Fathers who want to be involed seem to have so many battle to fight for even the smallest right. Please keep at it. I wish you all the best and good luck.

Alice

http://www.youtube.com/familiesneedfathers

Hi, Your situation sounds very similar to my own. my son is now seven - at the age of 5 (after 30+Court appearances) i obtained close to shared parenting time throughout the year. The cost to me was £25,000 so keep in there, save your money (get extra work if you can); join the charity FAMILIES NEED FATHERS www.fnf.org.uk and visit your local branch for support; never give up - it will all be worth it in the end. I enjoy a wonderful relationship with my son despite only seeing him for literally hours only up to the age of 2. Our relationship is better than I could ever have dreamed. Good luck and try NOT to get angry about your situation - this is VERY important!

I agree with Emily this isn't about winning a fight it is about hanging on in there and subtly , gently , kindly wedging your foot in the door .

Your son is young and at this sort of age little and often is appropriate and this is the best way to encourage bonding with Dad .This is the way it is in two parent families when the mother is at the helm. Very young children have a different sence of time than adults and younger ones do apparently derive more benefit from frequent contact so go with the twice a week two hourly thing I am afraid this is about what is right for the baby at the moment and not what you want. But it will not always be this way children grow up very quickly and when your son is older he can get used to both homes.If I was you I would play a canny set of cards for the good of you your son and your relationship in the long term .
I would make some sort of peace with the arrangement and mum until the boy is a little older maybe a years time. Her property as you call it is your sons home and at this age I would imagine that familiarity and routine are very important you need to become an integral part of that routine. But there is no reason why you can't offer to take him for a walk or to the swings or somewhere else he is happy.
I would be at the house on the dot of the agreed hour with a calm and positive vibe regular as clockwork maybe take a book from the library which you can look at together (the same few everytime) , i would volunteer to babysit when your boy is asleep as and when and given time I would enquire if your family might be able to help say your mum babysitting. When this gets comfortable and you get confident then offer to stay while she goes away maybe for a night. Make sure your son has a photo of you in his room make sure he knows you are Daddy by talking about yourself in the third person. I can see you are upset and want to sort all of this out quickly but I think a more subtle and gentle approach would be more successful with a an atmosphere that is always calm and non confrontational for the child , just try try and try to play the good guy. If you do that not only is it good for child and parents at any point in the future no one can critisie you, say you haven't tried . don't know your son and so on So don't get into any arguments, don't rise to the bait it is hard but a couple of years will pass in the twinking of an eye and you don't want to miss out on that time with your son .

Why not buy two copies of the book and try and sort your own co parenting plan out . Your exs life will change and she will more than likely be extremely grateful for another loving parent who she can work with . It is still an extrememly recent split so although you have made what you think is the right decision your ex may need a little slack cutting as she gets used to being on her own with the baby, and when she does she will need an extra pair of hands and who better than Dad ? So when that time somes follow emilys advice and get prepared and keep up to speed with the care of the boy.

It may seem harsh and whilst it is no more than friendly , common sence style advice I feel sure we are right !!!

Give this a go for 6 months and then let us know

Kate

I'm so sorry, it sounds like a very hard and upsetting situation to be in. Of course I think you should see your son more! He should know both his parents well as well as both sides of his family, as we all benefit from having a strong sense of who we are and where we came from,as well as benefiting from being loved unconditionally by our family. What can I say? I didn't think that mediation was legally binding I thought that what the solicitors drew up was and that mediators were there to help couples discuss the options and hopefully agree (or agree to disagree) before going back to solicitors with the ideas for their legal advice? So are you sure that the mediator's suggestions have actually overwritten what was agreed between your solicitors?

However the problem for me here is the phrase 'should I fight for more?' on one hand I want to say yes and on the other hand I haven't seen many fights end well. Being fought doesn't bring out the best in people or make them want to co-operate. Plus of course it's expensive. I know that sometimes courts and solicitors are needed and it's the only way to get some sort of resolution, but I don't think the law is really able to look at a situation from the perspective of 'what's best for this family?', the legal system can't respond to emotion or individual circumstance it has to be applied in the same way to all. I may be being a bit iealistic and wooly but I'd remind you that you ARE his dad and he certainly won;t be thinking 'here's the babysitter' but instead 'here's dad'. He's also little and you have a lifetime of being Dad that goes way beyond the baby years and into his sixties probably! Your ex sounds used to being in charge and a bit anxious (which isn't that unusual for us mothers!) so I'd be tempted to play the game and continue to see him at her house twice a week. When she says you 'don't know him very well' she's probably worried about you not knowing how to stop him crying if he's at yours, or what his favourite song is etc that calms him down. So when you're there and he cries watch how she soothes him, let her know that you can see what works and ask if you can try - ask her to teach you. Ask to make his tea and to feed him - the idea is to think of all the day to day things that she knows about him and will worry about if he's with you becuase you don't have the time with him to learn them. Then perhaps over time she'll see that you too can comfort him, know how to distract him, what he likes eating, what he's scared of etc, how he likes to be bathed and put to bed etc. and so that when he's older she'll be happy for him to go to yours? I hope I'm not being too idealistic but I'd do all I could to avoid fighting.

As for your family - I'd get your parents to contact your ex and see if they could pop in to see him when they come to visit you. I'm hopeful that they'll be plenty of time when he's at the toddler stage and beyond for him to hear all about your family from you, and to look at photos and learn the family hisotry and family stories, and to visit them with you - but for now I'd get grandparents making their own arangements as the bad feeling is between you and your ex, and not between them and her.

And finally - please stick with him, however hard please don't give up, always make sure he knows you're there and when he's grown up the relationship you 2 have will be entitrely driven by the 2 of you and no one else will be able to interfere of control it - and believe me time flies!

Lots and lots of luck,

Emily
PS Give your ex our book!!