Arrangements being changed at the drop of a hat

Please help. My ex is a policeman and works shifts. He gives me a rota at the beginning of the year which tells me when hes working what shift. Then every month I ask him to put on the calendar when he wants to have our son to stay over. Every month we go through this process and I would guarantee that every month there will be a change to some of the arrangements because hes taken on some overtime or has some other plans. We also take turns taking our son to school, when ex is working I'll take him and when hes off he takes him. But this again is open to change as I might think at the beginning of the week hes taking him on say Tues, Wed and Thurs to find he can only take him on Tue and Wed. I work full time and although my hours are flexible I still have to work a certain number of hours a week and rely on days being at work at 9am (cant start earlier as son is with me through the week normally) instead of 9.30. Its putting a lot of pressure on me and is causing endless rows - he accuses me of not wanting him to have any money to not wanting him to have a life! He has suggested that when its a night at the weekend I dont have son I could maybe still let him know if I have any arrangements so that he will avoid taking extra work on that night. I however, think that if hes supposed to have son he should be not taking on any extra work anyway. If the extra shift is at a weekend, chances are, the arrangement wont be changed for the other night of the weekend but might change for say a week day night. If for instance I have some arrangment and ex has said he'll work extra I always cancel my plans as I dont want son passed about. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to stick to arrangements (which he has picked!)or am I being inflexible?

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( categories: Dear Kate & Emily )
No you're not being
Submitted by emily on Mon, 2008-08-11 16:30.

No you're not being inflexible or unreasonable, it's hard being even remotely flexible when you have work and the school run to juggle and you need to be able to plan at least a week ahead. But, we all have times when we need to change plans and so it's important to let your ex change things every now and then because the shoe will be on the other foot one day and you'll need to call in a favour! You're going to have to explain the implications to your ex in a calm way of changing plans all the time (avoid the rows as you'll never get what you want after one of those) and think of how you can meet him half way as clearly his work is demanding and he needs to work extra shifts sometimes. Instead of a monthly discussion could you plan the next week's childcare the wednesday before for example? If his shifts are unreliable can you think of someone else who could take your son to school? Another mother near you so you could share the school run? I hate the stress of changing plans and working out the logisitcs of getting them to school and fitting in work so if his dad was adding to your stress then I'd think of another plan. If you're less stressed about him changing things you'll row less too nad feel less put upon and more in control of life.

I'd also plan something for every weekend he's with his dad and view your arangements as fixed - you can be flexible trying to sort out the school run and, for his part, he can view the weekends as fixed. Then you're less stressed and he sees his son regularly and often.

Get your thinking cap on and view it as a problem solving challenge rather than a reason to row and stress! Good luck, Emily

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