Pleasure!

Thank you so much for your detailed, thoughtful response. I truly appreciate your sincerity and help!

I can only offer advice / ideas (and encouragement!) from what I have seen and heard from other dads in your situation, and from the mothers listening to their child about the new girlfriend etc. I haven't been in your shoes (clearly!) - though my children have had to come to terms with a new step mother so I feel as if I have a grip on the emotions they experience as a result. Anyway those suggestions you were after - here goes...

First I'd say that you're expecting the children to be happily up to speed, and with you, in this new relationship. Look at it all from their point of view and their feelings become clear - a year ago they had both you and their mum together who are the 2 most important people in their world. Then you split up and they don't know why (they don't need to particularly but it's good to remind yourself that you're clear about it, and to them there was nothing wrong). No sooner than this has happened and their world turned upside down for adult reasons that they can't fathom, then a new girlfriend comes on the scene and she's not part of what they see as family (ie mum, dad and them) and what's more she's around loads and when they're supposed to be staying and being looked after by you she's doing it. Child logic is if she wasn't looking after them, then you would be so she's taking you away from them. She's a baddy, doesn't matter if she's nice, fair, etc she's taking you away and it really is true children (however long the spilt has been) always hope their parents will get back together (I know this one!).

You're also right, you do spend time on your own with them (that's incredibly important), but their feeling confused, hurt and fighting to keep you to themselves so why should they admit to that? Logical discussions with children have never worked when emotions are high (or at least not with mine who are around the 10 / 11 yr mark like your son).

It's important to remember that 2nd marriages, where children are involved, have a greater chance of failing so it's key to get it right. I was also told by a family psychologist that step families take 10 years to settle down into a unit that operate along family lines. That tells you to slow it right down and not to expect it all to be happy and accepted by the children for years to come. I think that having that feeling of 'getting it right quickly' lifted will make a difference to how you view it, and allow you both to relax a bit about its ups and downs.

I'd stop the girlfriend doing childcare while you're at work as children see it as her replacing you (and I bet the ex isn't too keen - it's been a flashpoint for many a single mum we've spoken to) which vibe may also be rubbing off on children. A childminder, after school clubs etc would be better.

Are you both on civil and polite terms with your ex? Your son may be protecting his mum and feeling upset on her behalf? He may feel it's his duty to fight her corner and make life awkward for your girlfriend. You don't need to tell him there's no need for him to do that but you could make him feel less protective by working hard at having an outwardly friendly relationship with your ex?

Just slow down LOTS. She's only 27 (and you're only 34!)there is plenty of time and if you don't give it time your relationship is bound to feel the strain. Make sure the children feel as if they're more important to you than her (which of course they are but they'll be looking very closely for evidence and reading things into things that hadn;t crossed your mind - do you kiss her and not them?!). You and your children are the family at the moment which is the unit with the most importnace and she's your girlfriend that you can give your undivided attention to half the time, and for some of the time when they're around the other half. You're making your children run before they can walk and expecting their feelings for your girlfriend to mirror yours! Your son isn't dictating your life - half of it you are totally in control of as you don't have them and the other half - well their a part of your life too and you come with them. Any girlfriend is going to have to accept that. I'd also bear in mond that just because your son can articulate this and your daughter doesn;t - doesn't mean all is well. Pleas emake sure that you reassure, love, spend time with both as children will often not say something rather than volunteer it.

That's a lot of suggestions! Hope it helps and encourages you to relax and take the ups and downs of creating a new family in your stride! Good luck, Emily