very real concerns which given that he has had access in the past doesn't sound like the case regular , good and positive contact with Dad is a good thing ,and you do need to start with a plan of campaign to start reintroducing Dad into your child life and somehow nip in the bud soemthing that sounds a bit like bullying to me. Family mediators may be able to steer you in a better direction and are much cheaper than lawyers

Kate

You do need proper legal advice I'm afraid. You're right - it is expensive so in the first instance I'd send you to divorceaid website which is run by volunteer professionals - they'd be in a position (I think) to tell you whether his lawyer's right or wrong and what happens next and what you should do. I'm afraid I don;t knwo what the implications are of joint custody. All I'd say to you is that you must enter into these discussions looking at it through your child's eyes and what's best for her. The joint custody and any discussions you have with him are about his relationship with her, not with you. Citizens Advice Bureau may also be able to give you some free (you might need to pay a bit I'm not sure?) initial advice so you really understand the situation. Good luck, Emily